My husband cheated on me and now I’m disgusted by the idea of sex
I’m a 30-year-old woman, and have been with my husband for 11 years. We have three kids and both work full-time jobs. Three years ago he cheated on me with his ex from school. We split up for seven months then got back together, but now I’m kind of disgusted by the idea of sex. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or how to fix this. I don’t know how much longer he will put up with this.
Your husband clearly loves you for many reasons other than sex. And you deserve to have all the time you need to heal from the trauma of discovering his affair. It is extremely common for a betrayed partner to be turned off sex, and your husband needs to understand this. He also needs to be patient, supportive and to work hard to rebuild your trust in him. It’s unfortunate that you seem to feel that your disgust is wrong and that you need to try to accommodate him despite it. Find a way to get him to listen to you. You might say: “It would be nice if we were able to pick up where we left off, but that’s not possible for everything. It’s going to take me some time to feel sexually confident again, and I really need your understanding and support.”
Then ask very specifically for what you need – whatever that might be. Maybe you need him to be more reassuring, to provide more non-sexual loving touches, to set aside one night a week for an outing without the kids? Whatever it is, express your exact needs and teach him to treat you like the special, attractive woman you are. You are no doubt still harbouring resentment and distrust, and those understandable emotions are undermining your sense of safety with him – and that in turn curtails your sexual desire. If he makes a decent effort to comply with your requests, you will eventually trust and welcome him again.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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