‘The idea that every Parisian is in a menage a trois is a silly stereotype’: This is how we do it in France
Anita, 32
We invited another couple to join us in bed. It was so clumsy, it felt more funny than erotic
When Bo and I first became a couple, we were all over each other in public, and we got a kick out of being admired by strangers. At parties, occasionally an acquaintance would approach us and ask – half-jokingly – for a threesome. I enjoyed the excitement of other people desiring Bo. I fed on it. But as our relationship has matured, I have become less willing to share him.
Within my social circle in Paris, threesomes are not unusual. Of course, the idea that every Parisian is in a menage a trois is a silly stereotype, but it would be true to say that leaving the party with more than one person is considered something of an achievement in my friendship group. Bo and I have never done a threesome together, but we did once invite another couple to join us in bed. It was late at night, and we were all quite drunk. The whole experience was so clumsy, it felt more funny than erotic. Bo and I were looking at each other and laughing some of the time.
Picturing him with someone else is no longer arousing
I am not sure I would like to do anything like that again, whereas Bo is keen to. In the first months of knowing him, my feelings for Bo were not as strong as they are now, so being in bed with another couple didn’t make me jealous. Now, picturing him with someone else is no longer arousing; the only feeling it provokes is annoyance. Bo and I live together, and we are talking about having a baby.
Right now, we make love at least once a week. The sex has become more intimate: there’s a lot of eye-gazing and hugging. It’s also more efficient. We know how to please one another so well, it’s almost like being in bed with another self. When we go out partying, Bo will often try to have drunk sex afterwards. He loves this kind of sex that lasts for hours and has an animal quality to it; but that doesn’t appeal to me any more. I can’t work out whether that’s because I’ve got lazy, or whether I’m more in touch with what I actually like these days. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.
Bo, 40
I would never mention the foursome to any of my friends
I met Anita at a climbing gym, and we began flirting straight away. Climbing gyms are pickup spots in Paris; they’re seen as less nerdy than real gyms. You dress up in sexy sports gear and sidle up to people on the pretext of discussing how best to scale a wall. Anita has wonderful, curly hair and a kind of restlessness about her, which struck me immediately. I tried to play it cool, because I suspected my standoffishness would intrigue her. I let Anita chase me for dates, but that was just part of my seduction routine.
At the beginning of our relationship, Anita and I used to seduce strangers. I would have been too afraid to flirt with another man, without Anita by my side, although I have always been curious about the idea. One night, a few months into our relationship, we took another couple home with us. It was exciting, and a little overwhelming. I hadn’t realised that sex with more than one person would involve so many hands – all coming at you at the same time.
Hopefully, once we are a little more settled, Anita will want to start experimenting again
Any time I felt lost I would catch Anita’s eye; I liked being able to share the experience, and go home afterwards and discuss every detail. I would never mention the foursome to my friends, because to admit to something like that would mean a total redefinition of my personality. Male bisexuality is not stigmatised in my circle, but the people I know – particularly the men – want to put you in a box and label it: gay, straight. Anita made my experimentation feel less consequential.
Callout
We have been together for three years now, and our priorities have shifted. The current focus is having a baby and buying a house. Sometimes sex is passionate, but often it’s almost like masturbating: we bring one another to orgasm in a gentle way, before sleep. I’ve told Anita I would like to keep inviting people to join us in bed, but she’s scared of feeling jealous. I tend to become threatened, too, if Anita has a strong connection with another person, so I understand.
Hopefully, once we are a little more settled, Anita will want to start experimenting again. I do occasionally worry that we are slipping into a traditional relationship, but it’s a trade-off. Anita and I are so close, and I’m not sure we could maintain the intensity of our bond if we were out every night, romancing other people.
