This is how we do it: ‘Having sex as two trans guys is so expansive … there are endless possibilities’

Ben, 33

I didn’t come out as a trans man until I was 29. I’ve always felt like a man and I’ve always been attracted to other men, but for a very long time I was closeted and self-hating. I had boyfriends throughout my teens and 20s, but I didn’t tell most of them I was trans. I thought that in order to have a romantic life I had to keep part of myself hidden. I had one boyfriend who did refer to me as “him”, but only in the bedroom. In public, I had to behave like his girlfriend.

By the time I hit my late 20s, that way of living had become unsustainable. After a lot of deliberation, I had top surgery, which is an operation to reconstruct the chest to create a more masculine appearance, knowing full well that the kind of men I was dating before would no longer desire me. But then I met Jack.

One of the first and most important things to mention about Jack, is that he is exceptionally hot. I first spotted him across the room, at a queer event, and was completely transfixed. He has gorgeous puppy eyes, floppy hair and a little earring. He’s trans too, and has been taking testosterone for a few years.

We spent the next six months forming a sexually charged friendship, but I was wary. Jack had a reputation for being quite promiscuous, and I didn’t want to be just another notch on his bedpost. I was also a little afraid of sex at that time. I hadn’t dated for years and only previously had sex with cisgendered men. Eventually Jack confessed his feelings for me, and we ended up making out.

I needn’t have worried, because the sex – when it came – was electric. In my experience, the average cisgendered guy only knows how to do about three things in bed. There’s a lot of jack hammering, and about five minutes of foreplay if you’re lucky. But having sex as two trans guys is so much more open and expansive. I feel as if I can tell Jack any of my fantasies and there would never be any judgment. There are so many imaginative configurations … the possibilities feel endless.

Jack, 32

I remember locking eyes with Ben at a pub around a year ago and feeling a bit weak at the knees. He was wearing this flamboyant velvet shirt, with several buttons undone to show off his chest. I managed to secure a follow-up date by the end of the night. We watched The Lord of the Rings together, then talked for a bit about how hot Aragorn is. We both agreed there’s something homoerotic about buff men wielding big, shiny swords.

There was undeniable chemistry between us, but for the first six months I was shy about telling Ben how I felt. In retrospect, I’m grateful we didn’t rush in. In the year before I met Ben, I had been having a lot of casual sex – but often when I was actually in the middle of a sex act, I wouldn’t feel entirely present. I was out as a trans man but I often struggled to fully inhabit my body. Having top surgery made me feel more at home in myself, but Ben’s friendship also helped, because he made me feel understood. During the time we spent watching movies on his sofa, I was building inner confidence.

Eventually, I reached a point where I felt that if I didn’t declare my true feelings for Ben, I would go mad. I remember mumbling “I want to be with you”, but so quietly he had to ask me to repeat myself, which was excruciating – but he felt the same. The wonderful thing was that when we kissed I felt entirely present. Every sensation was heightened.

It’s amazing to be in a relationship with another transgender person, because we both have a more fluid way of looking at one another’s bodies. I do not have any desire to have surgery to alter my genitalia, but I want Ben to see my genitals as male. When you’re transgender you have this ability to just reframe the way you see the body, and it’s so liberating. When I look at Ben’s body I notice its delicacy and grace, but I also see how masculine it is. I find that beautiful.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?