My mother spends her days serving a ‘holy man’. How can I make her see he is not a positive force?
My 62-year-old mother has formed an attachment with a man 20 years her junior (let’s call him Luke). It is not romantic. She spends around 12 hours a day at his house, cooking his meals and cleaning.
Luke inherited his house and a sizeable trust fund. He has rather lavish tastes. Airport transfers, costly grocery shops and seemingly endless home improvements are all provided by my mother.
My mother met Luke at a prayer group and believes he is a very holy man; she seems to idolise him. Increasingly, she makes little attempt to see family. She expresses concerns about her finances and health, but refuses to open up about how much he pays her or how much she spends on his lifestyle. She refuses to ask for days off.
Related: Post-divorce, I’m isolating myself at home alone. How do I get out of this funk? | Leading questions
Dad died seven years ago. It is as if Luke has replaced Dad. Mum seems constantly tired and irritable and no longer has time or energy for anyone else. She is also expressing concerning and uncharacteristic opinions of which many are intolerant and discriminatory. These seem to coincide with her relationship with Luke.
What can I do to make her see that Luke is not a positive force in her life?
Eleanor says: The first thing I want to say is that it sounds like this could really use professional insight. There are so many specifics that make a big difference to what you should do here. Can you find out about the finances? Can you check whether she’s altered her will? Is she otherwise stable and well? Do other parts of her life feel lonely? Has Luke had this kind of relationship with other people, and if so what happened to them?
There’s a wide spectrum of things that could be going on here, from an odd-seeming relationship that’s ultimately fine, to full-blown financial abuse or indoctrination. I have neither the information nor the qualifications to speak to the full range of scenarios here, so I strongly encourage you to reach out to professional resources with more complete information – for instance, advocacy groups for financial exploitation. I’m not saying that is what’s happening. I’m suggesting there are possible problems it would be good to rule out by speaking with professionals who’ve seen them a lot.
I’ll say what I know about your closing question – how to make her see that Luke is not a positive force.
It is extremely difficult to “make” anyone see anything. It gets more difficult in proportion to how important it is to them to hold on to their way of seeing things. If changing your view would mean giving up vast tracts of who you are – the way you spend your time, how good you think you are at reading other people, your trust in institutions such as your church or religion – then it will take a lot to be willing to make that change.
Extraordinary hypotheses require extraordinary evidence. Given how much time and identity your mother has put into this relationship, the idea that Luke is bad might seem like an extraordinary hypothesis.
Another issue is the risk of alienating her by expressing your doubt. If she thinks of Luke as capital-g Good, the risk is you’ll seem the opposite if you oppose him too explicitly. It would be a bad result if a rational criticism led her to withdraw from you even more. For that reason, some resources might suggest strengthening your relationship with her rather than embarking on persuasion right away. This might mean more regular contact, making sure she feels like she belongs and is loved in your company, or asking for her advice and help so that eventually offering yours doesn’t seem asymmetric or patronising.
There’s a special place in all available hells for people who exploit the faith of believers by taking their money or advantaging themselves at their expense – who use the suspension of suspicion to do the very things suspicion is meant to protect us from.
If your mother is at risk of that, it will be very difficult to combat, especially if Luke provides her with things she gets less of elsewhere, like comfort, belonging, identity. Best to set yourself up for the best possible success here: best to get professionals in.
This advice has been factchecked and approved by Cult Information and Family Support Australia president Tore Klevjer.
This letter has been edited for length.
* * *
Ask us a question
Do you have a conflict, crossroads or dilemma you need help with? Eleanor Gordon-Smith will help you think through life’s questions and puzzles, big and small. Your questions will be kept anonymous.
If you’re having trouble using the form, click here. Read terms of service here
