You be the judge: should my daughter stop tipping so much when we eat out?

The prosecution: Katerina

Whenever we go out to a restaurant, my daughter Anya and I will have an argument about tipping. If I take her out for a meal, I’ll pay and leave a tip that I believe to be fair – usually 5% of the bill – unless the waiter has been exceptionally good. In that case, I might tip 10 or 15%. Anya says I should be paying more, but I do what I believe is right.

Recently we visited Bali, and ate out at a restaurant that added a 10% service charge to the bill. But Anya wanted us to tip more, and when I refused she topped up the payment with her own money. If I’m taking us out, I think she should go with what I want to do – that’s the polite thing to do.

I don’t have a problem with service charges being added to a restaurant bill. I just think that waiters generally receive good salaries across Europe, so tipping is not a necessity. I’m from Moscow and there’s a different standard there: tips are seen as a bonus; they top up your usual salary if you’ve worked extra hard. It’s down to how the client feels, and how the waiter performs.

It shouldn’t be on the customer to support the waiting staff’s salary, unless they do something really impressive. In my opinion, to receive a tip you need to do more than just serve the food and take away the plates. There shouldn’t be an expectation that you will receive the tip, otherwise you won’t go above and beyond in your role.

This issue first came up when I divorced Anya’s father eight years ago, and became more conscious of how I spend my own money. In restaurants, I get annoyed with Anya when she doesn’t follow my lead. We have different values, and that’s fine, but why can’t she adopt my values when we are out for dinner together?

I like eating out with Anya and I don’t mind paying for her, but I don’t want to discuss this with her every time. If she leaves a big tip on top of what I’ve already paid, I try not to tell her off but it’s hard, because I feel like it is a bit disrespectful.

Related: You be the judge - send us your domestic disputes

The defence: Anya

I really enjoy dining out with my mum, and I am grateful for all the lovely meals. But I also believe I should be able to do what I want with my money.

I don’t think I need to follow her rules. I never tell my mum that she needs to leave a tip if she’s taken me out for dinner. Most of the time, I’ll use my own money because I believe her tip is inadequate. I don’t put any pressure on her to tip more than she wants to. She can spend her money how she sees fit. But I am 30, and if I want to tip a waiter, I will.

I think she gets annoyed with me because she sees it as me being disrespectful. I know it might look a bit insulting, but I just don’t think that her 5% is enough. I’ll add more to make it up to 15 or 20%. That’s not ludicrous – it’s the industry standard.

When were in Bali, I tipped more because everything was already really cheap, so I wasn’t going to miss the extra £5 or £10 I tipped. Me tipping extra doesn’t undermine how I feel about my mum. If she wants to invite me for a meal I will gratefully accept, but that does not give her a right to tell me how to spend or not spend my money.

I’ve worked in bars and restaurants for many years, so I know the value of tips to waiting staff. People in the hospitality industry rely on them – they make such a difference to your pay packet and motivate you to work harder. A lot of workers do long hours, have little in the way of career progression and sometimes live in precarious conditions. There should be more protection for workers in general, and salaries should be higher for waiters. I’d love it if workers didn’t have to rely on tips, but until that happens I believe that if you can’t afford to tip, you shouldn’t go out for a meal.

I want to help my mum to see that me adding an extra little tip on top of her bill isn’t about her. It just makes me feel good and helps me live up to my values.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Anya stop topping up Mum’s tips?

People working in the service industry rely on their tips to live. It isn’t fair, but that’s the way it is. So if Anya wants to top up the tips, then Katerina should let her. Perhaps they could compromise – if Katerina pays for dinner, Anya puts in the tip?
Iain, 48

I get Anya’s credo, but when it’s time to actually pay the waiter I imagine it gets a bit messy and is terribly embarrassing for her mum, having to watch her daughter top up her tip. For that alone, Anya is guilty.
Jackson, 41

If Anya is happy for her mum to pay for dinner she should go along with her wishes when it comes to the tip, to avoid embarrassment. If they were splitting the bill, I’d side more with Anya.
Rachel, 32

Sorry Katerina, but in the UK a 5% tip is pretty measly. Why not let Anya pay the full tip as a thank you – that way embarrassment is avoided and she gets to pay what she feels is right.
Sara, 53

I don’t know where Katerina got the idea that waiting staff are well paid! Anya is right that many rely on tips. If topping up her mum’s tip makes Anya feel good, Mum should let her do it. Perhaps if Anya explained that her intention isn’t to be disrespectful, Katerina might back down a bit.
Felicity, 26

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Anya follow her mum’s lead on tipping?

The poll closes on Thursday 6 February at 10am GMT

Last week’s result

We asked whether Maeve is right to ask her housemate Richard to pay a bigger share of their household bills, as he works from home more.

75% of you said no – Richard is innocent
25% of you said yes – Richard is guilty