Is Low Self Esteem Ruining Your Life? Here's How to Banish It for Good
“Most of us have a self-concept – a way that we think about ourselves, an identity we adopt and a set of labels that come with it,” outlines human behavioural science and communications expert, Daryll Scott. “They are the sentences that begin with, ‘I am…’ or ‘I am not…’. It is this self-judgement that fuels our self belief and therefore our self esteem.”
As a nation, our self-judgement appears to need a bit of recalibrating. Low self esteem has left 46 per cent of Brits fearful to work out in the past, according to a poll by health insurance company AXA PPP, while one in 10 said they’re afraid of being seen wearing gym gear. Of those polled, 33 per cent say their sex lives are being affected, too – and one fifth of millennials surveyed rank ‘being seen naked’ as their biggest fear.
Put simply, self esteem is the confidence you have in your own worth, explains David Brudä, CEO and co-founder of mental wellbeing and self-development platform, Remente. “People with high self esteem feel that they are worthy, loved, and valued in the world, whereas those with low self esteem feel poorly about themselves and often judge themselves in relation to others,” he says.
Do you constantly replay and analyse conversations with colleagues, friends or family? Do you tend to play your positive qualities down and magnify tiny indiscretions in your behaviour? These traits are common in individuals with low self esteem, says chartered psychologist and Healthspan ambassador Dr Meg Arroll.
But low self esteem isn’t solely characterised by shyness and social anxiety. “Some people with low self-esteem appear very confident indeed, perhaps overconfident as they try to mask their internal and overly critical monologue,” she says.
This can manifest in “boisterous” actions like impulsive drinking, overspending, and aggressive sexual behaviour, explains psychotherapist Audrey Stephenson of counselling service At The Practice. “This is because at the core of low self esteem is the feeling of ‘not being good enough’, or being flawed in some intrinsic way that is unlikely to be fixed,” she explains. “[It] can have an individual trying to shoot for the boldest option, the flashiest car, the most dangerous past time, and so on.”
If you have low self esteem, you might seek ‘approval’ through your thoughts and actions. Although approval is important, psychotherapist Noel McDermott explains, it has a different emotional role to esteem, which is “a core value experience that has a deep impact on our sense of self”. Approval is “more like a quick hit”, he says.
“Think of it like the difference between a complex carb with protein and a simple carb,” he continues. “The complex carb and protein builds muscle and provides sustaining energy, whereas the simple carb provides a short burst or high. Living on simple carbs is pretty disastrous, as is living on approval. Living for approval ends up with compromise of long-term emotional stability for short-term feel-good highs that have long-term mental health lows.”
The impact of this can vary wildly from person to person. “If low self-esteem relates to your feelings of incompetence or ability, you may become a control freak, or you may wash your hands and quit,” says Scott. “If it relates to your feelings of insignificance, you may fight for air time, or retreat to the position of passive observer. If it relates to your feelings of being unloved, you may try way too hard and provide too much information, or clam-up and become a secret agent.”
While so-called ‘maladaptive’ coping strategies – avoidance, distraction, or substance abuse, for example – make the problem disappear in the short term, the relief they provide is short-lived. “A common case would be having a drink to help you feel more confident at a party, often because of the underlying low self-worth,” says Dr Arroll. “Because of the lack of self-esteem, it’s hard to know when to stop drinking – so feelings of regret, shame and self-recrimination are heightened the next day, which then acts as a loop for poor self-esteem.”
Low Self Esteem: The Causes
We clearly aren’t doing ourselves any favours by masking the problem, but unearthing the root cause can be tricky. It could be a situation rooted in an early experience from childhood. Or, it might be as simple as a preponderance of ripped bodybuilders crowding your Instagram feed (and, in turn, your brain).
“Usually there will be a combination of factors – an individual may have grown up with quite critical parents who had difficulty in expressing affection, then throughout life experienced a number of psychological and emotional bumps and scrapes – for example health problems, rejection, job loss – that go onto affect our sense of self,” Dr Arroll says.
There’s also the culture of toxic masculinity that demands men confirm to male stereotypes, such as ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘toughen up’, as well as one-upmanship and high performance. “This is why it’s important to develop resilience,” Dr Arroll continues, “life isn’t going to stop throwing challenges in our way, but we can foster adaptive coping skills to overcome obstacles, both internal and external.”
We tend to assume that successful, wealthy, attractive people are immune from feeling like inadequate failures. Wrong. Oftentimes, low self esteem can be the catalyst that drives them to achieve.
“Self esteem has nothing to do with what we have, how we look, or what we do,” says Stephenson. “It’s linked to who we feel we are at depth, and whether we have been taught and or shown, implicitly and explicitly, that we are worthy.”
Additionally, it’s about how to assert your needs and wants, McDermott says, and get them met when interacting with others. “We get most esteem from those actions in which we overcome our fear of asking another for what we want,” he says, “such as asking the boss for a pay rise that we’ve been afraid to ask for. Whether or not we get the rise, taking action will make us feel great.”
Low Self Esteem: How to Banish It
The ‘cure’ for low self-esteem isn’t high self-esteem, says Scott. It’s no self-esteem. “If you accept yourself and stop judging, self esteem no longer exists,” he explains. “It becomes irrelevant.” To get yourself there, ask the following questions:
Who are you comparing yourself to?
“Why do we always compare ourselves to the people who are doing better and ignore everyone who isn’t?,” queries Scott. “Be realistic, you don’t have to be the best at everything.”
What attributes are you comparing?
“If someone is much better than you at something, they will invariably be worse at something else,” he says. “If you are going to compare yourself against other people, compare everything, not just the one thing you feel bad about.”
Is what you’re telling yourself actually true?
“Anything you believe about yourself, notice when and where it is not true,” says Scott. “Also notice when and where it just doesn’t matter at all.”
Are you too focused on the present?
“Notice that you are a work-in-progress who constantly grows and changes,” he adds. “Ignore who or what you think you are today – focus on what you can become. If there is something you are not happy about, make a plan to change it.”
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Low self esteem tends to go hand in hand with a harsh inner critic that can’t just be ‘neutralised’, says Stephenson. “Most people suffering from low self esteem aren’t idiots – they have heard their friends and their colleagues, challenge their inner voice; they themselves have likely tried to challenge their inner voice, with little or no results,” she says. “Positive self talk isn’t enough.”
This is where professional therapy, for example Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), comes into its own. If that seems too big a step, look at local support groups in your area, Dr Arroll suggests. “Meeting others in an informal setting and chatting through how you feel about yourself can make all the difference to self-esteem,” she says. “Or why not start a WhatsApp group with mates to share experiences?”
Regardless of the route you follow, fixing low self esteem is all about identifying your core values and taking action. Are there things you’re avoiding in your personal or professional life where a conflict exists between your values and what you are doing? If so, write a list of them, suggests McDermott. Reframe your ‘mistakes’ as learning opportunities. Focus on your strengths, rather than your faults. Make a list of your best assets and read it every time you blame yourself for a failure.
“There is a saying that two of the most important days of your life are the one when you were born, and then the one when you discover why you were born,” he continues. “Without a 'why' it’s difficult to have esteem, because esteem is about you defending and asserting your ‘why’. So why are you here…?”
Low Self Esteem: The Quick Fix
Even with the best will in the world, recovering from low self esteem won’t happen overnight. There will be setbacks along the way. When you find yourself caught short and in need of a dose of self-esteem stat, administer these expert-backed hacks.
Get Moving
If you are about to be thrust in the limelight, literally or figuratively, try changing your physical state, Stephenson suggests. If you generally ‘shut down’ in those situations, try jumping up and down, punching the air, or listening to music that you love. If you’re more of the heart-pounding, heavy-sweating, negative-self-talk kind, work on calming your nervous system instead.
Breathe Easy
Focus on your breath, says Stephenson. “Not in terms of the breath in, which is what happens in a panic attack, but in the breath out. This lets your overcharged sympathetic nervous system know that you are not actually being chased by a tiger, but back in your safe cave. Drop your shoulders, breathe, and keep going.”
Stand Tall
Negative thoughts and feelings can make you want to hide from the world, says Dr Arroll, meaning you might subconsciously hunch over in an effort to ‘disappear’. “Use your body to rejig your mind by standing or sitting up straight and tall,” she says. “You’ll immediately feel a shift in perspective as your eye line changes and physical presence increases.”
Talk to Yourself
When you start to feel surrounded by critical feelings and thoughts, tell yourself confidently, ‘You’ve got this’, suggests Dr Arroll. “Research shows that using second or third person allows us to view our thoughts more objectively,” she says. “Affirmations can also help to set new neural pathways with a more positive reference point.
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