Have I got… hyper empathy?
Do other people’s experiences and emotions resonate as strongly as your own? Hyper-empaths are overly attuned to other people’s feelings, and mirror them to the same intensity.
Relating to someone else’s pain (whether that’s physical or mental) isn’t unusual. Aside from our innate ability to sympathise with others, research has shown that emotions are contagious. If one person is feeling angry or happy or frustrated, it’s likely other people in their trajectory will feel it, too.
Hyper-empathy – when someone is so attuned to others they absorb their emotional states
What is hyper-empathy?
But hyper-empathy is different. These highly sensitive people go several stages further than simply relating to other people’s feelings; they spend their lives flooded with emotion, so attuned to others that they absorb their emotional states. And if you find yourself caught up in someone else’s problems for hours on end; feeling drained after spending time with others; experiencing out-of-proportion emotional responses to situations; or unfailingly putting other people’s feelings before your own, you might be a hyper-empathic person.
According to Andrea M Darcy, a mental health expert: “Psychologists talk about both emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy means we can mentally imagine the other person’s experience.” Emotional empathy, on the other hand, is where things become complicated. “This is when we allow ourselves to feel what another person might be feeling. This is also where we can end up in the realm of hyper-empathy – or what Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education perhaps more accurately terms ‘empathic reactivity’.”
This might not sound a like a terrible curse; after all, empathy – the ability to understand and share the experiences of others – is crucial to successful, compassionate relationships with others. It’s a gift, rather than something to pathologise. But for true hyper-empaths, relationships can be exhausting and overwhelming, and they can be at risk of feelings of depression, anxiety and isolation.
How do you treat hyper-empathy?
Prioritising self-care can help, as can practising self-compassion, establishing healthy boundaries and talking therapies. The writer Joanna Cannon, author of A Tidy Ending and a hyper-empath, has some words of wisdom for anyone living with the condition. “The trick is identifying an incoming emotion, making a decision as to whether it’s useful and adjusting our reaction accordingly,” she says. “If you’re angry about animal cruelty, volunteer as a dog walker at your local animal shelter (there is always a need); if the report of a serious road accident upsets you, write to your local council about speed cameras.” And remember, she adds, being a hyper-empath isn’t all pain and misery; they make great listeners and have superb intuition. “That gut feeling we get about something… most of the time, it’s right.”
Not to be confused with: Anxious attachment – a disorder with its roots in childhood, where you may find yourself constantly worrying about relationships with colleagues and friends.
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