The Midults: I’ve fallen out with my work wife and it’s heartbreaking
Dear A&E,
I’ve fallen out with my “work wife” and it’s broken my heart. We have been colleagues and desk mates for about four years and, in an intense work environment, have been each other’s support system. However at the end of the last year we worked together on a project and it went wrong. Somehow, we both felt that the other hadn’t pulled their weight. Now we are barely speaking and I dread going into work. I don’t know how to put it right but it feels just so awful. My husband also doesn’t really understand the sense of loss I feel.
- Bereft
Dear Bereft,
Back in 2003, Emilie had found herself in a tense office environment, sitting on a bank of desks full of slightly hostile co-workers. After three months of being given the collective cold shoulder, a miracle happened: Annabel! She walked into the office, sat down next to Emilie and there began a 20-year friendship forged in the hotbed of London corporate life; that peculiarly alchemic environment of being twenty-something at work: messing up, falling in and out of love, being promoted, being drunk, being tired, hormonal, desperate, ecstatic together.
First of all let’s align on the concept of the work wife and its significance in our lives. It is not a sound bite from the female CEO of a bank, or a flippant, slightly sexist dismissal. Rather it refers to profound friendships, uniquely carved at the work coal face. Incidentally, it is also what makes us feel sad for the twenty-somethings in their remote working silos. Sure, it’s great to swerve the relentless daily commute; a relief to avoid the office Karen, and amazing always to be able to sneak off and put on a wash.
Back in the mists of time, when everyone had to be in the office, 9am to whenever-pm, five days a week, life-changing, life-saving friendships were forged. Your trusted co-workers saw you at your sparkling best and at your volatile worst. Those relationships required total acceptance. You couldn’t cancel work if you were in a bad mood or had PMS or were feeling unreasonable or stressed or acting out. Your work friends witnessed you tired, underpowered, bombastic, funny, brilliant and annoying. They saw every single colour of your rainbow, and they just said: “That’s okay. We’re here for that.” These friendships were also about survival, because all of this was compounded, in our experience of the Noughties, by layers of senior management, led by unsparing women and clueless, failing-upwards men. But we’ll move on.
All this to say that we, writing this together, know why this hurts so much and why it is so important to try and find some resolution; to establish your work wife balance again. So, here’s what we think: it’s time to put on your big girl pants and have a conversation. There is no point staring longingly at the place where you used to eat your Pret A Manger halloumi wraps together and moan about Geoff from IT. Whatever miscommunication, whatever plates have shifted, however painful and awkward, why don’t you take a deep breath and go for, “Please can we chat?”
You could say something along the lines of: “I cannot believe we are in this position. You know how much I value and admire you. What can we do to rebuild? Because our relationship means more to me than most things. And it’s one of things that makes my day-to-day bearable/fulfilling/exciting.”
Perhaps it is also worth telling your work wife what you think your part in the fallout has been. After all, you have probably mulled it over endlessly. And just to clarify, it’s not about telling your side of the story, or giving her, “I’m sorry I did this BUT you did that…”. We always find that the “but” cancels out all the healthy apology that preceded it. Instead, it’s about quietly taking responsibility for your actions and seeing if she can find a way to do the same. You know each other very well, so if you’re feeling this way then it’s highly likely, unless there are all sorts of other things going on in her life (which is also possible), that she will be feeling the same.
You might have to accept that she may not, for whatever reason, want to take any kind of responsibility for the situation. At that point, you may need to to decide whether or not that’s okay for you, and if you’re just going to move forwards in the friendship, regardless. Sometimes, dear Bereft, we know what we know. We hit someone’s limits and either that is too compromising for us or we just accept them and love them anyway. We can’t change people or the past. We just decide to proceed with love. Hopefully you’ll be sharing a chocolate croissant and an eye-roll at the leaders in no time at all.
