Joanna Trollope is tired of substandard men, and she’s not alone. So here's what the standards are
This week, Joanna Trollope announced that the 20 years since she divorced her second husband had been the happiest of her life. Unlike some women she knows, who settled for a “substandard” man rather than be on their own, she has no interest in Sub Man and is happy to call him out as such.
Men, how can you avoid being substandard? Here are a few suggestions:
Don’t get red-faced and sweaty drunk.
Don’t have subjects you like to debate with men and then get the OH GOD, WOMAN TALKING expression, should one have the impertinence to jump in.
Don’t say “I like my women feminine.” Meaning – urgh dread to think – very long tonged hair and high-heeled slippers? Feminine in the 21st century means women can drive a 10-ton truck and dress like a fairy cake.
Don’t have the “must get away from the clucking women” attitude. Do we really cramp your style, if you’re honest? No.
Don’t genuinely think of women as women you marry and women you don’t.
Don’t be the man who spends the whole time nuzzling the dog, and that’s the extent of your physical contact.
Don’t (really don’t) be the innuendo king or the chap who watches TV for the sexy bits, and tells everyone as much. (You may remember Sasha Swire in her diaries hinted that David Cameron watched the film Atonement expressly for the Keira Knightley fountain moment.) Also, do not have words for sex like “bonk”, “roger”, or “rumpy pumpy”. That’s a red line.
Don’t be a greedy scoffer or buyer of red wine that’s superior to the white (that’s two Sub Man’s in one: assuming the men will drink the red, and that the women have less discerning palates).
Erase forever the idea that there is such a thing as “woman’s work” and never use that expression. The other day, Claudia Winkleman remarked that she does not analyse why her marriage works – but her husband has not once asked her “What’s for dinner?”, which may have something to do with it. Good tip.
Don’t mansplain. There’s a misconception about mansplaining, which is that, should a man say to a woman, “Want any help changing that tyre?”, her head will explode. Actually what she would say is, “No thanks” or, “Yes please”. In our experience, the real mansplaining problem involves a man explaining what women really want. As in, “They love it when you buy them red satin suspenders.” The whole “They” thing is not music to our ears.
Don’t be an “I can’t” man. As in, I can’t wrap presents; buy tampons in the supermarket; talk to my daughter about her girlfriend.
Don’t wear shirts with straining buttons.
Come on. Don’t be a Sub Man. You will get our vote.
Is it just me...
Who has noticed that jazzy jumpers are properly making a comeback?
Thanks to The Crown, we are standing by for the revival of the jolly sheep or pigs jumper, as worn by Diana, Princess of Wales, and Sloaney friends. Then there are all the wacky sweaters in the shops and more zigzag tank tops than we have seen since Donny Osmond was in the charts.
And now Tom Daley is proudly modelling his own hand-knitted brightly coloured knitwear on Instagram. It can’t be long before we are looking at a new line: Tom’s Bigger Splash Knits.
Is it OK to...
Wonder why we are not all wig wearers like Moira in Schitt’s Creek?
Of course, some of us are wig wearers – for example, Joan Collins and Cher – but the point is regular civilian women are not expected to turn up to work one day in a jet black Ronnie Wood, the next in a glossy early 1990s Jennifer Aniston.
And the question is, why not? Wouldn’t it be great? Moira is no civilian, of course, but she’s our inspiration.
Watch out for Amélie or maybe Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction or the full Blondie coming to a Zoom screen soon.
