Katherine Ryan: ‘My love language is intimacy. That’s what my comedy is about’

I was an anxious child. I wanted to please everyone and do everything perfectly. My mother pretty much treated me as an equal and I had a lot of really cool feminist women to look up to. The men were not so impressive.

My childhood was very happy. My parents had full-time jobs and my dad also had golf, so my two younger sisters and I were left to our own devices a lot of the time, which was a good thing. We didn’t have screens, so we’d come up with our own little games.

My parents divorced when I was 15. It was acrimonious and they’ve never been in the same room together since. It helped me when I left the father of my eldest daughter, Violet. I knew from experience there’s a peaceful and kind way to split.

I got the message early on that the best thing you could be as a young woman was pretty, because all the female role models in my family were glamorous. But I wasn’t pretty: I was awkward and said the wrong things. So I changed gears as a teenager: I decided to become a hot blonde cheerleader who prioritised boys and partying. There were poor choices.

I have not had surgery on my face, but I think I will have a facelift in the next 10 years. I acknowledge that I am poisoned by my culture. I do still value being pretty and I do get rewarded for looking glamorous.

Biology pulled me into having two more children [with husband and former high school sweetheart Bobby Kootstra] by saying, “You’re 35. Do you want to have more kids or not?” So that’s the road I went down, but I think I’d be equally fulfilled had I continued on my previous path: Violet and I could be living in New York City. I could be on a jet right now.

My love language is intimacy. I want to tell people about my life and I want them to tell me about theirs. That’s what my comedy is about. I don’t have a choice, but to be authentic. That is what people are attracted to.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love money. It makes me feel safe and accomplished. I feel very lucky to be offered huge sums, comparatively, to go and have fun. It seems rude to say no.

Any time I’ve stuck my head above the parapet, I’ve done it unknowingly – almost. If I think something is unfair and it’s happening right in front of me, then I do what I think is right in the moment. I don’t properly consider the outcomes of things. Maybe that’s the best way to be.

I am very mentally robust. It makes me impervious to criticism. I’m not trying to anticipate how people might want me to behave. Some of that comes with age. I go to bed every night and there are no voices in my head giving me anxiety about anything, because every day I do myself as honestly proud as I can.

Battleaxe, Katherine Ryan’s new tour, will be in venues across the UK from September (livenation.co.uk)