‘I’m still single and the happiest I’ve ever been’: life after dating apps
Since Tinder launched 11 years ago, countless intrepid users have found true romance, but many are choosing to swipe left on what feels like an increasingly onerous and unfulfilling crapshoot.
There’s a simmering sense that the once novel, dopamine-charged journey of hope has become just another way for the internet to sap our energy, drain our wallets and make us feel terrible about ourselves.
Related: Tell us: has a pet ever affected your love life?
Over 10% of Australians are actively using one or more of the 1500+ online dating services now on the market, according to Statista estimates – low compared with the UK (16%) and US (18%).
Australians, in particular, have had a gutful – so much so that online dating usage rates are projected to slightly decline in the next five years, while the US and UK’s forecasts suggest growth.
Though some readers described an on-again, off-again relationship with apps, most who wrote in said they’ll never go back.
‘I’d rather slam my d*ck in a car door than get back on the apps’
“Being a brown man on the Sunshine Coast I simply didn’t find many good people here who are interesting or were interested. But worst of all are the monotonous conversations and the continuous ghosting. What ultimately led me to give up on the apps entirely is the lack of excitement; it became a game rather than a genuine adventure to find new and fun people.
“Since I quit in June this year I’ve been having casual flings with people I’ve met offline. It’s not much, but it’s fun at least. Frankly I’d rather slam my d*ck in a car door than get back on the apps. It’s just punishment, really. I’ve found it a lot more satisfying and rewarding to meet people in real life on nights out.” – Akram, 21, Sunshine Coast
‘I was able to be open, vulnerable and myself when the right person eventually came along’
“I quit the apps five years ago after a series of bad experiences, where I kept on finding out I was inadvertently helping men cheat on their partners. Philanderers aside, I found the whole experience made me feel bad about myself. I feel like a bit of a cliche, but using the time away from the apps to become a person I liked meant that I was in a good place to know what I wanted from someone else.
“I don’t think I would have been able to heal my relationship with myself if I kept using dating apps. After three years of being single I was able to be open, vulnerable and myself when the right person eventually came along. I met the love of my life at a book club two years ago.” – Anonymous, 35, Melbourne
‘The pressure was off’
“I live in a place with a pretty small dating pool and I got sick of seeing the same people come up. I eventually realised that the kind of person I was looking for wasn’t the kind of person using dating apps anyway. As soon as I quit two years ago (and wasn’t being constantly reminded by my phone that I didn’t have romance in my life) the pressure was off.
“I started exercising more, making time for friends and focusing more on myself. Though it feels trite to admit, that is really the best way to find love. I was no longer constantly concerned with how I was coming across visually or digitally. I became more present and open to something happening in reality – which it did. I went to a gallery opening with a friend and while we were there someone mentioned there was a gig in the city. We both looked at each other and kind of shrugged and went ‘why not?’ Next thing I’m cutting lines on the d-floor and I lock eyes with the best dancer there (besides myself). We made some shapes, swapped numbers and have been dating since.” – Jonathan, 29, Darwin
‘I almost felt a bit of withdrawal … But once that passed I found I was much happier’
“After living in Europe for several years, I was disappointed to discover that Australian dating culture is far more conservative. Apps seem to be the primary way to meet people here, but there’s much more discrimination against women over 30. Apps started taking up way more of my time for much worse dates. I decided to quit three months ago. The first week or so I almost felt a bit of withdrawal from the dopamine hit of getting likes.
“But once that passed I found I was much happier. My mental health is better and I feel as if I’ve got a lot of time back. I’m going on far fewer dates, but don’t even care because I’m so much better off overall. I’m still single, and the happiest I’ve ever been about it with no plans to get back on the apps.” – Anonymous, 34, Melbourne
‘I’ve saved a lot of money’
“I’ve quit and been sucked back into the apps a few times; recently I’ve been off them for three or four months. While I got a lot of time back by not having all those text conversations, and going on dates, it’s as if the emotional part of me has curled up in a ball on the couch, gone numb, and switched off. That’s the hangover from online dating, where standards are too high and it’s far too easy for people to move on to next, next and next. You slowly get crushed by the glaring series of rejections.
On the plus side, as well as time, I’ve saved a lot of money by not going on so many pointless dates. Dating, especially for men, is really expensive and in the current climate of insane interest rates and increasing ‘cozzie livs’ not everyone can afford to play the field. I think dating apps need to be redesigned from the ground up in order to provide better mental health and higher probability of finding a good match.” – Anonymous, 45, Sydney
‘I don’t think apps are a good way to meet people you are strongly, inexplicably attracted to’
“After a breakup in 2016 I used dating apps on and off for about four years. I was keen to meet a new partner but found that all the dates I went on were with people that had similar interests ‘on paper’, but we had no chemistry in person. It was very unfulfilling. I also found it quite scary at times, especially when people were not as they had presented themselves online.
“In 2020 I got together with a former colleague. We are now married and have a baby. We have very little in common on paper except for our former workplace, but we just click. I personally don’t think apps are a good way to meet people that you are strongly, inexplicably attracted to. If you are mingling at a party of 100 people, it doesn’t take long to gravitate towards the one you like the best – online, you might have to go on 100 exhausting, demoralising and confusing dates before you meet someone you have a special connection with.” – Anna, 37, Sydney
‘Within a few weeks of quitting, friends introduced me to someone’
“I became disillusioned with apps almost as soon as I started using them. I was meeting too many women who would either just move on to the next person if there was even the smallest conflict, or were seeing several people at the same time. Within a few weeks of quitting friends introduced me to someone who was also not into dating apps and a decade later we are still together. We share complete trust and a willingness to work at the relationship when needed. Something that women on the apps seemed reluctant to do.” – Steve, 63, regional Victoria
‘I stopped looking for a partner and had a beautiful romance’
“I was married for 32 years and the marriage ended suddenly and shockingly for me when my husband fell in love with someone at work. I was 55 then and I was shattered about the loss of family and perceived security.
“I’ve had a few relationships since and also tried dating apps, but didn’t like the experience. I never met any men from my own world and I always felt I was being judged: my looks, height, weight, whether I was too opinionated, too ‘strong’. I met a lot of older men who were widowed and seemed to want a replacement wife. It all made me uncomfortable.
“There’s something unpleasantly transactional about dating apps which does not suit my view of respectful relationships and six years ago I gave up on them entirely. Since then I’ve readjusted my way of looking at the place of romantic relationships in my life. I stopped looking for a partner but surprisingly met and was pursued by a much younger man who was part of my wider circle of amateur musical friends. I had a beautiful romance with him and he’s still in my life in a casual sort of way, which suits me perfectly. I don’t have a partner as such, rather I have male friends who fulfil different needs for me. I’m now very happily single and enjoying my position as mother and grandmother without needing to share this with a partner.” – Anonymous, 70, Melbourne
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length
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