'My husband shoved, choked and raped me hours after I gave birth'
When the Domestic Abuse Bill gained Royal Assent this week, I felt proud of the part I'd played in its creation. There are women whose names I may never know who will live to be protected because of a law I participated in.
At 17, I met my first husband, John, who was 14 years older than me. I was working in a stableyard and he wanted to buy a pony for his daughter, so he asked for my advice. Within three months, I had moved in with him. After six months, he threatened to send an intimate picture of me to my mother if I defied him.
I was meant to be meeting my mum, but he didn’t want me to. He threatened me: “If you go, I’ll send this picture to your parents, and show them what a slut you are.” It was like someone had thrown a bucket of cold ice over me. I was mortified.
There were other occasions, too, when he said he would send compromising pictures of me to everyone in my phone book. If anyone replied, he jeered, it would be clear I was having an affair with them.
After our relationship ended, he threatened to share the images online: “So everyone would know who I really was”. John is now in prison – he was convicted for rape and sexual assault and sentenced to 12 years – but I know he has pictures of me in the cloud. He has sent intimate photos of me to court. Will he share more when he’s released?
At least I can be confident of one thing: with the Domestic Abuse Bill there is now remit in the law to protect myself from him.
I worked tirelessly with Refuge and other campaigners for nine months to secure the naked threat amendment to the bill, which criminalises threats to share intimate images. The existing revenge porn law fell short of protecting those who were threatened with their intimate images being exposed.
With an abusive partner, this is a crippling method of control. It becomes leverage for them to coerce you into doing what they want. I'm thrilled that we now have protection from it.
When I met John, he swept me up and was so charming. He said I was amazing and beautiful. He had a home, a car and a daughter he saw at weekends. I thought he was so responsible and fell deeply in love. Looking back, I was vulnerable and seeking stability.
At first, my friends and family thought he was a bit strange. As time passed, they stepped back from my life. Before long, I was completely isolated, with no job and living 30 miles from home. He starved, shoved, choked and raped me multiple times, once within hours of me giving birth to our son.
Leaving isn’t easy. Imagine looking at the things around you, gathering what you can in your arms and walking out of the front door forever. To never return to your house. That’s what it’s like. You have to leave stability and take their children away from their beds. You’re scared about ending up with nothing.
The first time I thought about leaving, I was eight weeks pregnant with our first child. I finally left when she was almost six. I spoke to someone from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and the next day I managed to sneak away from him and go to the police station. He was arrested and I was able to get a few more things from home for the children. Three years later, he was convicted of rape and sexual assault.
My perpetrator had abused three or four women before me. It’s frustrating that no one had told me he had plead guilty to indecent assault of a child under 14 before we got together.
It’s important to remember that abuse doesn’t end with prosecution. I have been free from my ex-partner for six years, but he is still using the courts to bully and coerce me - including via my oldest two children, who are hoping to be adopted by my new husband, Ben. He is still making false allegations about me to social services and the police.
I’m now 32, with three beautiful kids, aged four to 12, and a stepdaughter. I have been married to Ben for four years. He’s my best friend. We complement rather than need each other. I feel lucky every day.
I speak at companies with internal domestic abuse schemes and work with Connexus, a social housing provider in Shropshire to support survivors. In the long term, I am considering running for office as an MP. In that role, I could continue the important work of holding perpetrators to account for the abuse they commit, day in, day out. At least now, many of the things they knowingly do are banned within the remit of the law.
I have put on 3.5 stone since I left my ex and have never felt better. In pictures from our wedding day I look like I have an eating disorder, because of the stress. Can I see my cheekbones any more? No, but I’m grateful. I’m glad to be alive.
As told to Cara McGoogan
Call Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, available 24 hours a day 7 days a week for free, confidential specialist support. Or visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk to fill in a web form and request a safe time to be contacted or to access live chat (live chat available 3pm-10pm Monday to Friday)
