My London: Count Dracula

 (Lee Martin )
(Lee Martin )


Sorry, bad line… is that Count Dracula? AHHH-HA-HA… hello? Yes, sorry, we get loads of callers around this time of year here, so I normally just cut to the chase and give them what they want.

And ‘here’ would be…? Transylvania, of course. Been here, oooh, coming on 591 years now, though it’s basically the same as it was with slightly better wi-fi. The front door still creaks nice and loudly, which is how I like it.

Where do you stay when you’re in London? Depends how dark I’m feeling. Ten out of 10, Jimmy Page’s attic in that castle of his in Holland Park. Six, maybe the Renaissance Hotel in King’s Cross. One, probably the Houses of Parliament. Although it still gets pretty dark round there, let me assure you.

Favourite pub? Well I would say Garlic & Shots on Frith Street — décor is right up my street and blood red shots (ideally of actual blood) are my tipple — but the ol’ allergy precludes me from going, sadly. I had a nightmare last time I was there — I like starring in nightmares, not experiencing them. I guess I’ll say the Devonshire Arms. Good décor, good crowd, good snakebite.

What would you do if you were Mayor for the day? Ban all use of garlic anywhere, then head down to Garlic & Shots for supper. Paint all the red doors black. Give all crematoria the day off and turn all the graveyards into juice bars. Then have a city-wide blackout, although it seems like your guys in Westminster are all over making that happen already.

Who do you call when you want to have fun? Hmmm let me think… Robert Pattinson. That guy from The Cure, Siouxsie Sioux. Is Johnny Depp still allowed? I do feel like I’m uncancellable at this point, but one has to be careful these days.

The most iconic Londoner in history? Further to the above I don’t really want to say, but the name rhymes with ‘sack the vicar’: actually you can add ‘sack all vicars’ to my answer about being Mayor for the day.

What’s your biggest extravagance? It’s not very glamorous but probably copyright lawyers. Honestly, you’ve no idea: every two seconds some little chancer rips off my schtick. I’m on this guy Yungblud at the moment. Honestly, I ask you…

Which shops do you rely on? Jermyn Street: there’s a guy down there who’s been doing my capes since about 1451 AD. Where exactly? I don’t want to say, he’ll realise he’s been undercharging me all these years. Edwin Saunders, the dentist who did Queen Victoria’s teeth and is always good for a pre-dinner sharpening. The Costa by Highgate Cemetery is nice. Pretty much anywhere in Camden Market. Oh, and the old City mortuary if I’m feeling peckish.

What’s the best thing a cabbie has ever said to you? ‘This ride’s on me, Mr Rees-Mogg!’

Maybe you can settle this: should people dress up only as scary fictional characters on Halloween, or does anything go? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Dressing up as, I don’t know, The Weeknd is not. Come on, give me a break, will you? It’s one day a year — put some eye-liner on.

Where would you most like to be buried? Yeah, good luck with that one… I’m not going anywhere.