I lost my poodle Sofia after 17 years. How to manage anticipatory grief and grief
The new year is a time for fresh starts, but for those who are grieving January might not bring new beginnings, and that includes grief over a pet. Grief has no timeline, and doesn’t care about ‘new year, new you’ promises. There are ways to move forward and honor the pet who passed away at the same time.
I lost my best friend of 17 years in December, and that made it difficult to celebrate the end of the year. I'd had Sofia, a standard poodle, since she was a puppy. We were together through my divorce, and moved homes twice. Because my parents died when I was young, she was in my life longer than my father and just about the same number of years as my mother. This peaceful, empathetic, sweet dog was my consistency and family. By the time she passed, I’d spent the previous two months in “doggy hospice,” shuttling between emergency visits and chemotherapy, sorting medications and meal prep, and was already emotionally and physically worn out when my dog said her final goodbye just after Thanksgiving.
I’ve lost family close to Christmas before, but this grief felt different, like I’d let my dog down, like I could have tried a different approach or done more to save her. I spent days wondering what I should have done.
Through her comforting Instagram account, I met Dr. Katie Lawlor who specializes in counseling clients through pet death. Lawlor says guilt is the top emotion in therapy. That can complicate the process of moving on with what’s called “anticipatory grief,” or the sadness we feel when we know a pet is going to die but hasn’t yet.
My dog died Pet loss causes deep grief that our society ignores.
“We've been given the diagnosis, they've gone beyond the age expectation, but we still hold out hope there's something we can do to fix it," she says. Feeling this kind of grief-before-the-grief can make the healing process take longer. As pet owners, we want to ensure we’ve always done the best, but your final moments together are to be celebrated, not torturous. “I recommend not trying to grieve beforehand,” says Dr. Lawlor. “You'll miss out on opportunities you can share together.”
Instead, use this opportunity to spend as much time as you can with your pet. For me, that meant purchasing a wagon when Sofia’s legs gave out, and taking her to the beach, to a harvest festival (thank you for allowing her, Shady Brook Farm!), and making paw print art.
For you, that could be creating a journal of your time together, baking dog treats, or taking photographs. Maybe you simply decide to spend more time at home, watching movies or listening to music together. Children can draw or create art of the pet. Displaying the art ensures that there’s no sudden change after the pet dies, as Lawlor says, “the worst that can happen is the animal suddenly disappears.” Show your feelings and invite children to do the same.
After the anticipatory grief, of course, comes the grief of loss. Nothing but time can make this process easier, but Lawlor suggests checking in with yourself while you are experiencing this pain. Are you functioning as usual in that you are able to work, eat and take care of your regular maintenance and hygiene? Or, are you finding yourself in a depressive loop, full of anxiety, or self-medicating with food. Those symptoms might require grief counseling.
“Remember that you’re grieving the death of a connection,” Lawlor says. Consider the ways your life has changed in the time you had that pet, and be sure to talk about that with people who shared that connection. “What death does is clears away the noise and reminds us that our own mortality has limited days,” she adds. “When something close to us passes it reminds us… What do I want to accomplish?” You’re grieving a moment in time just as much as you’re grieving your pet, so be kind to yourself.
If you are entering the new year without your best friend, Lawlor suggests a few methods of memorializing your pet that can help the community and start the year off on a positive note.
“There's no moving on, but we can move forward, and you don't have to let go of that love," she says. She asks us to consider how we want to honor the time we spent with that animal and how it changed us. Ideas include: sponsoring a foster or animal adoption, volunteering your time at a rescue organization, donating your pets items to a shelter so that the daily reminder is not there (when you are ready).
Also consider repurposing itms such as a food bowl into a plant stand, a leash into turned a belt. Creators on Etsy can take the fabric of a pet’s collar and turn it into jewelry, and there are even ways to turn their ashes or fur into beautiful keepsake memorials.
As for me, I’ve donated many of Sofia’s toys as well as her food to a shelter, and made a donation in her name. I’ve looked into permits to assemble a small doggy-bag container on her favorite tree. Sofia’s fluffy poodle image is memorialized on my arm in a small tattoo, and I framed a photo of us together. I am also sharing my heart with a new puppy, who has inherited not just Sofia’s bed but her community; many friends have already stopped by to give gifts and share love. And opening your heart to someone just experiencing life with new eyes seems like the perfect way to start this new year.
How are you doing after the loss of your pet? Email me at adooling@gannett.com and tell me a happy story about your best friend.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Managing the loss of a pet in the new year
