My husband is unfaithful and wants an open relationship. Is it time for us to split?

We are gay men in our mid 40s, who have been together 20 years. From the outside, we have a fantastic life: very well-paid, high-status jobs, and we divide our time between lovely homes in two cities. We have an active social life in both places.

Around 10 years ago, I had a feeling of mild unease that he was cheating on me, but I told myself I was being silly. He soon asked for an open relationship and said that I wasn’t sexual enough for his needs. I said no. Looking back, I think that may have been the moment that killed my marriage.

We talked very openly (I thought), and ever since then we have rather more sex than I would naturally seek, and possibly less than he would like. For years I regarded that with pride; as, in effect, a model compromise between adults.

Covid was a turning point. It forced big career changes on us both. He was exempt from working from home during lockdown and started “secretly” hosting friends in similar situations at work for the odd drink, travelling a lot for work, and staying out very late. One night he fell asleep with his phone dropping out of his hand and I saw a chat he was having with a friend’s ex. I could have ignored it but didn’t. I found messages making their affair clear.

I drank a bottle of wine and went to bed and we had an explosive row a few days later where he told me that he didn’t believe I’d been faithful and if I had that was “pathetic”. He’s also said it’s “cute you think I care about our sex life”.

Since then he’s changed and has stopped trying to hide his infidelities. I know he loves me, and I have – by default – accepted this. But I now drink to deal with this. His view is that it’s this or divorce. Is he right?

I’m sorry your partner is so incapable of loving himself that he can’t show you love. Sure, you probably have your faults, we all do, and we all have to take responsibility for our own behaviour. But love is not someone mocking someone or calling them pathetic. Yes we can all say deeply hurtful things in our relationships at times, in the heat of the moment, but your partner’s behaviour is long-term, systematic and it’s really a reflection of who he is and what he thinks of himself.

I went to COSRT-accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves.

He said: “You are saying that your husband loves you, but I struggle to see his love in your letter. One of the philosophies we use in couples’ therapy is that ‘love’ is not a noun but a verb, which means it is active and it comes with actions. His comments and behaviours don’t sound loving to me, in fact they sound cruel. Being in a relationship that is driving you to drink is a big red flag.”

When two people have mismatched libidos and perhaps also a desire for multiple partners in a relationship, it can be a struggle. If a compromise (that suits both partners on the whole) can’t be reached then it’s difficult for that relationship to be sustained.

We can all stay tethered to damaging behaviours if it suits us in some way. So you may need to spend some time reflecting on what this relationship gives you, because it seems to me you’re self-harming through it – as if it’s all you think you deserve and now drinking to get away from the pain. Please get some help – find local alcohol addiction services or counselling near where you live and I’d also like you to talk to your doctor. Some are amazing at putting support in place. What about a trusted friend who can remind you what your worth is when you falter?

“When we choose to be in a relationship,” Neves said, “we cannot live life as though we are single, we have to be responsible for any behaviours that impact our partners. It also sounds like the open relationship you’re both in has been imposed on you, rather than being properly agreed with clear boundaries you’re both happy with.”

Your relationship, a place where you’re meant to feel cherished is hurting you. You need to get out, you need to put yourself first and whatever pain the separation may initially bring, it will lessen compared with the pain of you trying to survive this.

• Alcoholic support in England and Wales: nhs.uk.

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