How to heal after a breakup: Your 4-step, neuroscience-backed plan
Welcome to 'Your Brain On...' with Nicole Vignola, Instagram's favourite neuroscientist (@nicolesneuroscience). In this monthly series, the author of REWIRE is going to be filling Women's Health readers in on the latest science and know-how concerning your most complex, mysterious organ.
Her aim? To harness such intel to live your healthiest, happiest life. As we hit the new year, she explains how to harness the collective self-improvement buzz for lasting change.
Breakups hurt. Not just in the existential 'will I ever love again?' way but also literally: your brain engages the same neural pathways activated by physical pain when you go through this type of grief.
Yep, science backs up what heartbreak songs have been screaming at us for years: love lost can feel like a punch to the gut or breaking a bone.
Neurologically speaking, a breakup mirrors drug withdrawal, triggering an intense rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, you're drowning in sadness, desperate to get them back. The next, you're numb. Then you find yourself angrily scrolling through their old texts like a detective looking for clues.
If you find yourself acting out of character, that's the very essence of heartbreak. Your neurochemistry has gone off the rails.
The neuroscience of breakups
During a secure relationship, dopamine and serotonin balance each other out. Dopamine fuels excitement, anticipation and motivation, while serotonin stabilises mood, reduces anxiety and fosters emotional security.
But here’s the catch: dopamine and serotonin have an inverse relationship in certain brain systems, meaning when dopamine spikes, serotonin tends to drop. This happens because both neurotransmitters compete for the same biochemical resources – specifically, the enzymes needed to convert tryptophan (the precursor to serotonin) and tyrosine (the precursor to dopamine) into their active forms.
When dopamine production is prioritised, serotonin synthesis can take a hit, leading to emotional instability and obsessive thought patterns.
Why does dopamine spike during a breakup?
Although we think of these hormones as the 'happy hormones', breakups can paradoxically cause an initial dopamine spike.
This is because your brain perceives the loss as a threat to survival. After all, attachment bonds are wired into human evolution for safety and reproduction. When something valuable is suddenly removed, your reward system kicks into overdrive to try to get it back.
This is why you may feel an overwhelming urge to:
Stalk their socials
Re-read old messages
'Accidentally' bump into them
Over-analyse every last interaction
How to rewire your brain after a breakup
1. Stop feeding the dopamine craving
As we discussed, it makes neurological sense for you to find yourself doing dopamine-seeking activities, like checking their social media or 'accidentally' pocket dialling them. Your brain is searching for a hit, reinforcing the addiction.
But you need to detox your dopamine. Block, mute or delete their profiles and replace scrolling with something more fulfilling such as travel, hobbies, exercise or even switching up your morning coffee spot.
2. Boost serotonin naturally
Remember, while your dopamine is spiking as you hunt for reward, your serotonin will be crashing.
At the same time, breakups shake your sense of identity. Small wins like finishing a book or hitting a workout goal not only help rebuild confidence but also boost your serotonin levels.
To increase serotonin, you also need to focus on getting enough sunlight, movement and food rich in tryptophan (like turkey, eggs, and nuts).
3. Regulate your nervous system
To calm the chaos in your mind, focus on relaxing activities. Deep breathing and meditation lower amygdala hyperactivity, reducing stress and emotional spiralling. Journalling also helps engage the prefrontal cortex, breaking obsessive thought loops.
4. Trick your brain into feeling secure again
To override the emotional withdrawal symptoms, we need to boost oxytocin, known as the love hormone. It's released with physical touch, like hugs, massages or even petting a dog, helping to soften the heartbreak crash.
Your brain is biologically wired to crave connection, and right now, it’s panicking because its main source of dopamine is gone. New social connections can trick your brain into forming fresh bonds, helping reset attachment circuits. Now is the time to sign up to the new hobby you've always wanted to start.
Healing from heartbreak
You may feel like your brain is broken, but it has neuroplasticity on its side. With time, the neural pathways tied to your ex will weaken and new experiences will rewire your emotional world. The four steps above can absolutely fast-forward this rewiring process by following the steps above.
When your brain whispers, 'Maybe just one text…' remind yourself: that’s the withdrawal talking. Give it time, and you’ll come out stronger than before.
Remember you also don't have to navigate this yourself. Lean on your friends and loved ones or, if you want structured support and a community that keeps you accountable, join my Rewire Your Heartbreak Group Coaching where we will cover break ups through a neuroscience lens.
Nic xx
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