Experts say the ‘grey rock’ method can keep you calm in stressful situations
If you’re on #TherapyTok, you might’ve heard of a buzzy new term circulating around: the grey rock method. But what you don’t know is you’ve likely already used this communication strategy in numerous conversations you’ve had before (in fact, likely too many to count).
POV: You’re stuck talking to a coworker who constantly gives backhanded compliments or low-key picks on you at work. It bugs you to no end and makes you feel insecure, so when you're stuck with them in the break room, you reply with 'yeahs' and 'nopes' until they get the hint to move on and chat up someone else. And there it is: you just grey rocked them.
The grey rock method can come in handy when you're dealing with everyday convos that are unpleasant or slightly irritating (like that coworker who repeatedly pushes your buttons). 'The grey rock method is all about brief contact, short responses, and not going to a place of openness and vulnerability with the person you’re engaging with,' says Kat Karasina, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Midwest Counseling. 'You’re basically saying, ‘I’m not interested or willing to get pulled into or influenced by your B.S.’'
You may have heard that the grey rock method can also be used to deal with manipulative people and in toxic relationships. However, the technique should be used sparingly when dealing with those who have narcissistic tendencies, says licensed psychologist Deborah Gilman, PhD.
Here's what you need to know about the grey rock method, when it's safe to use, and how it can help your mental well-being, according to psychologists.
Meet the experts: Deborah Gilman, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services. Kat Karasina, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist at Midwest Counseling.
What is the 'grey rock method'?
The meaning of this communication strategy is all in the name. 'The grey rock method involves becoming emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting,' Gilman says. 'You essentially act like a grey rock—bland and unengaged.' By not engaging fully, the goal is to disinterest the person you’re talking to, avoid sharing information you don’t want to disclose, and hopefully get yourself out of the conversation.
There are different variations of the grey rock method, depending on the situation you’re in and who you’re speaking with. Below, Gilman provides one scenario in which you could use this tactic, giving the example of an overly critical coworker who often tries to subtly put you down:
Colleague: 'Wow, I didn't expect you to get the promotion. Congratulations!'
You (grey rock): 'Thank you.' (You reply with a short, neutral response.)
Colleague: 'I mean, seriously, what a shock!'
You (grey rock): 'Thanks for your feedback.' (You say as you maintain a stoic expression and avoid eye contact.)
Although the grey rock method can be beneficial in certain situations, there hasn’t been much research yet behind its effectiveness. 'This isn’t a method that has been researched, taught in graduate education, or formal training,' Karasina says. 'However, that’s not to say the concept doesn’t have value.'
Benefits of the grey rock method
In some cases, the grey rock method may help protect you against unpleasant interactions and even manipulation (think: that person who corners you at a party, the negative coworker, or that one cousin who constantly picks on you at family reunions). 'There’s certainly value in not getting pulled into unhealthy interactions that contribute to a lot of unnecessary pain and stress,' says Karasina.
Being a 'grey rock' in these conversations can also help reduce conflict, which may have emotional payoff, says Gilman. 'Toxic people often thrive on getting a reaction, whether it’s anger, sadness, or frustration,' she explains. 'By staying emotionally neutral, you take away that satisfaction and that person might just lose interest in targeting you.'
Part of what has made the grey rock method so appealing and popular on social media is that it’s also potentially empowering—by deciding not to engage, you’re putting the unwanted situation you’re in back into your hands. It’s all about not giving that toxic person the power to dictate your emotions, and TBH, that’s powerful in and of itself.
Risks of the grey rock method
The grey rock method isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, and some situations may require different communication approaches, according to Gilman. Generally speaking, the grey rock method isn’t a long-term solution. Sorry to actual grey rocks, but no one wants to be a grey rock all the time—not only can it become mentally draining, but it can also fail to actually address the underlying issues in your relationship.
You should avoid using this method to maintain or tolerate any type of toxic relationship—especially if you’re worried for your safety, both Gilman and Karasina advise. 'Using the grey rock method may reinforce disconnection from your feelings and [prevent] a healthy expression of emotions, which is not a recipe for a healthy, stable relationship,' says Karasina. 'And if you’re in an abusive relationship, this technique could increase anger and aggression from that person, potentially leading to further harm.'
Like most things, the grey rock method is best when used in moderation. 'It’s not healthy or helpful to use this method in most relationships outside of those individuals who are truly not willing or able to engage in compassionate, healthy interpersonal patterns,' Karasina says.
How to try the grey rock method (and healthy alternatives)
If you want to test out the grey rock method with that one frustrating colleague or overly nosy friend, Gilman outlines four easy steps to become a boring ol’ grey rock. (Remember, if you’re dealing with a toxic, harmful, or even abusive person and are concerned for your safety, this may not be the best method. More on that, from the experts, below.)
Be a short and sweet talker. Keep your answers brief and factual—no emotions, no long explanations, and no justifications.
Eye contact? Not today. Limit your eye contact with the person to avoid seeming engaged. (Bonus points if you maintain a neutral, unreadable expression.)
Change the channel. Gently steer the conversation away from negativity and ask questions to help shift the focus to a different topic, allowing you to regain control of the interaction. (It might be basic, but asking something like, 'What’s the weather forecast for tomorrow?' is a great starter question to help redirect the conversation, says Gilman.) Remember, the ball is in your court!
Tune things out (when possible!). If it’s safe to do so, put some physical distance between you and the person. If you can’t physically move away or leave the room, try mentally detaching yourself by focusing on something else in your environment or repeating a calming mantra in your head.
Not feeling the grey rock method? You can also try these healthy alternatives, says Gilman:
Set boundaries. Clearly communicate what behavior you will and won’t tolerate.
Minimise your contact, if possible. This could mean limiting phone calls, social media interaction, and in-person encounters.
Express your needs using 'I' statements. (Example: 'I feel disrespected when you interrupt me constantly. I’d appreciate if you’d let me finish before speaking.')
Disarm and redirect. Calmly acknowledge what the person is saying to you, then try to politely redirect the conversation.
When to seek professional help
Sometimes, when dealing with difficult or uncomfortable situations, the grey rock method just doesn’t cut it. If you’re spotting red flags left and right or alarm bells are sounding off in every direction whenever you deal with a certain relationship, friendship, or professional connection, it’s worth seeking outside help. If you’re in a toxic relationship or are feeling unsafe, both Gilman and Karasina advise finding guidance and support from a licensed therapist. You can also search for local support groups for survivors of abuse or those dealing with difficult personalities, says Gilman.
Above all else, your safety always comes first. The free National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24 hours a day, all-year-round on: 0808 2000 247.
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