Midults: 11 petty arguments (that are deeply satisfying to win)
Most of the time we try to be nice. We do. The intention is there. But what about when we feel a bit like Sisyphus, every day pushing a rock up a hill when it is obviously going to roll down again? And maybe we feel as though our metaphorical rock is sprouting little baby rocks? Or chin hairs, or laundry, or bills?
Well, there are times when pettiness, like swearing, helps. There are pointless little victories to be had out there. A bit mean-spirited perhaps, but no one is going to die. Probably no one is even going to notice. And winning is winning.
I’m not moving
You: ‘Come over here and look at this.’ Person: ‘No, you come and sit with me.’ You: ‘But I’ve already got it up on my screen.’ Person: ‘It’s OK, there is more room here and I can open it in a second.’ You: ‘The light is better here and it’s warmer and we can’t be overheard.’
I’m hanging up first
Person: ‘Goodb… Oh.’
I want the banquette
‘You have the banquette. It’s fine. I mean, my back is much better so that hard chair will probably not send it into spasm. And my claustrophobia has lifted. A little. Honestly, you have the banquette. OK, I’ll take it. Ahhhhh.’
I am in control
‘I’VE GOT THE REMOTE. NAH NAH NAH NAH.’ (Sung internally.)
I can’t see you
When you pretend not to see someone frantically trying to change lane because they are stuck behind a bus... Not sorry.
I am faster
Also, when someone overtakes you and you overtake them 10 minutes later. ‘Take that motherf—er.’ (You may have said that out loud.)
I am not cancelling
You both want to cancel. It’s a game of chicken like that scene in Footloose with the tractors when Kevin Bacon’s foot gets stuck in the pedals. Anyway, you hold out, you hold out and... BOOM... they cancel. You get a night in and the moral high ground. Plus a cancel in the bank. Is there anything better than a cancel in the bank? It’s two nights in. Not that we are counting.
I am not going anywhere
You know when someone wants to get rid of you and they are busy washing up, and getting their clothes ready for tomorrow, and taking the bins out, but you ask for a peppermint tea? And the peppermint tea is hot, so hot, and everyone is in for another 45 minutes. Why do you do this? What is wrong with you?
I am soooo relaxed
‘Look at me leaving the fridge door open until it beeps. Look at you all nervy and virtually unable to handle the idea of all the cold flooding out. What a shame that you are so tense. Poor you.’
I am in charge
Are you the first to turn off the overhead lights and subtly arrange the lighting so there is no glare on the TV your end? And do you then slowly but aggressively dim the lights until, by the end of the film, you are sitting in darkness? Or slowly and aggressively brighten the lights to get them to LEAVE…?
I am right
When you are right about something. Like a bad boyfriend or a cheap shoe or both. And you are not going to say, ‘I told you so.’ And you are not going to say, ‘I’m not going to say it,’ which is infinitely worse. Instead, you give the look. Because you told them so.
