‘I’m a single gay man trying for a baby – I will move heaven and earth to make it happen’
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want my own family. Even in my early twenties, as a gay man before gay marriage was legal, I imagined that I’d probably marry a woman to have a family and then sleep with men on the side. It might not have been the best scenario, but that’s how much I wanted kids. I’d originally had it in my head that I’d like to be a dad by the time I was 40. But here I am at 44 – still trying.
I first looked into surrogacy as a single person in 2016. I didn’t realise it wasn’t legal then to do it on your own. It wasn’t until 2019 that the law changed to allow single people to become legal parents of children conceived through surrogacy in the UK. By then I’d also met my boyfriend – we were together for four years. From the very start I said to him: “I want to have kids.”
It was important for me to have my own biological child. My partner was onboard but it was pie in the sky. He lived in Cornwall and me in Kent – and when the pandemic hit, we put it on the backburner. But as we were coming out of lockdown in 2020, I said to him: “Look, I want to pursue surrogacy.” Unfortunately, we split up. It wasn’t because I wanted to try for a baby, but I knew he wasn’t that keen. I just thought: “I’m not prepared to wait any longer [for the right partner], or to have a relationship get in the way of my dream of becoming a parent.” So within a couple of weeks, I decided to do it alone.
I haven’t faced any stigma – that’s probably because I’ve surrounded myself with people who love and care for me. But I always knew I’d be in the minority being a single gay man trying for a baby.
I first got in touch with Surrogacy UK to find a surrogate through their events both online and in person. It’s a bit like online dating. I spend a lot of time meeting lots of other gay, straight and single independent parents and building a network of friends and surrogates. Then I joined My Surrogacy Journey (MSJ) last year, which is more like an old-fashioned dating app, where they try and match you with a surrogate using computer algorithms.
At first I wasn’t sure which surrogacy route to go down. There is gestational surrogacy [a procedure where a woman carries and gives birth to a baby for another person or couple but is not genetically related to the baby] and traditional surrogacy [a type of surrogacy where the surrogate uses her own eggs to carry a baby for another person]. But when I had my fertility check, I discovered that I was a carrier of cystic fibrosis. That meant I needed to find an egg donor who didn’t carry the gene. I decided to use donor eggs from an egg bank – they are screened for defects.
I did get chatting to a surrogate last year through social media. Unfortunately, I wasn’t chosen. You can’t take it personally. It’s whoever you hit it off with. When so many single people and infertile couples deserve a family, it’s a hard decision for any surrogate to make
I looked through 30 profiles in one week to find the right egg donor. I’d ticked Caucasian. Initially, I had ginger down as one of my physical traits I wanted because I’m red-haired – but it ruled out too many options. I was a little cautious about the BMI as my family has always struggled with weight. I didn’t want to saddle any child with weight fluctuations.
Eventually one lady fit my profile: she had her own family, a good education, and she seemed to be fired up about life. She wrote a lovely message at the end of her profile saying to the child: “If you ever choose to look me up, I’d love to meet you”. That was the dealbreaker for me.
It is illegal to pay for egg donation in the UK [egg donors can receive up to £985 per donation cycle to cover their costs] and not only was she providing something so personal, but she was also offering herself up in the future to meet any offspring from her eggs – aged 18, donor-conceived people have the legal right to know who their donor is.
I bought a large pack of 10 eggs rather than a standard pack of six – although they gave me 13. Then last April I did ICSI, a fertility treatment in which they inject live sperm into the eggs. All 13 of the eggs survived the thawing process – nine were fertilised. I’ve now got five viable embryos out of the 13 eggs. It cost me about £15,000 for the whole package including ICSI and the eggs.
I’m still looking for a surrogate. It is illegal to pay a surrogate in the UK, except for their reasonable expenses. I can’t find one abroad because it’s too expensive – in Mexico City it’s about £70,000 and in America it’s more like £100,000. I don’t want to go to a cheaper place with poor aftercare and take any risks. It was the same when I got a hair transplant – I did it in the UK and not Turkey.
I was very lucky. I got some inheritance eight years ago, and put half of it into my house and the other half aside for surrogacy. I haven’t had to scrape money left, right and centre, like so many others. I did get chatting to a surrogate last year through social media. Most organisations advise on a three-month “getting to know” phase once you link up. Unfortunately, I wasn’t chosen. You can’t take it personally. It’s whoever you hit it off with. When so many single people and infertile couples deserve a family, it’s a hard decision for any surrogate to make. MSJ is like a waiting list, and it can take up to 18 months to get a match – I hope to have one in the next six months.
How long will it take to have a baby via surrogacy ? I mean… how long is a piece of string? People often say the average is 18 months to two years. Some people get pregnant within a year. Other times it could be four or five years. And once you’ve found a surrogate, there’s no guarantee that they’ll fall pregnant. I’ve heard stories of people having two or three failed transfers, then a couple of miscarriages and finally getting pregnant. So of course just finding the surrogate is one of the first steps.
It’s so hard not having a partner to bounce off and be buoyant for you, and help you make hard decisions. Am I ready for it? I don’t know. But I know I want it. I can’t bear the thought that I haven’t given it my absolute everything. I’ve had no matches yet – I try not to clock-watch. It’s been an honour to be asked to be a godparent three times but it’s just not the same as having my own.
I feel like my life is on hold. Christmas is no longer fun because it’s meant to be seen through a child’s eyes. My mum always said she felt destined to be a mum. You know what? I think I’m destined to be a dad. I will move heaven and earth to achieve that.
