What is good sex? We asked. You answered
‘OH, MY GOD,’ SHE SAID, gripping my hand, eyes wide and hopeful. ‘Can you please tell me... is this normal?’ I had met this woman 20 minutes ago, perched on a bar stool, and now she was whispering in my ear how often she wanted sex and what exactly she was looking for.
Telling someone who is three large white wines down that when it comes to sex, there’s no such thing as normal, and that as long as she feels safe, desired, and it’s all consensual (and, of course, legal), then she should absolutely pursue what she wants, is tricky. Particularly when yelling over Charli XCX booming out of the speakers and trying to catch the barman’s attention.
But I’m used to it... I’d say most of the people who work at Cosmopolitan are. As soon as the, ‘And what do you do?’ question comes up, there’s a high likelihood someone will bring sex into the chat. Cosmopolitan, as a brand, first started talking about sex openly and without shame in 1965. We were sex positive way before the phrase came into public consciousness, and we’ve carried on that way — we’re the brand known for having honest conversations about sex.
As a result, in my eight years working here, I’ve been quizzed about sex a lot. And the main thing people tend to want to know is: how often are other people having it? And... is it wild? They want, much like my new friend at the bar, to find something to compare themselves to. But the reality is that sex isn’t something you can just copy and paste. What turns on one person will be a major ick for another. What you like — and don’t like — also changes over time. For most of us, it isn’t simply a case of figuring out our sexual preferences and sticking to them, rigidly, for the rest of our lives. Of course, there will be common themes, but our sexual lives can ebb and flow. You could be having loads of sex and loving it, then something alters and it’s just not your priority any more.
Returning to the bar, I think I managed a vague double thumbs up (turning myself off entirely in the process) and yelled something along the lines of, ‘Crack on, as long as you’re having fun!’ before ordering myself a vodka tonic. If I’d been able to sit down and go into it, I would have wanted to tell her not to compare herself and instead, consider: ‘What does good sex look like for you, right now?’ Comparing ourselves, constantly, only results in us feeling ashamed of our own desires or feelings around sex (which could also include not wanting it at all).
Which is why we decided to dig into just that. Asking 2,000 of you to let us in on what good sex looks like for you. We then wanted to share your answers, not to further perpetuate this comparison culture trap that we are in, but, instead, to show the full breadth of other people’s experiences. You may see your thoughts reflected on these pages, or you may even get ideas of what to try, learning from what helps others feel confident in going after the sex they want. Or, you might just get a taste for what it’s like to be a Cosmo staffer and know an awful lot about the inner workings of other people’s sexual minds...
First things first: how often are you having sex?
As for the sex itself...
And, on average... 7% are having it daily, 25% two to three times per week, 16% once a week, 24% a few times per month, while 13% said less frequently and 15% not sexually active at all. Casual sex is also kinda dying out, it seems, based on the fact that 69% of you said it’s not something you do. Most had regular sex with people they knew (a friends- with-benefits situation), were in relationships, or just not looking for sex that actively.
But the odd one-night stand here and there is alive and well...
61% have had a one-night stand
39% haven’t
As for satisfaction levels...
Get lucky
So, what takes sex from good to great? Or from great to mind-blowing? When we asked what would improve your sex life, this is what you told us...
“Divorcing my husband.”
“To not feel guilty about not wanting it.”
“I’ve been single for 10 years and have lost my confidence to meet anyone.”
“I don’t know if my body is normal, I worry there’s something wrong with me.”
Health matters
Conditions that impact your sex life are very rarely spoken about... but our mental and physical health can have a huge knock-on impact. If you’re struggling, know you’re not alone, as so many people opened up about their own issues, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help from your doctor or another healthcare professional.
For sex to be better, I’d need...
“For my partner to find a solution to his erectile dysfunction.”
“Not to experience extreme pain during sex.”
“Healing. I was sexually assaulted, and I am still working through the effects of that. I need to trust someone a lot before I feel comfortable having sex with them. I want to be able to talk to my partner and be vulnerable — but guys my age just don’t have the emotional maturity.”
“More vocal in what I want and need, post-trauma. It is getting easier though; my partner is supportive and wonderful, I just can’t stay in the moment.”
When it comes to what people get wrong about my sex life, I wish people wouldn’t assume that...
“... I can orgasm every time.”
“... sex is needed to have a connected, close relationship.”
“... because I’m disabled, I don’t want a sex life.”
“... as a plus-sized woman, I don’t have a fun and active sex life.”
“... you have to orgasm for it to count.”
“... because I’m bisexual I can’t be in a monogamous heterosexual marriage, and that because of that I’m not really bisexual.”
“...it’s vanilla and boring as you get older — they couldn’t be more wrong.”
“...as a woman who dates men, I must like penetration. I don’t. It’s painful and uncomfortable.”
“...because I like BDSM, I must have trauma (I don’t) and that I must be looking for a traditional set-up (I’m not).”
“...I’m not a sexual person because I don’t have a lot of sex. I am, but I have high standards and can satisfy myself until I find the right person.”
“...men are hornier than women.”
Eat out to help out
We know how important oral is, for some, to achieve orgasm. But how often is it a part of sex?
As for orgasms, we’re having them...
The reasons?
“I don’t want my partner to feel bad.”
“If I’m not going to orgasm I just want it over with.”
“I want to go to sleep!”
We asked what defined good sex, you said...
75% when I feel connected to someone
62% when we both orgasm
48% when I feel respected
36% when I can tune into my own desires and pleasures
34% when it’s adventurous
29% when I orgasm
20% when someone focuses on me completely
91% said that just feeling pleasure is enough for it to be good sex
Let’s talk about sex... parties
It can be easy to think, considering their explosion in popularity, that everyone is at sex parties on a Saturday night... apart from you. But that isn’t necessarily the case. We found that:
What people love about sex parties...
“Everyone is on the same page.”
“Feeling that everyone was body confident. I felt sexy walking around in my underwear, having sex with my partner knowing that people were watching.”
“Having the freedom to try different things.”
“I liked all the sex happening around me and, at one point, to me. I liked how open everyone was about attraction. I like being half naked (in my costume) in public and feeling confident and free in my body.”
“The liberated attitudes with no strings.”
“The carefree approach. Everyone was there to have a good time and I didn’t feel judged on my appearance or the fact that I was there.”
What people don’t love about sex parties...
“I just found it... messy.”
“It was awkward. Like being at a bad party, but with the expectation of sex. The people weren’t sexy, the setting wasn’t sexy. I could tell a lot of people there were doing so as a last-ditch attempt to save their relationships and both partners didn’t seem happy or comfortable. I left feeling disappointed and sad.”
When it comes to open relationships...
84% prefer monogamy
25% say if the polyamory is consensual, great
24% worry about getting hurt
10% think polyamory has more pros than cons
What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?
“Learning to dominate my partner — it’s made me more assertive in what I want in my sex life.”
“Three different guys in 24 hours.”
“When I had a one-night stand with an Australian I’d just met in Thailand. It was so wild and it started on the balcony and went on til morning.”
“With my vibrator — it satisfies me more than any man has.”
“When I was travelling, I met two other travellers on a tour and during an overnight train journey we shared the same train cabin. There was no penetrative sex, but we didn’t need it. It was very empowering for me.”
“Probably my early encounters with my first girlfriend, spending hours in her bedroom.”
“When the sex starts long before we see each other — audio, written, and visual messages. Taking time to explore each other’s bodies from tip to top.”
“Having sex on the desk, with a view of The Shard, in sexy underwear. I felt amazing, naughty, and almost like another person. I forgot about everything that usually holds me back.”
“I went back to the guy’s place, we were on the balcony when he bent me over the hand rail and started right out there. Later we went back in, he ripped my clothes off, and we went all night.”
“Being eaten out while high.”
“Introducing ropes, restraints, and toys, such as feathers, floggers, and chains, which can be draped and dragged along the skin while blindfolded to heighten the senses, especially with sultry music in the background with my partner moving the toys in time to the music.”
“I pegged him for the first time and loved it.”
“Being with my current partner, as we’re both transgender and we understand each other so well. It’s validating and exciting.”
“Every time my boyfriend fingers me for a long time until I come.”
“My husband once gave me oral sex on the side of our bed and halfway through he put my vibrator wand on my clit. I then took over using it as he watched me. After a while, he went back to going down on me while the wand was still on my clit. I then had the best orgasm of my life. It was so intense I lifted off the bed.”
But for all that wildness, the key thing we learned is it’s less about the situation and more about the person...
“It was with a short-term thing, with someone I saw and slept with a few times and had a strong intellectual, as well as emotional and physical connection with.”
“My ex-partner and I nearly always had amazing sex because he knew what turned me on and how to make me climax and vice versa.”
“With a person who I have been in love with for 20 years.”
“I once met this guy randomly on the underground. He saw me shimmying away on the platform as I listened to my music. I was about to get on the train and he gave me his card. We had a date and then went back to his and the chemistry was incredible.”
“I think in my early 20s when I got back together with an ex, we just connected in a way that you don’t with one-night stands. We knew each other’s bodies and the orgasm was amazing, and I relaxed so much that I was able to physically come. He has been the only guy who I’ve been able to do that with...”
“The second time I had sex with my current partner. We’d been friends for 11 years, so we knew each other’s turn ons.”
“For me, sex is linked very closely with love, and I get most sexual pleasure when I love the person I’m with and it creates a feeling of closeness.”
“I had sex with a very high up member of the royal family.”
“With someone I’m insanely compatible with. We discuss our boundaries and desires and work well together.”
“Knowing I’m with my soulmate and the connection is palpable, seeing every emotion in your partner’s eyes and knowing you’re connected on every level. Every nerve cell is electrified, every emotion intensified. Then the phenomenal shared glow after.”
“I’m married... but I have had sex a few times with a famous rugby player who I’ve known for years. It’s secretive and thrilling, but I also trust him so much.”
“I love exploring kinks with my friend with benefits. Doing it with someone casual means inhibitions are lowered and anything goes.”
“I had a fling with my best guy friend after coming out of a long-term relationship. Being with a new body was exhilarating.”
“I once spent two days in an Airbnb with someone I met through work. We forgot our ‘real’ lives and spent 48 hours focused purely on ourselves, amazing sex, pleasing each other, trying new positions, communicating openly, and being honest about what we enjoyed.”
Catriona Innes is Commissioning Director at Cosmopolitan, you can follow her on Instagram
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