I've been with my partner for 6 years, and we don't live together yet. We're not in a rush.
Joanna Dahlseid, 40, has been with her partner for six years.
They both live in Montana but in separate homes.
Living apart together has remained the best option for Dahlseid as a single mom.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Joanna Dahlseid. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My partner and I have been together for six years and live apart. We both own our own homes in Missoula, Montana, about eight minutes away from each other. Our living apart together, or LAT, dynamic has allowed me to center my kids and myself in my relationship.
I first met my partner in 2017 when we both worked for a tech company. We were friends before we started dating, and we'd take a break from work by going on daily walks together. I'd been divorced for three years, and during our walks, I'd ping ideas off him as I explored what I wanted relationships to look like for me post-divorce. I told him I was looking for a relationship where my toothbrush stayed at my house and their toothbrush stayed at theirs.
After venting my ideas and learning that he also liked to have his own space, we realized we could make a romantic connection work.
After a year of friendship and exploring what we wanted our next romantic connection to be, we started dating.
I was still prioritizing myself, even when we started dating
Our relationship started off pretty casual. We'd see each other about six times a month. I was living what I call my "money-before-men era." Money was No. 1, and men didn't come ahead of my bank account. I let him know where he fit into my life, and he wasn't resistant.
In my 11-year marriage, I was what I'd call a trad wife. I wanted to stay home with my kids, but I never thought that things might not work out. When we divorced, I had no income and had never made money.
When I met my partner three years after my divorce, I was starting to hit my stride. I wanted to ensure I had personal autonomy and financial empowerment to make decisions about my relationships that were truly in my best interest and not because I was depending on someone.
I was on a journey I was very committed to, and I told my partner, "If you want to be in my boat, this is where I'm going." He was a cheerleader every step of the way.
Our relationship started off private
We kept our relationship private at first. Some of my friends said our relationship was weird because no one except them knew about it — not even my family. I told them it might be weird to them, but compartmentalizing our relationship allowed me to find myself and make sure I wasn't losing myself in it, which was a big fear of mine post-divorce.
About two years into our relationship, we were hiking one day on a trail when we walked past his boss. After that, we decided to own it and became more of a public couple.
His brother was getting married shortly after we went public, and a week or two before his brother's wedding, I said, "Well, I guess I'll just go to the wedding with you, and we'll just see how it goes." The wedding was my first introduction to his family, and everyone was very friendly and welcoming.
Living apart together worked well for me and my kids
About four months after we went public, my kids said it was weird that I had a picture of my partner on my wall and that they'd never met him. When they told me they were ready for it, I went super slow with the introduction, and it was very casual.
He would come over once or twice a week for dinner. Sometimes, the kids would be doing homework or sports, and then they'd come in to sit down and chat. We went ax throwing once, but bonding activities weren't the norm. This person loved me and liked being here, but there wasn't a requirement for family time. My kids didn't meet him until five years after my divorce.
Making sure my home was a safe space for my kids was one of the main reasons I pursued a LAT relationship. I realized I could have a meaningful relationship full of depth with someone who loves me while also centering my kids. LAT also allowed me to explore what it looks like to be a strong woman who gets what she wants financially, in relationships, and through motherhood.
My partner and I may live together one day, but nothing is solidified. Two of my kids are 19 and 20 now, but my youngest is only 14. We have another four years before he's out of high school, and it'll probably take some time before they all fully leave the nest.
Aside from wanting to wait until all my kids are out of the house, it also has to be the right thing for us. As someone who helps people navigate divorces, one thing I'm not interested in is moving into a man's home that's not equally mine.
If we did move in together, it'd have to be a shared space. We'd also have to figure out if we keep our houses and if it'd make sense financially for us to buy another piece of land in Missoula. We're not in a rush.
Do you have an interesting personal story about your relationship or marriage? Get in touch with cgriffin@businessinsider.com.
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