Lottie Tomlinson on grieving for her mum and sister, Félicité, in the public eye
Losing somebody you love is one of the most difficult things that any of us can go through. Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and one that can feel lonely at times, or as though there's a pressure to deal with it in a certain way (when in reality, there's no right or wrong way to respond to a death). This is something that social media influencer and beauty enthusiast, Lottie Tomlinson, knows more than most – as heartbreakingly, after losing her mother Johannah Deakin in December 2016, her sister Félicité sadly passed away in March 2019.
Now, as part of her role as an ambassador for the bereavement charity, Sue Ryder, who offer six free sessions with a trained counsellor, Lottie is speaking out about her own experiences of loss. "I didn't get counselling when my mum died, I was quite young [18 years old] and travelling a lot for work at the time," she told Cosmopolitan UK. "I kind of thought 'I can do this alone' and 'I just have to get on with it'."
She continued, "It's funny, birth and death are so closely linked, but nobody speaks about death. Everyone celebrates birth and although death is scary, it is going to happen, so we need to make it less of a scary, touchy subject." Lottie explains that it was only after losing her sister that she started therapy, which has since had a hugely positive impact on her mental health.
"I feel quite responsible for my family [as well as Félicité, Lottie has an older brother, Louis Tomlinson, and younger siblings Daisy, Phoebe, Ernest and Doris] and I wanted to be strong for them. I've realised that asking for help is actually the opposite of weakness." Lottie adds that for the first year after her mother's death, she spent a lot of time suppressing her emotions and bottling things up, which lead her to a dark place. "Now I know that if you need to cry, then it's important to allow yourself time to cry."
Dealing with loss as a public figure hasn't always been the easiest either, she admits, which is part of the reason why she's so proud to now work with Sue Ryder. "I do get a lot from sharing my story online, I feel like I'm reaching people and helping, which in turn helps me. Fans and followers have been so supportive too, telling me that they're proud. But sometimes I do feel pressure to respond to all of the messages I receive – which isn't always possible – which is why it's so nice that I can now signpost them to somewhere that practical help is on offer. Sue Ryder offer online support and have a forum."
Lottie says she's found a lot of solace in her counsellor, noting that while they completely connected from their first meeting, if you don't get an instant 'click' with a mental health professional, you can always search for another. "You've got to vibe with them otherwise it's not going to help. It can be trial and error, finding who, or what, works for you. In some ways my counsellor reminds me of my mum, she's so caring."
She says it's been such a help having fifty minutes a week designated to talking about her mum or Félicité. "I'm now at the stage where I can look back on, and talk about, the nice memories we shared, like our holidays in France and Christmases, and it leaves me feeling lighter." When she wants a moment of reflection alone, she'll look through old photos and light a candle. "Taking care of yourself really helps." Spending time with family is a huge comfort for Lottie too. "Losing two loved ones at such a young age has changed my perspective on life. I appreciate the little things so much more and spending time with my family. We really treasure each other as we've lost so much."
A post shared by LOTTIE 🕊 (@lottietomlinson) on Dec 7, 2017 at 3:00am PST
As for the future, Lottie says that losing her mother has made her feel more excited about the prospect of becoming a parent herself one day. "It's made me excited to have my own family, because obviously losing your mum you lose that special [maternal] connection. When I have my own children, it'll be really nice to get that feeling back again."
How to support a friend who is grieving
Felicity Ward, Online Bereavement Counsellor at Sue Ryder offers some advice on how best to support somebody who has recently lost a loved one:
Don’t tell them it will all be okay – it isn’t and it may not be for some time.
Acknowledge that this is a difficult time and ask them how they’re genuinely feeling. Follow your friend or family member’s lead, sometimes they may want to talk, other times they may not.
Listen, listen and listen some more. Try to resist giving any advice unless specifically asked for it.
Make them laugh. Talk about mundane, ‘normal’, everyday things.
Check in with them – people can find it difficult to reach out when grieving.
Send a care package of their favourite things. Perhaps a mix of healthy snacks for when they don’t feel up for cooking, some self-care bits, such as a face mask or a game only requiring one player, such as a Rubix cube.
Understand that you cannot make them feel better, but you can support them whilst they adjust and work their way through this painful experience. Let them know that you understand it’s ‘OK not to be OK’ at this time.
Lottie Tomlinson is an ambassador for Sue Ryder, which provides online bereavement support, including free video counselling with trained bereavement counsellors; an online community forum offering 24-hour peer-to-peer support and a wide range of advice and resources for people who are grieving or supporting someone through bereavement.
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