'Masturbating saved my life, now I’m helping women with cancer enjoy sex’
“I grabbed my breast in the throes of ecstasy and found the lump. So, thank God for my vibrator, right?” says Lauren Mahon. The activist, podcaster and founder of GIRLvsCANCER the “fierce as fuck” cancer charity discovered she had breast cancer in 2016. It was grade three breast cancer and Mahon began her treatment of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and years of hormone blockers and tests right away. But she says if she hadn’t been masturbating, she may never have spotted it.
Now, seven years later, Mahon has campaigned tirelessly to support women dealing with cancer, working with her charity, the cancer community in person and online and hosting the now retired award-winning podcast, You, Me and The Big C. Today, she’s setting her sights on a different aspect of the cancer experience, seeking to help those going through it and those rebuilding their identities after treatment to feel more connected to their bodies – specifically, sexually.
“Sex isn’t the first thing you think of when you've gone through a cancer diagnosis, but people don’t realise the impact intimacy has on every aspect of your life. But self-love saved my life.”, Mahon tells Cosmopolitan UK. This Breast Cancer Awareness month, Mahon has launched a new campaign, Cancer Won’t Be the Last Thing That F*cks me, shining a light on the importance of sex and intimacy and providing resources to help women get back in touch with their bodies after a cancer diagnosis.
“One in two will get cancer in their lifetime. Think of your best mate… there’s two of you standing there? One of you could get cancer. So, when you start thinking of it like that, it starts to feel more real,” she says. “That’s why it feels so important to talk about the parts of life that some people don’t think about when they’re talking to the cancer community.”
Mahon is talking about sex. Sex during cancer, sex while in recovery, sex after cancer. Feeling sexy, the logistics of sex, the changes your body has been through and how they impact sex: she wants to talk about it all. Lauren has never been one to shy away from topics that might raise eyebrows. She and her co-hosts of the You, Me and The Big C podcast – the late Dame Deborah James and Rachael Bland – did groundbreaking work together, putting tough, grisly and seriously bold conversations about cancer on the map. Despite the tragic loss of James and Bland, Lauren is continuing those conversations with a no-holds-barred focus on pleasure and plans to smash taboos on other life-altering topics.
“I know, from my own experiences and from speaking with the cancer community, that people aren't having sex post-diagnosis. Because they’re triggered by the new body that they're in and aren’t comfortable in their own skin. Often they feel like maybe their partner doesn't find them attractive anymore. Some people will have severe bodily alterations from surgeries which can range from numbness or scarring to ostomy bags. And there's a lot that goes on with your body during cancer and it can massively impact your capacity for sex and feel desirable.”
What Mahon is saying makes complete sense. Of course an illness as life-altering as cancer is likely to severely impact everything from your self-esteem and your sex drive to how much you feel like masturbating or dating – but no one is talking about all this. Mahon’s approach is unfalteringly honest, relatable and well, uplifting. Frankly, if you’re planning to get back on Hinge or try to have an orgasm after a cancer diagnosis, who better than to help you through it than someone who’s actually been there?
“It's a subject that needs talking about, and because my organisation is a disruptive charity with the tone of voice that it has, I think that's why the big charities support the work we do – because I say things in a way that they can't, which means we're hitting different demographics. We can launch resources about things like routes to pleasure and maintaining a happy, healthy sex life, and dating and masturbation. There haven’t really been campaigns like this before. We’re focusing on getting right with your mind, body and soul and centring your pleasure before inviting anyone else to join the party.
Mahon’s passion for supporting other people who might be going through it, or who might be struggling with body image, connecting with others, dating and sexual dysfunction is a product of her own experiences. Which, she tells Cosmopolitan UK, have been a whirlwind of highs and lows.
“Before I was sick, I never saw myself as sexy or desirable. All my mates would always get asked out and I wouldn't. I entered into a lot of relationships very naively, got treated like shit and I was very pure of heart for a very long time. I used to use sex as a way to feel validated and wanted. And then, I got sick. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then.” she says.
Mahon stayed on dating apps while going through chemotherapy. While friends and family were giving her “sad eyes”, dating gave her a way to escape and feel normal, desirable even. “During cancer treatment, you don't feel like a sexy person at all, because your body is literally rubble. So, it was nice just to flirt and be myself.”
But, when it came down to it – the moment of arranging a meet-up, Mahon would avoid first dates. “I’d make my excuses,” she says. After the experience of building up to one date that made her feel “like my carer was taking me out for food”, she sacked off dating strangers from apps until she was in recovery because “it just made me really sad”.
Now, years on and past the five-year all-clear milestone, Mahon says “my libido isn't what it used to be”. She admits to feeling more exposed sexually, too. “if I meet someone, and they do the classic fuck and duck, I feel a lot more used and vulnerable than I ever used to. And I think it's because of what my body's been through. My emotions physically react to that kind of treatment. And I love that I know about myself, and what my body's worth and how I feel about it and what I want.”
Self-love has become an important part of her life. “it helps me sleep, it helps to get back into my body. And it keeps me ticking over and keeps that sexual side of me going when I'm not having sex with somebody else, which I think is really important. That’s where the mind, body, soul part of the campaign comes in. It’s about asking yourself, ‘what do I need to feel myself again?’ Is it lube, moisturisers, dilators, psycho-sexual counselling? What do you need for you that isn’t about external validation?”
For Mahon, the main thing is: “If you're somebody who is going through cancer treatment, look after yourself. And when you're coming back out the other end, and you are trying to figure things out again, don't feel like you need to disclose [that you have or have had cancer]. Use the apps to just go out, have coffee dates, go on walks with people and don't put pressure on anyone to be the love of your life. Flex your muscles when you've been out of it for a while and then you can see how you feel about it.”
“I think if you’re throwing yourself in the deep end, you're gonna drown. And the main thing is, before you even think about sex, I think about it's getting a connection back – with yourself and with partners – and then while that's happening behind the scenes, that's when you can be really feeling yourself.”
“After cancer, people are like, ‘you should be grateful to be here, that should be enough’” says Lauren. “No, you deserve to feel at home in your body – the one you almost lost, you’re still here, you deserve to feel pleasure, you deserve to feel desired, you deserve to feel amazing. It’s not about just surviving; it’s about thriving.”
Find resources, support and more information on the GIRLvsCANCER campaign.
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