How To Get Out Of Any Awkward First Date Conversation
A guy I know became so desperately uncomfortable on a first date he excused himself to the bar then secretly bolted out of the door and ran all the way home, never to be seen by the unfortunate lady again.
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The problem is, my friend was so consumed by fear, he had no space in his short-term memory to remember what his date looked like. Now the whole of London, the city in which he once roamed unfettered and carefree, has become a wretched metropolis of paranoia and despair.
Don’t let the place where you live become a prison. Follow these tips and tricks to face those eggy moments head on, like a kind and courteous adult.
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
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Open-ended questions require lengthier answers and can initiate discussion.
“Would you rather: hand out flyers all day every day for five years or punch a baby in the face?” This is not an open-ended question.
“What is your favourite memory from childhood?” Is.
Do you see the distinction?
2. Plan
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Have a couple of light-hearted anecdotes in your back pocket, to use when the conversation lulls. If you don’t have any of your own then talk about something that happened to a mate.
If the worst comes to the worst, steal a plot line from Friends (just remember to change names and locations).
3. Be Playful
If you’re bored, it’s likely your date is too. Why not fabricate a few ‘facts’ for your own personal amusement, such as:
“A forehead is called a ‘forehead’ because you can only fit four fingers on it?”
“Did you know it’s physically impossible for cats to walk backwards?”
“Sarah Jessica Parker holds the world record for being able to climb inside a pumpkin and hold her breath for seven minutes and 34 seconds.”
Your date will either think you’re dead funny or completely insane but let’s face it, not being on the same humour wavelength is kind of a deal-breaker anyway. Am I right?!
4. Have Fun
If after following all this incredibly sound advice, you find yourself at a conversational stalemate, challenge your date to a game ‘Celebrity Fish Pun’. Here are a few to start you off:
Pike & Tuna Turner
Wu Tang Clam
Beyonce Shoals
You’re welcome :)
5. The Emergency Double Bluff
If it’s going really badly and you just need your date to disappear, follow these simple instructions:
a) Excitedly tell them you’ve brought an object with you that reminds you of them.
b) Calmly reach into your bag, pull out a packet of tissues and say: “Because you’re probably going to break my heart, just like all the others.”
c) Scream and scream and scream and cry until they go away.
Your date will leave thinking they’ve made a lucky escape, and you can take comfort, safe in the knowledge you’re a kind and courteous adult, unfettered and free to roam the the streets where you live.
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