"I Was Heartbroken But Said I Would Think About It": This Man's Wife Suddenly Wants To Have An Open Marriage To Sleep With Other People, And The Internet Has A Lot Of Thoughts On It
Usually, when you decide to get married, it means that you're making a forever commitment to your partner. Obviously, throughout the course of a marriage things might happen that cause two people to split up.
However, this redditor who recently shared his story on the subreddit r/relationship_advice is conflicted about what to do after his wife came to him suddenly asking for an open marriage after being in a monogamous marriage for 15 years. Here is what they shared:
"I need some advice on how to process everything that has happened to me in the last two months. My (42M) wife (40F) sat me down 1.5 months ago and said she felt she was bisexual or gay and wanted to have an open marriage to discover that part of herself. We have been together for 21 years and married for 15 years. We have two boys. We got together when we were young and were each other's first. Our marriage has been solid and through a decent amount of adversity. My oldest has congenital heart disease and has learning and social disabilities. My dad has been in and out of the hospital. My job is demanding, but it doesn't stop me from being there for my family. I don't have to travel, but it's very stressful.
She has never really found men that attractive. She thinks I am handsome (I am not), but she never really thinks guys are that attractive. So her coming out as bisexual isn't even really that shocking, and honestly, I don't care about that so much. To me, it's just labels," the OP wrote.
To summarize, the OP mentioned a few months ago that the Redditor's wife started texting a new female friend, and they had some similar interests. "Our sex life was not great (maybe 4-8 times a year until last year). She had turned 40, and her sex drive increased. For the last six months, it was 1-2 times a week. I loved it, and she was having a great time (the one thing I am good at). However, out of the blue (around the same time), she asked if I would be ok with a threesome. I said I would be self-conscious (I was startled)."
"Then she asked again, and I said, I doubt we would find anyone that would want to have sex with both of us, but if we did, I would consider it. Then (again, always after sex), she asked if I would be ok with her having sex with someone else alone. I said I would not be ok even if it were a woman because it was cheating. I would still consider having a threesome. She got upset, and I was a little hurt, but I just thought of it as testing boundaries.
About a month later, she sat me down, and she was crying. She said she thinks she might be gay, and that she needs to explore that part of her, and wants to try having sex with women. I was heartbroken but said I would think about it. Honestly, it sent me down a spiral. I told her I would consider it, and that I wanted us to stay together. We have had a lot of talks since then," the OP continued.
The OP concluded by writing, "This whole thing has completely upended my mental health. I am starting on anti-depressants, and I am not sleeping. I am ashamed at how little I stick up for myself, but she is my best friend and the love of my life. I don't think I can go through an open marriage. We start couples counseling later this month. She has been more lovey and open and thinks our marriage is improving greatly. I am not sure. Reddit threads on this subject are awful (outcome-wise). What should I do? Is there any hope for us? How do I navigate this with her?" the OP asked.
Over 100 people chimed in in the comment section, offering advice, explaining their thoughts on the situation.
"Bisexual people are in monogamous relationships all the time. She struggles a bit at home with everything going on, so she starts emotionally cheating and putting energy into being unfaithful. If it were me, I'd just make it clear I'm not an open marriage person, and it isn't an option. It's either married or not, and whatever choices are made are final. If she chooses to leave, deal with the rest in court."
—u/Heavy-Quail-7295
This person showed got super honest with the OP.
"You decide what you want. And no, the wife does not want to explore her sexuality. She has feelings and wants your blessing to explore them. No, it's not just sex — she will be having a relationship with this friend, and when their love blossoms, she will leave you for her. Suggestion: Say no. Offer your wife a speedy divorce if you, the family, and the marriage mean that little to her.
—u/clearheaded01
This commenter explained what the OP's wife was doing, and they have a good point.
"The problem is the other woman didn't reciprocate her feelings, and now she is trying to smooth things out with OP. OP's wife caught feelings for another woman, threw a wrench into her own marriage instead of mentally working out what she was going through, and now they are at this junction."
—u/thegreathonu
And this person in an open relationship shared their experience while giving the OP solid advice.
"I’m in an open relationship and I can tell you right now, this is not a good foundation to start an open relationship on. The rule of thumb is that both partners should give an enthusiastic yes. It should not be stated to fix something. And you should be in a strong place to start. You miss all the marks here. I am not saying it can’t be done, but your wife has already exhibited some bad signs. She was emotionally cheating, and instead of talking with you, she asked if you wanted to sleep with other people on your own. This feels manipulative to me. She hoped you’d say yes so she could do the same thing. Open relationships require a lot of trust and manipulating someone into the situation will not end well. An open marriage aims to strengthen an already strong marriage, not to test the waters and potentially leave.
I think you need to tell her to pause the open marriage thing and work on your marriage first. Read up on open relationships. Figure out what dynamic works best for you guys and pursue that. It is possible that you may be at a crossroads as well. Best of luck, but don’t start an open relationship from this foundation. It will crumble."
—u/Low-Goal-9068
What do you think? Why do you think the wife is suddenly asking for an open marriage? Is there a right or wrong way of handling this situation? Share all your thoughts with me in the comments below!
Note: Some edits have been made due to length and/or clarity.
