I’m worried about my sister-in-law’s drug taking – how can I convince her to quit?

Dear A&E,

Six months ago, I finally admitted that I had a drug problem and got help. It’s been really tough but also wonderful, and I’m doing well, in the main. However, I am now really aware of my sister-in-law’s drug-taking and how it affects the family and I want to help her to stop. She is very resistant and has been very sneery about my sobriety. How can I get her to see how much better it would be if she quit?

–  Concerned

Dear Concerned

Before we begin, we’d love to congratulate you on the last six months. It is no mean feat to acknowledge you have a problem when in the pernicious grip of addiction, to seek help for it and to stay on track for half a year! Who knows what put you on this path but we can bet that, whatever it was, it wasn’t a simple or pleasant one. In her brilliant book Good Girls: A Story and Study of Anorexia, Hadley Freeman talks about meeting a psychiatrist at an eating disorder clinic who told her that she was taking the easy route by starving herself. She remembers vividly thinking “You think this is easy?” Because, despite the perception of addiction as an opting out, it doesn’t mean that the demons you wrestle are weakened, conquered or escaped in active addiction. If anything, they are more powerful and malicious when you are using. So, once more, good work dear Concerned, and keep protecting your peace at all costs.

With this in mind, perhaps confronting your sister-in-law and her “addiction” is not the way to go. You have already been met with hostility around your sobriety and that is not going to change until your sister-in-law finds the courage to change – of her own accord. This reminded us acutely of the days when Emilie was still drinking and she asked Annabel for advice around a sticky situation. We were sitting, as we did for years, beside each other at work. Annabel looked over and told Emilie, frankly, that she could no longer help her until she decided to help herself. Emilie was furious, but it was true. Painful but true. You say: “How can I get her to see how much better it would be if she quit?” Now try and remember how many times people tried to get you to see the same before you decided to stop taking drugs; how many times their words just bounced off your sanity-repelling hide. It is also true that there is no greater resistance than the one just before surrender; as the dark demon tries to wrap itself tighter around its poor host. Her demon may be looking out at you, with your shiny skin, clear eyes and sincere smile, and be hissing to her “Trust in me” like the hypnotic snake in The Jungle Book.

Not only that, but you are only a mere six months on your recovery path, dear Concerned. There is nothing so off-putting as the zeal of the converted. You are probably adrenalized and flooded with enthusiasm; perhaps you are exercising every day; eating virtuously; bouncing off the walls with your newfound energy and clarity. Generously, you want everyone to feel what you are feeling, to taste this hard-won freedom. You are also acutely aware of the chaos you assume she is experiencing – the awful daily tug. And so you want her to drop the hangman’s rope and grab your lifeline. You can see her becoming your mission. It might be a relief to externalise all your pain and punishing thoughts by transferring them on to her. Don’t relocate your anxiety and become a zealot with a side of missionary. You are your own mission. You are your own masterpiece. You are your own disaster and she is hers. It has never been more important to watch those boundaries; stay close to the people who understand what you are going through, and avoid the ones who bring all these feelings rushing to the surface.

The last thing we want to say is this: be wary of taking another person’s inventory. It is a cornerstone of many recovery programmes that one doesn’t immediately pop out, and start pointing the finger at everyone you know shouting “You’re an addict, get help!” You are still box fresh and acutely aware of who is partying hard and who is not. Your addict-radar will be pinging left, right and centre. But remember: not everyone is like you… much as you’d might like it, if you were completely honest, to be that way. There are those who can Glastonbury for four days straight on no sleep into their fifties and beyond. Some people, for whatever reason, can physically and emotionally metabolise substances, and some people just can’t.

Focus on yourself, dear Concerned. You are a marvel! Look at you battling the monsters under your bed and in your head! Lead by quiet example. You never know who might end up silently following you out of the woods.