If you have high expectations of yourself and feel the need to people-please, you may have eldest daughter syndrome
'Eldest daughter syndrome' memes are all over the internet.
But you don't actually have to be the eldest daughter to experience it.
A psychotherapist shared eight signs a person might have eldest daughter syndrome.
You're independent, ambitious, organized, and a bit of a perfectionist — and sick of responsibility. If that sounds familiar, you might have eldest daughter syndrome.
Eldest daughter syndrome isn't a diagnosable condition, but rather the behaviors, thought patterns, and priorities that can arise from being what's known as "parentified" as a child.
Those who are parentified are treated as a second or third parent instead of a child, and have to take on emotional or domestic labor that would usually be done by parents or caregivers, Paris Capleton, a psychotherapist at the Cambridgeshire and Peterborough NHS Foundation Trust in the UK, told Business Insider.
People experiencing eldest daughter syndrome disproportionately tend to be women from low-income families and families from the global majority who might have more culturally-imposed expectations of daughters, she said.
And although women's rights have improved in the workplace, this hasn't necessarily translated at home, because the bulk of domestic labor is still done by women. Yang Hu, professor of sociology at Lancaster University, UK, argues in The Conversation that this might be one of the reasons eldest daughter syndrome exists; if working mothers don't have time to do all the domestic labor, children may be left to pick up the slack, and it's more likely to fall to their daughters than their sons because of traditional gender expectations.
Capleton shared the signs you could be experiencing eldest daughter syndrome, whether you're the firstborn daughter or not.
Feeling the need to take responsibility for everyone else
One of the biggest signs of eldest daughter syndrome is taking on a lot of responsibility from a young age. Capleton said that this responsibility might be domestic — such as having to do all the chores, take other siblings to school, cooking, and cleaning — or emotional, such as taking care of parents and siblings, being a confidant to a parent, or mediating conflicts.
This can lead to feeling a "really deep guilt" when you aren't meeting everyone's needs or you go against what's expected of you.
Being highly independent and having difficulty asking for help
If you grow up with no one to ask for help, or knowing no one will be able to tend to your needs anyway, you get used to doing everything on your own, Capleton said, even if there are people you can turn to.
"People might look at you and think you're so wise or so independent for your age, not knowing that it was because you were pushed into it or because you lost your childhood," she said.
Being quite serious or struggling to have fun
This could be because you didn't get the chance to have fun as a child because you were dealing with adult problems, Capleton said.
People pleasing
"When a lot of your childhood was formed around supporting and caregiving, your identity tends to become about what you can offer to others," Capleton said. This can lead to people pleasing, where you change yourself or don't express your likes and dislikes because you're scared that others won't like you unless you're addressing their needs.
"But there might also be this deep-seated feeling that whatever you do is never good enough, or you never really feel like your efforts are appreciated by others," Capleton said.
Everyone comes to you when there's conflict
Always playing the part of mediator or conflict-solver, can be an emotional burden, Capleton said.
"Ask yourself, 'Am I the mediator? Am I the person that people come to make peace in times of conflict? And does it feel good?'" she said. "Because mediation and supporting others can be a negative thing. It can take away from your life and energy."
You're a perfectionist
Feeling like people have high expectations of you and feeling pressure to fulfill them when you were a child might lead you to have similarly high expectations of yourself later in life — even when those expectations are no longer placed on you, Capleton said.
And, coupled with an inability to ask for help, this might mean that you burn yourself out trying to achieve this perfection on your own, she said.
Wanting to be in control all the time
People experiencing eldest daughter syndrome might feel anxious or break down if something doesn't go to plan or if something interrupts a regimented routine, Capleton said. That's because they were likely used to planning and needing to constantly be on top of things as a child.
Seeing love as transactional
"If you felt like your parents just used you for what they could, that's going to stem out into your other relationships. So when people show you love and care, you're not going to fully believe them because you might deep down believe that all your relationships are transactional," Capleton said.
She added: "You might be subconsciously thinking, 'If my parents just wanted care and support from me, then this person will only be wanting the same.'"
Read the original article on Business Insider