Can you have a happy marriage without sex?
To the outside world, Kate and Mark seem to have a great relationship. They’re both 52, fit and attractive, proud parents to two children, with a stylish home and creative jobs. But what their friends don’t know is that they haven’t had sex for more than a decade.
Kate isn’t her real name. Like many people living in a sexless relationship, she feels intense shame. ‘Mark was the one who stopped wanting sex,’ she says. ‘We met in our 30s and had a passionate start to our relationship, but during my first pregnancy, when I was 36, I developed a health issue that made sex difficult. I assumed things would return to normal afterwards, but that didn’t happen. We had sex once every few months, with me usually initiating it.
‘Two years later, I wanted another child and we conceived the first time we tried. But it was the final nail in the coffin of our sex life. Now, he’s always too tired or too stressed. I think it’s particularly humiliating to be a woman in this situation. You hear about men wanting sex and their wives fighting them off. Some of my friends joke about it, and I think: “At least yours still fancies you.” I felt – and still feel – like a freak.’
Kate and Mark are far from unique. A 2018 survey by Gransnet and Mumsnet, in association with Relate, found over a quarter of relationships are ‘sexless’ (with couples either having no sex at all or less than 10 times during the previous year).
Furthermore, 8% of respondents said they’d had no sex whatsoever. It hasn’t improved since then – Lelo’s 2023 Sex Census found more than a quarter of people are having less sex than they used to.
‘All research shows periods of sexlessness in relationships are completely normal,’ says Relate sex and relationships counsellor Natasha Silverman. ‘Many of Kate’s friends will be going through the same thing, but because we don’t talk about sex openly in society, people on both sides of that situation can feel isolated.’
What is sexual currency? And does it matter?
Dr Karen Gurney, director of The Havelock Clinic and author of How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, says: ‘The most common reasons why relationships might become sexless are overfamiliarity and predictability of sex.’ Couples come to see themselves more as friends and co-parents.
‘They invest less in sexual currency, which isn’t about the act of sex but all the other things that define us as a sexual couple, such as flirting, compliments, passionate kissing, touching each other’s bodies, being naked together and talking about sex.
Without even realising it, relationships can move into less sexual territory over time,’ says Dr Gurney. Alison, 58, is married to Sean, 59, and can relate to this. ‘I stopped wanting to have sex with Sean a few years ago. I’ve never had much of a sex drive, and the closer I felt to him, the more sex just didn’t feel right. We’re family, and sex felt almost wrong for that reason.’
Sex can also be a casualty of relationship problems. Nicola, 45, says: ‘My husband has let me down a lot over the years. Mainly not being there emotionally when I had two miscarriages and lost my mum. It’s chipped away at the passion, and I don’t think it can be resurrected.’
Another factor is age. A quarter of thirty-somethings are in sexless relationships, compared with 28% in their 40s, 36% in their 50s, and almost half of people aged 60 or older.
For younger couples, the passion killer is children. Parents are nearly twice as likely to have sexless relationships as couples who are childless. Tiredness was cited as the main reason, but the physical presence of children and lack of libido also featured.
Nearly 80% of mothers aged 30 to 34 said their partner would like more sex. Emma, 40, says: ‘I have a five-year-old and a 10-month-old. I hate my partner touching me in any form. My sex drive is completely dead. I feel bad for him; he’s been so understanding.’
However, things often hot up again when the children hit secondary school. In couples with teens, rates of sexlessness are the same as in relationships without children. But for older women, menopause is a common libido crusher – almost one-third of women over 60 said their sex drive had gone AWOL.
What if you argue a lot?
According to the Relate survey, nearly half of women in entirely sexless relationships have argued with their partner about sex compared with 38% of women overall. Dr Gurney says: ‘Research tells us that sexual satisfaction is important for relationship satisfaction. When people have great sex, it can boost their mood and wellbeing and bring a sense of closeness in the relationship.’
Kate says lack of sex has left her marriage in tatters. ‘I’ve asked Mark why he doesn’t want to have sex,’ she says. ‘He told me he didn’t know and felt bad about it. I was angry about that; I’m the one who’s being rejected! Frankly, I wouldn’t want sex with him now, even if he did show an interest, because I’m so bitter. If I won the lottery, I’d probably get divorced, even though the kids would be devastated.’
Sometimes it is better to part ways, as Alison, 57, reveals. ‘My ex-husband was hurt when I admitted I didn’t want to have sex with him after 15 years together. We got divorced, are both with different partners now and are much happier,’ she says.
If a relationship hits a sex slump, it’s vital that there’s no pressure, says Natasha. ‘The person who wants more sex must stop conversations that aren’t helpful and make sure they aren’t grabbing their partner’s body. You mustn’t think of sex as something you’re owed and never have sex after a row about lack of sex. Instead, give the other person space to ask themselves if they’re in the mood. Offer affection without pressure. Try to avoid blame. If you can tell your partner, it’s okay and not to panic, sex will probably come back.’
But what if it doesn’t? Can a sexless relationship be a happy one?
‘Yes, many couples decide that a shared life and family is enough,’ says Dr Gurney. ‘Sometimes, they may have arrangements where one partner goes outside the relationship for sex. Or maybe both have low sexual desire. Sexless relationships can be happy if both people are comfortable with not having sex. They may choose to prioritise other ways of connecting physically that are just as important to them, such as cuddling. Some couples may not be able to have sex for medical reasons but still enjoy “sexual currency”, in the form of kissing and flirting, which can elevate a relationship to something more romantic.’
James and Annabel, both 60, stopped having sex three years ago. ‘I just stopped wanting it, even though I still find James attractive,’ Annabel says. ‘I think he’d have preferred to keep having sex occasionally, but he didn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to do and didn’t want to lose me. We love each other very much and are very happy together.’
Can a sexless relationship be reversed?
Even couples who haven’t had sex for a long time can reconnect. Dr Gurney says: ‘Passionate kissing for no other reason than to enjoy a passionate kiss often makes us feel connected as a sexual couple and can sometimes kick-start desire.
Whether it goes any further or not, having higher levels of sexual currency also makes it easier for us to initiate sex without pressure and to transition into being more sexual without awkwardness.’ Natasha says that a couple’s relationship during a sex slump can predict whether they can recover from it. ‘If you communicate well, build emotional connections and do things together, you’ll have a strong connection to return to.
However, even if you’ve pushed each other away, help is available.’ This can include medical help. For some women who’d like to have sex again, HRT and even low-dose testosterone, available via their GP, can help boost midlife libido.
While painful penetrative sex can be improved with vaginal oestrogen and lubricants, therapy can be transformative for other couples. ‘I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex for 20 or 30 years but get back to being intimate in a way that works for them,’ says Natasha. ‘Retirement can often be a trigger as they finally feel less stressed by work and are spending more time together.
The best glue, she says, is love. ‘The couples who make it through and stay together often tell me: “There’s so much we love about each other; we want the missing piece back.” And that’s beautiful.’
Where to get support:
Relate.org.uk offers private psychosexual and relationship therapy.
The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) maintains a register of qualified and vetted psychosexual and relationship therapists, as does
The Institute of Psychosexual Medicine (ipm.org.uk).
Your GP can refer you for sexual and relationship therapy free on the NHS.
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