"It Haunted Me For A While": Hospital Workers Shared The Deathbed Regrets They've Heard That Changed Their Lives

Thinking about, or being around, death is never fun, but sometimes, it can remind us just how precious our time is on Earth.

A few years ago, when I lost someone close to me, everything felt so raw, fragile, and finite. Every day felt like it would be my last, too. I had a newfound appreciation for mundane chores I hated, like picking out my daily clothes and taking a walk for my "mental health" (I'd never been present enough to enjoy walks). I felt gratitude towards my lungs and legs and a body that allowed me to keep moving to see birds in the trees and a city in motion even when my life felt halted.

Now, I try not to regret too often, but I do think it takes a conscious effort to choose yourself and the life you want to live in and eventually leave behind. We all make mistakes, yes, but sometimes we aren't fully honoring ourselves, and that can last days, months, years, and even decades if we don't point it out.

I was reminded again of the importance of checking in with ourselves—all our goals, wishes, hopes, and dreams—when I came across this thread that asked hospital workers to share the regrets they often hear from dying patients. So, whether you believe in regrets or just need another reminder to to do the things you want in life, here's everything they shared:

1."He wished he had been a better father to his daughter. He wished they had reconnected. His dementia prevented him from remembering they had reconnected years before and that she visited often. I wish I could have made him aware that he had accomplished his last wish. But he died not really understanding that."

2."I've worked in long-term care for over a decade. I can't speak for the young, but most often, old people regret the things they didn't do."

—[deleted]

Similarly, "It always seems to be things people regret not doing (e.g., I wish I had gone to England) or not spending time with the people they love the most. Remember to do what you love and don't do anything during the day that you will regret at night."

—crackerjack222

3."I worked as an oncology nurse right out of nursing school. I was barely 21 years old. I had a patient about my age who was dying of lung cancer. A few hours before he died, I sat with him, and he was telling me how much he wished that he would have had more time, maybe fall in love, marry, and have kids. He was so young. He asked me to call his parents, and he died shortly after they arrived. It was awful."

"His regrets were more about the life he had not lived. Many older patients had interesting life stories, and most wanted to tell them before they died. Most were at peace with the life they lived. Many regretted working so much and not spending enough time with family."

—MagiBee218

4."He was one of my first patients as a nursing student, named Frank. He was 92. After knowing him for a few days, he disclosed to me his regret was outliving everyone he loved. He and his wife hadn't had kids. He was 'all that was left', and he wanted to see his wife again. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I just listened. It made me realize how living so long isn't great if everyone you love is gone."

5."As a medical student at Stanford, I saw some 'VIP' patients. One, in particular, was an executive at an iconic company. This person was terminally ill, and I was tasked with the initial interview. During my history-taking, they spoke about the ride up the corporate ladder. It all seemed worthwhile at the time, chasing wealth and prestige. In the end, however, their regret was walking away from opportunities to build a family and invest in meaningful relationships. They poured their soul into the company, yet not a single soul could spare the time to visit them in the hospital."

"I still remember them in the hospital bed, staring out the window with a blank expression. It haunted me for a while but helped me change my focus, especially in an area and field full of high-achievers."

—21AtTheTeeth

6."My grandmother used to be a nurse, and she would say, 'I've seen a lot of people through their last days and heard a lot of regrets, but I have never heard anyone coming up to the end wishing they had spent more time working.'"

—TheMatt666

7."I was a hospice nurse. One of my elderly patients had skin cancer, a huge malignant melanoma on the side of his neck that was growing rapidly. He had been a farmer all his life and never married. One night, we were talking, and I asked him if there was anything he wished he had done differently in his life. He thought about it a minute and said he wished he had worn a hat when he was farming. I wish he did, too."

8."I was a new nurse, flying solo. We got a call for an incoming trauma, a woman in her 50s involved in a multi-car accident. We were all ready at the ambulance bay but unsure of the woman's complete condition. She rolled in, breathing on her own but very labored with asymmetrical chest expansion. She was profusely bleeding, had multiple deep lacerations, pupils blown, debris covering most of her, etc. Her vitals were unstable; she was circling the drain. We knew she was on the verge of coding..."

"...I was standing near her head, ready to assist in supporting her airway but also providing comfort and doing my best to calm her. The woman looked me directly in the eyes and, in a hoarse, labored voice, stated, 'I was angry. I told her I was disappointed in her.' She began to cry, her vitals plummeted. 'I'm sorry,' was the last thing she said before her heart stopped. We coded her, intubated her, and performed round after round of ACLS, only to eventually have to call the time of death. I still see her face at times, her eyes filled with more emotional pain than physical. It took much longer and was so much harder to write this than I thought it would be."

—NurseAshley216

9."In the ER, it's not something most people see coming when they arrive, but it's usually the same regret when they are coherent. They all wish their family were there. Or they cry out for their significant other in a panic. It's gotten to the point recently where we tell them, '[Significant other] is right here with you.' The look of relief on people's faces just hearing that gets me every time. People just want to not be alone at the end."

10."A 40-year-old patient I had was dying from breast cancer that had spread throughout her body. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years earlier and had a mastectomy. The doctor recommended that she have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction due to the high risk of recurrence of cancer. She said that she wanted to keep her breast (a real breast rather than an implant) in case she remarries and will be somewhat whole. She regretted not getting the bilateral mastectomy. If she had, she would not gotten cancer in her remaining breast and died at such a young age. The patient never ended up marrying after all."

"A week later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I instantly told the doctor that I wanted a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. I also had an aggressive form of cancer. My doctor kept pushing for a lumpectomy, which I probably would've gotten before I had heard how much she regretted her decision. I feel that she actually saved my life by sharing and opening up with her regret."

—Lanna33

11."That they hadn’t utilized hospice services sooner."

—azaleapirate

12."Some people just want you to let them go. I had a man with terminal cancer break down crying after his daughters left the room because they wanted him to 'keep fighting,' and he just wanted to rest and pass peacefully. Learn when to let go."

13."'Not yet! I can't die yet. I still have so much growing to do. I want to see my children and grandchildren grow up....' I am a physician trainee who has spent a decent amount of time in palliative care. I have been privileged to hear many stories and be part of many deaths, but I still can't explain why it is that certain lines remain with me and hit me so much harder. The gentleman who told me the line above was in his late 60s-early 70s. It made me reflect on how I view patients in this age group. Yes, much older than myself, but still with growing and living to do."

"I also think of a woman in her 50s who I met early in my training. She and her female partner had never married — partly due to laws, partly because it had never seemed important. When she was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer, they regretted never making that step. I attended their small wedding in the hospital. She died a few days later."

—yuanchosaan

14."AEMT [Advanced Emergency Medical Technician] here. Most patients I see in my ambulance are too sick to talk in these cases, but one sticks with me. A mid-40s male called us for chest pain. He was in the middle of a massive heart attack. We were screaming to the hospital, and he looked me dead in the eye and said, 'I should have eaten that f****** cake.' When I asked what he meant, he told me, 'F what others think. If it makes you happy, do it. Eat the cake. Pet a squirrel. Take a nap. F anyone else. It doesn't matter.'"

15."I used to be a nursing student. During my placement at the city hospital, I got to talking to an older man (he must have been like 88). One day, he told me I looked like the woman he had wished he had never let go. He said he was completely happy about how his life turned out and loved his family and late wife, but he always thinks about the woman he shouldn't have let go by."

16."I did a one-month elective in palliative care as a student. I enjoyed doing my best to make people feel as comfortable as possible in this difficult time of their lives. I felt it was very rewarding. I met a lot of different people at the end of life, and their biggest regrets and best memories conversation came up often. I would say top three I heard the most were:"

"1. I shouldn't have spent so much energy on negative emotions or hatred. The things that made me angry now seem completely trivial, and I wish I had spent my time being more happy and positive in life.

2. I should have worked less, worried less, and spent more time doing things I like with people I love (similar to #1).

3. Having kids. Many people who didn't have kids said it was their biggest regret not giving it a chance, never finding the right person, realizing it was too late, etc. I would say 'Not meeting my grandkids' or 'Not being there to see my grandkids grow up' came up often, too.

I heard a lot of different stories, but those were by far the most common. I also heard a few times, 'I liked this girl/guy when I was young. I should have been brave and asked them out. Life could have been very different. I will never know unless I tried.'"

(Cont'd) "One side note too, I saw many people deal differently with death. Some were very brave and stoic, some were very anxious and scared, and some were just full of hatred for life because they felt they were being cheated. In the end, all of them died. I felt really bad for the people who spent their last living days in such anxiety or hatred... I really feel like it's not a nice way to go. I always told myself that no matter how or when I go, I will do my best to face it with courage and be cheerful until the end."

—seifer9

17."I had a patient who I was in the room with when her doctor explained she only had a few weeks to live. I knew her well and spent quite a bit of time talking to her up to the news. In the days that followed, she seemed to have accepted she was dying. She lived this beautiful, independent, and successful life. Maybe not financially successful, but just plain happy. Anyways, when I was helping her to the tub on day 10 since receiving the news, she just broke down crying and couldn't stop crying about how much she wished she didn't put her dog down because they could have died together."

18."This was a weird one for me and actually apropos for my current life. I still think about her. Older 70s female with a history of breast cancer. She was in the ICU for sepsis, I believe. I talked to her, and she mentioned she was widowed. I gave my condolences and stated, 'That's hard. I'm sorry about your loss. I imagine you miss him.' To my surprise, she told me, 'No, actually, I don't. I was relieved when he died. I was never happy with him. I didn't leave him because that's not what we did back in the day. So here I wasted many years with a man who didn't treat me well, and now I have cancer.' Oof. Life lesson, folks."

—Like_The_Spice

And lastly:

19."I’m a hospice social worker, so I have the honor of listening to people's life stories, including favorite memories and regrets. Most regrets center around what they didn’t get to do, like never traveling to Italy when their family was originally from Naples. Some regret not getting a specific education, like wanting to go to college but never doing it. Some regret their choice of partner, especially when alcohol/drug abuse is involved or cheating."

That's all I've got for ya — while we don't have much control over how, when, or where we die, or the things in our past, we do have control over what we do today, tomorrow, and in the future. So, if you're reading this, yay, you're alive! This is your reminder that you've still got time to write whatever the rest of your story looks like.