Go fish: Piranha 3D makes Saving Private Ryan look like an afternoon picnic
Piranha (AKA Piranha 3D) has to be one of the trashiest, sleaziest and unashamedly fun creature features of the last 20 years. It is lewd, bloody, proudly lowbrow and long overdue some appreciation.
Lake Victoria is prepping for spring break, the annual influx of boisterous young people who hit the water to drink, party and cause a general nuisance. Local sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) and Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) are run ragged by the huge crowds, but Forester has to escort a team of seismologists, led by Adam Scott, to a remote part of the lake.
Meanwhile, Forester’s son Jake (Steven R McQueen) is shirking his babysitter responsibilities in favour of an incredibly fortunate, fantasy summer job: location scouting for seedy, gonzo pornographer Derrick (Jerry O’Connell). Jake befriends models Danni (Kelly Brook) and Crystal (Riley Steele), and invites his best friend Kelly (Jessica Szohr) along for a spot of day drinking.
This is when those seismologists discover that an earthquake has opened up an ancient, hidden lake, and within it a brood of unevolved, hungry piranhas who do not need an invitation to make fish food out of the townsfolk.
French director Alexandre Aja burst into horror prominence with the savage High Tension, an early entry in the New French Extremity wave, following it up with a brutally nihilistic remake of The Hills Have Eyes. This put him in prime position to take Joe Dante’s original Piranha, itself a Jaws cash-in, and update it for a modern audience. Originally filmed as a 3D feature (a version sadly unavailable on streaming services), Piranha goes hog wild in its exploration of the format. It throws as much blood, guts and nudity on to the screen as possible; there is no bodily fluid left unslopped directly on to camera, no body part that can’t be exposed or bitten off.
One of Piranha’s crucial masterstrokes is its excellent cast. Shue, Rhames and Scott take things super seriously to ensure there are always some stakes involved, while Christopher Lloyd is having the time of his life as an exuberant fish expert, with a wired, manic energy that recalls his turn as Doc Brown in Back to the Future.
Although Piranha might best be described as rampantly unsubtle, one of its deftest skills is getting you to root for the fish. Aja populates the lake with hundreds of expendable kids and a raft of obnoxious, creepy sleazebags; and they don’t come much sleazier than O’Connell’s drug-snorting bully. There’s an element of pure, unbridled schadenfreude whenever anyone gets a big serve of karma – whether that’s being eaten alive, bisected by an industrial cable or mashed up by a boat propeller.
Related: Stop the horror snobbery! I just want my jump scares back
But it’s when the hangry fish begin their attack on the spring breakers that Piranha really pulls out all the stops. The disgustingly icky practical effects have aged like fine wine, the gruesomely over-the-top carnage managing to revolt and delight in equal measure. Spring breakers get munched, mangled and mutilated, until there are enough chewed-up, beach-strewn body parts to make Saving Private Ryan look like a Sunday afternoon picnic.
In an era where horror cinema seems ruled by “elevated horror”, Piranha is a refreshing throwback. There are no deeper meanings here, no examinations of grief or trauma. The only thing lurking beneath the surface is a school of ravenous, prehistoric piranha. That’s not intended as a slight on horror films with a message – only that sometimes all you need are some crude thrills, and to see a fish bite a man on the dick.
Piranha 3D is streaming on Netflix and Stan in Australia, Apple TV+ in the UK and Hoopla and Tubi in the US. For more recommendations of what to stream in Australia, click here
