"I’m In My 50s, And These Are All Things I'm Now Living The Consequences Of": Older Adults Are Revealing The Everyday Things They Believe Young Folks Should Know, And This Is Powerful
As we age, we gain not only new wrinkles but also new life experiences. So when we asked, "30+-year-olds, what is some good life advice to give to 18-year-olds and above?" so many older adults provided thoughtful answers. Here's what they said below:
1."Mine are perhaps controversial, but it's what I've got to show so far for 47 years."
"1. Too much introspection is very bad for you. Try to get out of your own head frequently. Think about 'sonder' often. Do activities that require total focus. Consciousness can be a killer.
2. Pick your battles. The older you get (unless you're a Karen), the more this will make sense. No one ever convinced anyone to change their mind by arguing with them. Change happens afterward when we reflect.
3. Take pleasure in every tiny thing you can. This helps with depressive episodes. A glass of water, brushing your teeth, a warm pair of socks. If you can't manage another day, aim for another hour, another minute, or another second, and build back up.
4. Take pride in changing your mind, opinions, and beliefs. It shows intellect and strength."
2."The days are long, but the years are so short. Be kind and loving. We're all human beings, and everyone has struggles and problems, and kindness goes a long way."
3."Pay attention to the amount of time you are procrastinating or dreading doing something. It might be the dishes, your taxes, starting a fitness program, etc. Notice the time it takes to actually do something about that particular thing. If you are spending more time worrying than it takes to accomplish the task, you are wasting years of your life and marinating yourself with negativity. Just fill the sink, compile your tax papers, and go for a half-hour walk instead. Now, you'll feel like you accomplished something. Notice how much better that feels than dreading something? Next time, start the task on the first negative thought, then you'll develop the habit of just getting the thing done the first time it occurs to you for the most part."
4."Do good things for other people. Not family, not friends, but people you don't know. It can be small stuff, giving a few bucks to a charity, checking in on an elder neighbor once in a while, or volunteering at an animal shelter. Anything. If you do this, two things are likely to happen: 1. What goes around tends to come around. You never know when a good deed will be repaid. 2. It will bolster your self-esteem and improve your sense of self. It is not the end-all for every bad thing you may have done in your life, because for that, you need to try to truly make amends, but most people will benefit from doing just a few good deeds."
5."Protect your hearing. You will still hear the music with earplugs in, I promise. Otherwise, you end up like me with tinnitus and hearing loss."
"Yep, same here. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’ll be OK because the ringing goes away after a while. One day, you’ll wake up the next morning with it still there, and it‘ll never stop."
—klmy
6."I decided to get sober when I was 23, and one of the biggest realizations I came to was that I’m never going to live up to my family’s expectations — and that’s their problem, not mine. You can’t live your life for anyone else’s happiness but your own."
"And it’s 100% ok to cut off contact with family. Blood isn’t thicker in some cases. Your family can hurt you and mess your life up the worst."
—J
7."Friendships can have a life cycle, and sometimes, just like a romantic relationship, you need to recognize that you have grown apart. Not every friendship is going to be lifelong, and that’s OK. They were still valuable at that point in your life."
"This is so important!! I've had a really hard time with friendships my whole life. It took me way too long to recognize and accept that people who used to be my friends just weren't my crowd anymore. We'd outgrown each other and grown apart, so at some point, the friendships had just become unhealthy.
After that, it was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I was alone and had lost so many friends, but ultimately, now, after a while, I'm okay with being on my own. I've come to realize that I'm much better off without the mental and emotional toll that unhealthy friendships were taking on me. I'm grateful for the impact that these people had on me at various points of my life, but I also realize how important it was to go our separate ways once we'd grown apart instead of clinging on to something that was falling apart anyways."
8."Don't marry someone for their potential. They may have the skills, but if they're unwilling, they won't change. If you're asking your partner to sit down with you to set a budget and they respond with something like 'There's no point because I'm not making a lot yet,' that is a whole brigade of red flags. It's not worth ruining your life."
9."Credit cards do not equal free spending. If you have to get a credit card, get one with a smaller limit that you can use only in case of emergencies. Start saving for retirement in your 20s. Wear sunscreen. Hydrate. Get regular dental and medical physicals. If you smoke, quit ASAP. I’m in my 50s, and these are all things I am now living the consequences of."
10."Don’t constantly compare your life to others’. Everyone does things at their own pace and makes their own choices. Are all your friends getting married, and you’re not? So what? I was never feeling marriage, and I’m in my 40s now, and I felt pretty weird about it for a long time, like something was wrong with me, but I’m fine. We are not all the same — your choices about kids, marriage, career, etc, are all about YOUR life."
11."It's OK if you're still figuring out your gender or sexuality. I've always been nonbinary/androgynous, but I didn't even know that was a thing until people started talking about alternative genders more. I just knew something didn't feel right, and I struggled a lot with not being 'a proper girl.' It clicked for me when I was reading about it, and it was super validating. I've been much more comfortable and happy in my own skin since figuring it out. For reference, that was when I was 29; I'm 31 now."
12."Your easiest life is NOT your best life. All of the best things in life take work. Take risks, have hard conversations, and if you fail, dust yourself off and start again. You're stronger than you think."
13."It's okay to be a little bit selfish and take some 'me time.' Step back from problems for a bit, say no to doing favors sometimes, and engage in self-care. Get health insurance for yourself if you don't have it. Trust me on this. When I was in my 20s, I didn't have health insurance, and before Obamacare went into effect, I was not eligible to be under my parent's insurance. As a result of not having insurance, I kept getting sick, and the colds and flu weakened my body so much from having to rely on OTC drugs to get better. Sometimes, you need more than the OTC, especially if you have asthma. Take care of your physical health now! I never thought that my asthma was getting worse until it put me in the hospital in 2021."
14."If you only have time to Hoover, then save the dusting for tomorrow. If you only have time to write one paragraph of that email, do the rest later. Little steps. Also — and these are ones deeply personal to me — without being a total loon, don’t be too risk-averse. Sometimes, breaking through your comfort zone is good. If you get angry easily, don’t try to smother it, but try to channel it into something useful rather than just blowing up, especially in a professional setting. And, finally, not everyone will have the same opinion as you in life. Generally (with a few big old exceptions), this is not an attack on you, so try not to take it personally. Although an informed opinion is, of course, better than an uninformed one! So if you are going to die on a specific hill, have the goods to back it up."
15."Some people are not wired to just be able to have 'No strings attached sex,' and it's OK. Stop going back. It hurts."
16."You're going to fail. Probably more than once. It's okay to fail, and it's OK to fall apart in the moment — but you have to take the lesson you just learned and get back on your feet because that's what matters more."
17."1. Take care of your skin. Cleanse, moisturize, and wear sunscreen. Thank me later. 2. Drink water. Dehydration has various negative effects on the body. 3. Invest in a good mattress and pillow. Quality sleep makes you look and feel better. 4. Don’t hesitate to compliment strangers. Random compliments can make someone’s day or can make a lasting impression."
18."Don't get stuck on the idea that you need to plan out the full projection of your life and career when you're 18 or just starting out in college. You can absolutely refocus later on if you need to or if things in your life change. I had a mentor for my degree at my university who started her career as an x-ray tech, then went back to school in her 30s to get into paleontology. For most of her adult life, she bred and raised agility dogs, and when she retired, she made that her full-time commitment. Also, if the regular pipeline of 'graduate high school, go to college' isn't for you, see if there are any vocational schools that teach a skill you're interested in. Being a lineworker, plumber, electrician, or trained carpenter is just as valid as going to school and getting a nursing degree, but I know in the US, it's not talked about nearly enough with high school students."
19."Listen to yourself. If you have a sense of dread going to work every day, it’s time to leave. Sense of dread about seeing that person? Time to move on. Your guts are wiser than you think."
20."I don't like everyone, and that's okay. That also means not everyone is going to like me, and that's okay, too."
"I'm sorry to say it, but we have food at home. Don't go out just to go out. Definitely go out when you can, but make it worth it, like something you can't cook at home or a celebratory meal. Spend a couple of hours on a day off or an evening when you have a lot of energy and pre-chop veggies and make a batch of soup, enchiladas, lasagna, or whatever you have to do to set yourself up to cook quickly and easily later. It makes it easier to eat at home on those low-energy days."—ssketchator1
21."Stop making your quality of life worse because you're worried about what other people will think about trivial things. People will eat a sandwich at home instead of enjoying a delicious meal at the restaurant they are craving because they feel awkward being seen alone at a restaurant. They will be sleep-deprived, endure painfully boring situations, deal with unwanted hangovers, get sick, miss out on something that would have been really fun, etc., all in the name of trying to avoid feeling a little self-conscious. Life is too short to do that to yourself."
22."There is setting boundaries, and then there is avoidance behavior. Learn the difference because one is healthy and preserving while the other is not. Sometimes it can be hard to tell."
23."What happens on your wedding day is insignificant compared to what happens every day thereafter."
24."It's a marathon, not a sprint. In my 20s, I did a lot of panicking about not achieving by a certain age what I thought I was supposed to (a lot could be said for graduating into the dot-com meltdown and 9/11 and then finishing grad school into the Great Recession). But really, that's false advertising in a way. I'm in my 40s now and feel like I'm finally just getting into my own skin. I wish I had felt less anxious in my 20s about hitting certain milestones and burning the candle at both ends and spent more time taking advantage of what that stage of life had to offer."
25."YOU are responsible for YOUR OWN happiness. It’s no one else’s job to make you happy or to have too much influence or control over you."
26."Be your own best friend. People WILL let you down, even people you think never should/would. If your identity is wrapped up in what others think of you, those same people can also tear you down."
—Ash
27."If there are things you want to do, do them now that you’re young. I knew I wanted to travel and hit up 16 countries before I got married. We’ve traveled as a couple and as a family with kids since then because we created a habit young. Create as many good habits as possible in your youth because patterns are hard to break as you get older. Learn what you need and set up the corresponding habits. This is especially important in terms of relationships. Learn how to identify your triggers and set boundaries now. Many of us had terrible relationships in our twenties, but treat it as learning instead of creating a pattern you can’t get out of later."
"Get checked out for things. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in my twenties, and medication saved my life. I had to wait till my late thirties to get diagnoses for ADHD, PTSD, and primary ovarian insufficiency. All of this had a significant impact on my life, and since establishing treatment, life has been so much better. You need answers about your health. Get treatment sooner rather than later."
28."Don't ever be afraid of love and be afraid of falling in love after failed relationships. Dating is bloody scary, especially nowadays, but if you don't try, you'll never know. Decent men do exist — it just takes a lot of time and weeding through a lot of assholes. I've been with my amazing boyfriend for over a year now. We met on Tinder, of all places, but before that, I went through a very messy divorce. Love yourself first of all, and never believe the lie that all men are evil."
29."Invest in self-reflection. Understanding that thoughts are not feelings. And how your own ego can mislead you about what is really going on."
30."See a therapist and start healing your trauma. It will start to manifest in your body as you get older and you may have a harder time working through it."
—Ash
31."Men, before you feel the need to correct women or say, 'Well, actually,' take a deep breath and don't. It's time to put that away forever."
People over 30, tell us your greatest life advice in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
