Advertisement

Can a marriage ever survive an affair? Many more women try to forgive than you might think

Happier times: Paul Hollywood and his wife, Alex - PA
Happier times: Paul Hollywood and his wife, Alex - PA

When Great British Bake Off star Paul Hollywood and his wife Alexandra announced this week that they were separating after nearly 20 years of marriage, it raised several questions. Not, “Did Paul Hollywood leave his wife for himself?” as several wags were quick to ask on Twitter. But can a leopard ever change its spots? And can a marriage ever survive infidelity? 

Alexandra famously forgave her husband for his affair with Marcela Valledolid, his co-star in the US version of Bake Off, back in 2013. 

“It was the biggest mistake of my life because actually I still love my wife,” the penitent baker confessed, in a public attempt at reparations after his infidelity was exposed.

Most women think – swear, even – that they could never do a Mrs Hollywood; that an affair would be an absolute dealbreaker and they would leave a cheating husband without question

But although Alexandra took him back – “I’m an eternal optimist,” she said – if friends close to the couple are to be believed, the cracks that period inflicted upon the marriage ultimately ran too deep not to resurface.

Most women think – swear, even – that they would never do a Mrs Hollywood; that an affair would be an absolute dealbreaker and they would leave a cheating husband without question.

Indeed, in the black and white, "one strike and you're out" world of modern mores, leaving an adulterous spouse is deemed the only acceptable choice – staying is seen to be delaying the inevitable, or all but inviting him to stray again.

Ruth Wilson as Alison Bailey and Dominic West as Noah Solloway in The Affair - Credit:  Steven Lippman
Many more couples attempt to navigate the post-affair grey area than you might think Credit: Steven Lippman

Statistics, though slippery, suggest otherwise. Relate, the relationship support charity, estimates that about six out of 10 men will be unfaithful at some point in a marriage, yet the most recent Office of National Statistics figures show adultery is cited as grounds for divorce in only 10 per cent of all marriage splits. Which suggests many more couples are trying to navigate the post-affair grey areas than you might think. Though it’s no mean feat.

When Christina Young, 62, a relationship counsellor from Kenley in Surrey, learnt her husband had been cheating on her for the entirety of their 25-year marriage – including with her best friend – it took huge courage to override her instinct to bolt. 

“He confessed to it and told me he didn’t want to live a lie anymore,” she says. “We talked about the gaps in our relationship and seemed to communicate on a deeper level than ever before. He underwent a total transformation and I truly felt he’d changed. He was attentive and showered me with love, doing lovely little things like washing up, and although it was hard – really hard – slowly but surely I forgave him and began to trust him again.”

The post-affair momentum slowly petered out. You can forgive someone but you can never forget what happened and we couldn’t sustain that level of connection between us

The couple worked hard on their marriage for another six years and Christina even wrote a book on the subject, A Woman’s Guide to Forgiving Infidelity – but the couple eventually split in 2013.

There were no more infidelities but “the post-affair momentum slowly petered out,” she says. “You can forgive someone but you can never forget what happened and we couldn’t sustain that level of connection between us. My ex said, ‘water will always find its own level’ and he was right; things do settle and I suppose I realised he could never give me the undivided attention I wanted.”

Sally Rose took a harder line when she learnt – via a text message she accidentally read – that her husband had been cheating on her for half the length of their 14-year marriage. 

“Initially, I chucked him out but then he was so remorseful and begged me to forgive him and to try and make it work,” says Sally, 47, a teacher from Birmingham. “He threw himself into therapy and saw this as a second wind for our marriage, addressing all our issues and getting stronger as a result.” 

Esther Perel - Credit:  Kolasinski/BFA/REX/Shutterstock
Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Credit: Kolasinski/BFA/REX/Shutterstock

The couple stayed together for another two years, “but I just couldn’t get over it no matter how hard I tried,” she says. “I became so suspicious of him, constantly checking his phone, grilling him when he went out anywhere. I just couldn’t rebuild that trust.”

For the two years they tried to make things work, Sally told no-one apart from close family about her husband’s infidelity, ashamed her friends would deem her weak or stupid for taking him back. 

“I felt like I was walking around with this dirty secret and felt constantly humiliated and ashamed about my decision,” she says.

Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, spoke about this added burden of shame to an audience of 12,000 women at a conference last month: “It used to be divorce that carried all the stigma,” she said. “Now it’s choosing to stay when you can leave that is the new shame.” 

It used to be divorce that carried all the stigma. Now it’s choosing to stay when you can leave that is the new shame

Psychotherapist Caron Barruw, who specialises in counselling couples in crisis, agrees: “Infidelity is such a shameful thing and I have had many clients who have started dating their spouses in secret after an affair for fear people will judge them,” she says. “But in my view, it’s not right to judge. An affair is a betrayal; it’s the same sort of betrayal as a man going bankrupt and not telling his wife.”  

According to Barruw, whether a couple can stay together after an affair depends on their intentions going into it: “If they go into an affair because they want out of the marriage, then any reconciliation usually fails. But if the affair happens because they’re looking outside for something that’s missing in their own relationship, then it could be a warning bell and the marriage can recover, as long as there’s honesty and transparency going forwards and a desire to communicate differently and work hard at it.”

Stacey Morris was willing to work hard at repairing her marriage after her husband’s affair and, for now at least, believes it actually gave their 33-year marriage a new lease of life

“We were stagnating and to be honest, I’d been thinking of divorce for a while before my husband confessed he’d cheated twice with someone from work,” says Stacey, 54, a retail executive from Huddersfield. “We went into counselling together and realised that neither of us were happy. Yes, he had the affair but it could easily have been me; I hadn’t been averse to looking either.

"But instead of throwing in the towel, we decided to work on talking to each other more when there are issues, and letting each other know when we were angry or upset. Now, it’s like having a new relationship – we book the theatre more often, go away on walking holidays together. I’m happy I didn’t give up on it.”

Instead of throwing in the towel, we decided to work on talking to each other more when there are issues, and letting each other know when we were angry or upset. Now, it’s like having a new relationship

Sally still wonders if her marriage would have worked if she hadn’t given up on it after two years: “Even now, I wonder if I should have stuck at it and kept trying to rebuild that trust. After all, we did have three children together and a lot of history. Perhaps if I’d been more honest and open with friends after the affair and faced up to the reasons for the cracks in the marriage earlier, then it could have worked.”

Even though Christina has a new partner who makes her very happy, in her role as relationship counsellor she advises clients to work hard at rebuilding their marriages after an affair, on either side.

“It’s so easy just to blame the other person and to be angry and bitter, but when I counsel couples after infidelity, I ask both parties to look at their part in this,” she says. “We don’t want to judge ourselves or face up to our part in it when our partners cheat, but that is necessary if you want to get to the core of why your marriage didn’t work. And it will help in future relationships too, if ultimately you can’t put your marriage back together.”

Wise words. Let’s hope Alexandra Hollywood heeds them.

Some names have been changed