MAFS UK guru Paul C. Brunson's 7 questions to save your relationship
Should you stay or should you go? In his new follow-up book to his bestseller, Find Love, relationships expert Paul C Brunson is here to answer that question.
'While all relationships require work,' the Married at First Sight UK and Celebs Go Dating star explains, 'how do you know when it's time to walk away?' In Keep Love, the second title in his Fundamentals of Love series, Brunson has chosen to explore 21 truths he believes couples need to confront if they're to sustain their love.
'While Find Love was about finding the right partner - something that so many of us get wrong – this guide is really about saving relationships,' he says. 'Perhaps your partnership is floundering a bit, or perhaps you're at crisis point. This book will help you nurture that relationship and work out if it's worth salvaging.'
While Brunson believes that most relationships can be saved (in the book's chapter dedicated to affairs, he goes as far as to say that most couples can survive infidelity, and even be better for it), he stresses that both parties need to be willing to do 'the work'. 'I often hear people say that relationships require work, but most people have no idea what that "work" actually entails.'
In asking key questions, such as whether we place unachievable requirements on our partners or are prioritising staying together 'for the kids' over healthy relationship growth, he provides the tools and exercises necessary for couples to decide where their future lies.
Here, he shares seven of those fundamental questions, or 'truths', that he believes we all need to confront if we're to achieve long-lasting love.
1) Are your expectations unrealistic?
'We live in a culture that prioritises self-development to such a degree, it’s no longer enough for our life partner to fulfil just our basic needs (things such as love, safety and respect). Many of us now desire someone who can meet our expectations on every level and even enhance us so that we achieve our full potential. The upside of not being willing to deal with mediocrity is that we can build stronger relationships, yet the downside is that we can set our standards so high, it can be virtually impossible for a partner to meet them.
Research has shown that when our emotional and intellectual needs are met by a wide range of people rather than just our partner, we’re more likely to experience relationship satisfaction and longevity. In building a ‘village’ around our relationship – ie, external sources of support – and not relying solely on our spouse for fulfilment, we can avoid creating a ‘suffocation marriage’ in which one (or both) parties feel overwhelmed by the other’s demands.
If this is your relationship, start by asking: what are your non-negotiables in a partner, and what are your preferences? Taking a moment to agree shared and individual goals can also help align your relationship, inject new energy and stimulate personal growth.'
2) How do you navigate conflict?
'Many of us follow the narrative that conflict in a relationship is ‘bad’, yet studies show the strongest couples are the ones who frequently address it. This is because difficult conversations are growth-promoting and get us to a place of emotional connection, instead of allowing hairline fractures to persist and worsen. In fact, the less we avoid smaller conflicts, the better we’re able to deal with the big challenges when they come along.
Studies have suggested that married couples who take short breaks during heated arguments are more likely to experience higher satisfaction and better resolution outcomes. There’s also a lot to be said for apologising – research has shown that couples who report the highest levels of satisfaction tend to apologise weekly (although there are gender differences, as men generally have a higher threshold for what they consider to be offensive and worthy of an apology).
An important question to ask if you’re continually navigating conflict: is there potential for growth? (For example, have you tried therapy and are still unhappy?) While many couples believe it’s better to stay together ‘for the kids’, research shows children are more affected by the emotional environment they grow up in than whether their parents are together.'
3) Can you forgive infidelity?
'It isn’t always the case that an affair is the end of a relationship – in fact, research shows that working through infidelity can lead to higher satisfaction in the long run. I’d also argue that other moments in life, such as the loss of a loved one, can pose even greater challenges to a relationship than infidelity.
Data shows that emotional affairs are harder to recover from than physical ones, and the way in which an affair is discovered can play a big part in the outcome (for example, when a partner cheats and doesn’t disclose it, there’s a much lower likelihood of reconciliation). When couples do reunite, it takes time – on average, two to five years – to truly get past an infidelity and move on.
If you’re fighting for your relationship after being cheated on, I would first look at the traits of your partner – if they’re impulsive, narcissistic and lack empathy, this is the worst cocktail, and I’d say they’re likely to repeat offend.
If both parties are prepared to work through infidelity, I’d recommend The Gottman Institute’s ‘Atone, Attune, Attach’ method. It involves three steps: the one who has committed the infidelity takes full responsibility for the betrayal; the partner who has been betrayed expresses their pain and has their emotions validated; and both work to rebuild trust through transparency and new shared experiences. Approximately 70% of couples who have used the programme have reported greater satisfaction in their relationship post-infidelity.'
Keep Love: 21 Truths for a Long-Lasting Relationship (The Fundamentals of Love, 2)
4) Are you a financial team?
'Although many of us are willing to have sex with someone right out of the gate these days, we’re still not willing to talk about our finances. Admittedly, love can’t always overcome financial difficulties, but we can put ourselves in the best position.
Right now, the predominant trend in relationships is for each partner to manage their own finances separately but to also have a joint account – however, studies show that the most successful financial set-up is having a joint account only. This is less to do with banking and more to do with having frequent open communication and difficult conversations about money, which has been proven to lead to higher relationship satisfaction.
Everyone has a different threshold for financial comfort – what bothers one person may not bother the other, and it takes humility to accept and respect those differences. The first steps are agreeing on a framework, setting clear joint financial goals and scheduling regular check-ins.'
5) Have you become complacent?
'When people ask me, ‘How long have you been married?’, they’re often trying to qualify my ability to talk about relationships based on how long I’ve been in mine. And yet I’m rarely asked the more important question of: ‘How satisfied are you in your relationship?’
Longevity is a script that’s handed to us. I believe, after a certain point, that my grandparents didn’t like each other, but they stuck it out because too often we think that our issues will go away if we’ve been together long enough. And yet, relationships stagnate rather than grow when partners aren’t motivated to improve the dynamic.
Even at the outset of a relationship, we run the risk of sliding into circumstances rather than being intentional about the direction we’re travelling in – studies on the ‘cohabitation effect’ have shown that couples who live together before marriage actually have a higher likelihood of divorce.
The context behind this statistic is that most of these couples decide to live together for financial reasons, whereas couples who make deliberate decisions about their future together based on their relationship are proven to have more resilient partnerships.'
6) What are your secrets?
'Some people believe that being fully open with their partner promotes the highest level of emotional intimacy, yet research suggests that telling them absolutely everything can lead to increased conflict.
In my opinion, ‘selective disclosure’ – choosing what to share and withhold as part of a more balanced approach to honesty – avoids unnecessary disagreements over minor issues or past mistakes that hold little or no relevance to today (indeed, studies show that relationship satisfaction is 20% higher for those who practise selective disclosure versus full disclosure).
The added issue with sharing every single detail is that it can place an emotional burden on the other person to reciprocate and, in turn, violate their privacy and sense of autonomy.
The ‘work’ here is really around setting and respecting boundaries. When choosing what to disclose, consider the emotional impact on your partner: if you’re disclosing an affair, consider which details will feel most painful and if they really need to know them. Equally, if your loved one has just lost their father and you regularly see your own, you might decide to resist disclosing too many specifics of your meetings.'
7) How do you prioritise sex?
'When it comes to sex, we can get hung up on frequency, yet studies show that anything over once a week doesn’t necessarily mean we’re any happier. But what if you’re not having any at all or are mismatched in desire?
There are lots of reasons why couples aren’t having sex – one of them being that we tend to expect so much from our partners, when they fall short in one area (such as co-parenting), we can be less inclined to engage in other areas, such as sex. Unlike previous generations, who might have found joy in just a few individual aspects of a relationship, sex these days is much more deeply rooted in emotional intimacy.
The key thing to question: is the desire for sex really not there, or is it just not being worked on? Often, there’s at least one person in a relationship who believes they don’t need to work on physical intimacy, but is this temporary or permanent? And if they’re not willing to put in the work, where does the relationship go from here? In my experience, couples who are best friends have the most high-frequency sex, because sex is cause and effect – it’s almost always based on an emotional connection.'
Keep Love: 21 Truths For A Long-Lasting Relationship (Vermilion) by Paul C Brunson is out now
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