How To Cope With Heartbreak
[Photo: burak kostak/Pexels]
If you’re reading this and you’re going through a breakup my heart goes out to you, I know this agony.
The end of a relationship can give way to such unrelenting anguish the only respite you can get is when you’re sleeping. Intrusive feelings of powerlessness, despair and fear can become so all-consuming you wonder if you’ll ever be able to get back to who you were.
The grieving of a relationship is not unlike drug withdrawal; the physical symptoms are very real. In his book The Idiot Brain, Neuroscientist Dean Burnett says: “being in love seems to elevate dopamine activity in the reward pathway, meaning we experience pleasure in our partner’s presence, almost like a drug.
Studies have shown that a relationship breakup activates the same brain regions that process physical pain.”
Although your suffering may feel unbearable, know this, the hurting will eventually fade. In the meantime be kind to yourself, this isn’t a process you can rush.
Accept the pain
If I could invent a drug that could fast forward heartbreak I’d be a multimillionaire. Alas, grieving is an essential part of recovery. You don’t have to be strong all the time; there’ll good days and bad days. Accept they’ll be a period of time where you’ll feel like absolute crap. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Cry, be angry, take time off work to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Feel the grief with every fibre of your being. It’s part of letting go. Don’t hold it in, let it out.
Easy on the self-medicating
The temptation to numb the pain with alcohol or whatever is totally understandable. There’s definitely a place for blowing off steam in this way but remember to be kind to your body. Hangovers and comedowns are an additional burden and will exacerbate feelings of anxiety. Recognise that self-medicating is a means of deflecting and delaying the inevitable i.e. facing the pain head on.
Don’t forget to eat
If your grief has left you without an appetite, eat foods that are simple and comforting. If you’re not eating well take a vitamin to boost energy levels; essential for giving you the oomph to combat the extra stress you’re going through.
Escape
Give your pain-ravaged mind a bit of respite with some escapism. Discover box sets, watch cheesy movies, read books that are easy to get into; trashy, corny novels that don’t require too much thought can be calming and soothing.
Meditate
Training your busy mind to stop and be still is an excellent coping strategy in the heartbreak healing journey. I recommend giving Headspace a try. The ten minute guided meditations are easy and simple to follow and have kept me sane on numerous occasions.
Purge
Are you holding on to your exes stuff? If you’re feeling strong slinging everything into a bin bag and taking it to the charity shop can be really cathartic. If you’re not ready to make that choice store belongings out of sight until you’re able to deal with them. Constant material reminders lying around are not what you need that right now.
Don’t date too early
Everyone deals with this differently but getting under someone to get over someone can do more harm than good. If you’re not ready to date don’t force yourself. Signing up to dating apps and getting back out there too early will only serve to hold a mirror up to your own pain. Don’t rush yourself. You’ll know when the time’s right.
Reclaim yourself
Whatever this means to you. Get a haircut, have a clear out, blow a load of cash on a new wardrobe, hell, even get a tattoo. It’s perfectly normal to want to redefine yourself as a person and is part of the process of reclaiming who you are.
Seek out friends and family
Don’t lock yourself away. You’re experiencing love withdrawal and stocking up on your reserves will help with the healing process. Get cuddles from your family, if you’ve got kids in your life spend time with them - the simple act of playing is a wonderful distraction.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your pain with loved ones. Even if you’re repeating yourself, hashing things out with those you trust will help you make sense of your feelings.
Practise self-compassion
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive your ex for the pain they’ve caused you. You don’t have to forget or condone their behaviour but forgiveness will set you free. Most importantly forgive yourself absolutely and for everything.
Trust the pain will end
People take different times to heal. It could be weeks, months even years before this chapter is over. That doesn’t mean you’ve permanently lost the ability to experience joy.
You will win this battle. Yes you’ll have scars but those scars will make you beautiful. The pain you experience will teach you a great deal about life, who you are and your capacity for compassion and empathy. From great adversity comes great strength.
