"I hate my mum's new partner! Should I tell her?"
Q "My mum recently met someone after 11 years on her own. While I’m delighted for her and pleased she has someone – I can’t stand him!! He treats her well but he’s so old-fashioned in his views about women, it really riles me up. Do I tell Mum how I feel or should I just suck it up and be glad she’s happy?"
A First of all, it’s perfectly normal to feel so conflicted about your mum’s new partner; lots of adult children feel unsettled when their parent starts a new relationship, no matter how they feel about the person.
"You sound like a loving and protective daughter, which is a wonderful thing," says Sophie Scott, psychotherapist and author of You Are Not Alone In This. "But it’s important to remember that your mum is her own person - at a different stage of life, from a different generation, and with her own needs in a partner. Try not to project your own values on to her. If this man treats her well and makes her happy, then your role isn’t to judge, but to stay curious."
Sophie suggests that rather than focusing on what you dislike about him, try asking your mum open-ended questions about how she feels - what she values in a partner, what makes her feel fulfilled, and what her deal-breakers are. "Curiosity builds bridges, and it might help you understand her choice, even if you don’t agree with it," says Sophie. "At the same time, protect your boundaries - you don’t have to spend more time with him than you’re comfortable with. Set limits where needed, steer clear of conversations that create unnecessary conflict, and prioritize quality time with your mum."
Psychotherapist Annette Byford, author of Once A Mother, Always A Mother, suggests thinking about why you feel so strongly towards him. "The first thing I would suggest is that you honestly examines your feelings: Is this about you not liking this particular new person in your mother’s life or is this more about your difficulty with the fact itself that there is a newcomer in her life, replacing your father and possibly also taking the central position in her mother’s life? However much the adult in you wants your mother to be happy and are perhaps relieved even that you no longer hold sole responsibility for your mother’s happiness, there may be another more childlike part of you that is jealous and feels put out."
This is a perfectly natural reaction and not one to feel guilty about. "While parents have to learn to accept that their adult children lead their own lives, this is by no means a one-way process," says Annette. "The adult child may too struggle with this. They may still want their parent to stay the same person that they knew all those years back. They may expect their parent to be still solely focused on their needs, have them as the centre of their world and not have any interests or people in their life that compete with their central position."
Annette counsels against telling your mother how you feel about her partner. "A good question to ask yourself in those circumstances is 'Would I behave like this if the situation was arising with a friend rather with my mother?'" says Annette. "If it was a friend, would you feel you had a right to have an opinion on her partner, and a right to express that opinion? As an adult child parents should be treated with the same respect and sensitivity as one would treat a friend, and as one would expect to be treated in return."
If you're struggling to hold your tongue, find someone other than your mum to off-load to. And if you're really struggling, it might be worth talking it through with a therapist.
"Ultimately, this is your mum's journey," says Sophie. "Whether this relationship works out or not, she deserves the chance to explore it on her own terms. Rather than undermining her decision, try to empower her - after 11 years on her own, opening up again is a big step."
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