Kimmel on Cruz: ‘I hope he never gets to eat peacefully in a restaurant again’
Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host discussed the NRA convention last Friday, which he called the “annual meeting of the mindless” and which took place just 300 miles away from the site of the Uvalde school shooting.
It wasn’t cancelled despite various pleas and Kimmel criticised the “shameful timing” and also the Texas senator Ted Cruz for spreading “his slime all over the NRA halls”.
Last week Cruz was confronted during dinner at a restaurant over his refusal to take action after yet another shooting. Kimmel said he “must know that at this point every busboy spits in his food” and hoped that he “never gets to eat peacefully in a restaurant again”.
Cruz used his speech to complain about the doors at the school rather than the AR-15 that was brought into it and so Kimmel suggested a door amnesty outside his house. “Imagine if there are so many doors outside of his door that he couldn’t get out of the door,” he said.
Donald Trump also made an appearance at the NRA affair, where he suggested more people with mental health problems should be institutionalised and blamed gun crime on people from broken homes. Kimmel called him a “deranged narcissist who had children with three different women”.
He also spoke about increasing school security, to which Kimmel quipped: “He wants it to be harder to enter a school than it is for him to enter Melania.”
The host complained about the “variety of issues and plans that they are not gonna do anything about either” after showing a montage of deranged excuses.
He moved on to the Georgia Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, “one of our nation’s clearest and most exhilarating thinkers”, who delivered an online rant about Bill Gates, claiming he wants people to eat burgers made from a “peach tree [sic] dish”.
Kimmel joked that Gates “uses peach tree dishes in all his science experiments”, adding: “The woman’s from Georgia, you’d think she would know what peach trees are.”
This week also saw the K-pop band BTS visit the White House, “undoubtedly a very confusing afternoon for Joe”. Kimmel continued: “I would watch a nine-part documentary about the staffers who had to explain what BTS is to Joe Biden.”
Trevor Noah
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah returned from a hiatus and started with a rundown of what’s been happening, including monkeypox, which experts say is mainly spread via sexual contact. “So at least now when you show up to the doctor with monkeypox, the doctor can be like, ‘my man’,” he joked.
He moved on to the two recent shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde. “People are asking how long can this keep going on,” he said, and spoke about Canada’s recently announced legislation to cap the gun market. “Canada saw what happened here and they’re shutting down guns there,” he said, comparing the US to someone who “smells so bad that you want to take a shower”.
Noah then said that despite most Americans wanting commonsense restrictions, a small yet powerful group is busy blaming shootings on everything else. One of the excuses is a lack of religion that has led to such violence.
The host joked that Jesus would not be returning to help anytime soon. “Look at what you guys did to me with nails – I’m not coming back when you have guns,” he said.
Another plan is to have more armed guards and police at schools but Noah noted that a “whole platoon … didn’t do shit to stop it” in Uvalde. He said the cops were “probably shit scared” and that people shouldn’t be allowed easy access to “weapons that the police are scared of”.
He spoke of the hypocrisy from people who claim Blue Lives Matter yet are willing to sacrifice them in the moment. “Get rid of these AR-15s and make these officers’ lives more safe,” he said.
