How King Charles are you? The ultimate quiz

 ( Illustration by Lydia Silver)
( Illustration by Lydia Silver)

1) What do you have for breakfast?

a) Black pudding made from the blood of commoners

b) Mueslis from around the world

c) Seven boiled eggs cooked at 30-second intervals to get the perfect softness

2) What do you do when you fall in love?

a) Act a bit mumbly

b) Well, whatever ‘in love’ means

c) Marry someone else

d) All of the above

3) Are you green-fingered?

a) I had a cactus once but it died

b) I have a few plant babies I picked up at Columbia Road last Sunday

c) I talk to my plants more than my children

4) How would you describe your flirting style?

a) Handsier than Prince Andrew

b) Negging

c) I tend to liken myself to period products

5) What’s polo?

a) My car

b) A mint with a hole

c) The sport of kings, literally!

6) How would you describe your style?

a) Baggy jeans and trainers

b) I just throw on any old thing

c) Tightly knotted ties, double-breasted suits and more at caps than David Beckham

7) What really grinds your gears?

a) Hunting

b) Institutional racism

c) When fountain pens malfunction

8) How’s your bank balance?

a) The cozzy livs is biting hard, mate

b) It’s vulgar to talk about money

c) My assets are estimated to be worth around £1.8bn but there might be a bit more

9) Where do you holiday?

a) Mykonos or ’Beefa

b) I’m too busy working

c) Wales or Balmoral... haven’t you heard of climate change?

10) What was the last thing you gave your partner?

a) My Rolex

b) A lecture about the environment

c) The title of Queen

11) You’ve got a big party coming up, what will you serve?

a) Eating’s cheating

b) Caviar and oysters

c) A quiche

12) Wow this party is kicking off and everyone’s dancing, you are...?

a) On my phone in the corner

b) Dad dancing awkwardly

c) Breakdancing like I did in the 1980s

The results are in: which hereditary title did you win?

You scored... mostly Cs and Ds. You’re totally King Charles

Nice to meet you Charles the third, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of His other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith... *curtsies*. Congrats on bagging the top job in The Firm after 70 years. Treat yourself to a new pair of socks to celebrate.

You scored... mostly Bs. You’re medium King Charles

Close, but no Imperial State Crown for you. Although you have a lot in common with Charlie and could probably be friends, you’re actually just another eco-obsessed old posh guy. You might have no hair apparent, but you’re not the heir apparent. Better luck next time!

You scored... mostly As. You’re not King Charles at all

Sorry, but you really need to watch a few more episodes of The Crown before you can even think of passing yourself off as King Charles. Off with your head, you filthy commoner — or maybe you should be exiled somewhere ghastly like California. Frankly, a dreadful show.