My mother-in-law from hell ended my marriage
Kate*, a 38-year-old mum-of-two from Manchester, found her marriage began to break down when her mother-in-law, Jane*, moved in with them after being widowed. It started with little digs and soon Jane* had taken over her life...
My mother-in-law, Jane, and I had always got on pretty well until she came to live with us. My ex, Gino* was an only child and I was conscious she didn’t have any other family living in the UK. Gino’s father died of cancer in 2019 and then lockdown happened in 2020. We invited Jane to be in our ‘bubble’ but she kept saying how lonely it was at home and so, in June 2020, we asked her to move in.
It was nothing major at first, the odd little comment from her here and there – "Oh, are you making fish fingers for the children again? I always used to cook from scratch when *Gino was little." Or "No elbows on the table, have some manners!" to the kids, who were then just two and four.
It started as little passive aggressive digs about my parenting and then, within a matter of weeks, she began taking over the kitchen, telling the kids off and always siding with Gino about everything. If I moaned about him being late back from work or said anything about being tired, she would always tell me I couldn’t be as tired as he was.
He’s a paramedic and works for the NHS so he was out of the house doing long shifts and then had to self-isolate when he got back. I spent most of the day with Jane and the kids and, as there were no classes or playdates, it felt as though we were just stuck at home. Jane went from being a doting granny to a strict and domineering one.
Losing her temper
She would tell the children they couldn’t watch telly for more than a couple of hours a day and tell me I was doing things wrong. I remember once coming in to find her shouting at Jack*, then two, who we were potty training, for accidentally weeing on the floor and not in the potty. She really lost it with him and he started crying. I felt so cross. I wanted to say, "How dare you shout at my child!"
When I told her she had no place speaking to my son Jack* like that and that wasn’t how we did things she just rolled her eyes.
When I told her she had no place speaking to Jack like that and that wasn’t how we did things she just rolled her eyes and told me that Gino was fully potty trained by the time he was 18 months old.
When Gino would come home, tired and stressed, I would try and talk to him about how difficult I was finding things but he would just shrug and ask what I expected him to do about it. I told him I needed his support and he said I was overreacting.
Undermining my role
Jane began interfering more and more and then, when Gino got home, she would insist on cooking something from scratch for him and make me feel unwelcome in my own kitchen. Everything, from how long I cooked the pasta for, to how I made a fish pie, was criticised.
What really broke me was the fact that Gino wouldn’t stick up for me. He either seemed oblivious to her digs or sometimes, he would even take her side. It was always over little things – her telling me I let the children watch too much television or gave them too many snacks – which made me feel so isolated and unsupported.
'What do you want me to do? Tell her to move out? You know how devastated she would be,' my husband said.
My parents and sister live in London and, as my dad is asthmatic and was on the high risk list, we didn’t see them at all over that time. I would call them and sometimes have a little cry about everything. I remember my mum and sister told me I had to talk to Gino and tell him how I was feeling but every time I did, he would make light of it.
"What do you want me to do? Tell her to move out? You know how devastated she would be," he said.
There wasn’t one significant thing that broke our marriage, there were a hundred little things and then one day in 2022, when things had returned to 'normal,’ Jane had moved back home and our youngest had just started school, I told Gino I didn’t love him anymore. Too much damage had already been done.
He looked in utter shock and until I told him he either needed to move out or I would, I don’t think he actually believed it. So one day, after he had gone to work, I packed his bags for him. He moved back in with his mother and continued to live with her for the next nine months.
Starting a new life
I feel fine about everything now and now my youngest has started school, I’ve taken a part-time job in a local library. I am not ready to date yet and I still find it difficult when I drop the children off with Gino and I know that, inevitably, he’ll only spend about half an hour with them before he's happy for his mum to arrive and take over.
I still miss him at times, we’d been together since sixth form and I’ve never really been with anyone else, but I don’t miss Jane* and I haven’t softened towards her over time.
I still miss him at times, we’d been together since sixth form and I’ve never really been with anyone else, but I don’t miss Jane and I haven’t softened towards her over time. If anything, I feel more angry now than ever. The way she behaved towards me and the fact he let her carry on like that was really not okay. Sometimes I can’t believe I allowed it to go on for as long as I did.
Our divorce came through last year and Gino is now in another relationship with a woman who he met online. Apparently Jane loves her. I wish her luck and hope Jane isn’t as hard on her as she was on me.
Although Gino and I might have stayed together if it were not for his mum, it made me realise in some ways I’m better off on my own instead of being with someone who won't support me. Now our divorce has come through, I’m looking forward to a new chapter in my life.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
