Experts say being nice is good for you. After two weeks of praising people I can feel the difference

When was the last time you paid someone a genuine compliment? I reckon I don’t do it nearly enough. And as I’d started the month with a serious case of the winter grumps, doling out spontaneous positive vibes and flattery was the furthest thing from my mind.

But, experts say, we should all praise and flatter other people more. Apparently, the simple act of spreading kindness through compliments can spark positive change in your life. Mindy Paul, a performance coach who helps people earn more, says: “The idea is about ensuring that every interaction leaves someone feeling better. Whether it’s a compliment, a kind word, or just showing gratitude, you’re giving them something valuable that could brighten their day. Radiating positivity and building others up will attract more of the same into your life, which will begin to shift in incredible ways, creating a ripple effect, bringing joy and opportunity back to you.”

Crikey. Well, I’d certainly like some of that to see me through the gloom of winter, but will doling out appreciative comments genuinely attract more luck, joy, cash and success into my life, or just make everyone think I’m a grovelling creep?

Of course, a bit of well-placed praise can work wonders. Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment” and I concur. In a world of performative “likes” on social media I certainly know how receiving a genuine compliment from someone I respect gives me a real boost. Telling people how great they are, on the other hand, doesn’t always feel comfortable, but for the next two weeks I’m determined to give it a good try.

The very next day, on spotting a neighbour in Tesco, I stroll over and say: “Oh I love your blue shirt! You look good in blue – you should wear it more often.” She eyes me suspiciously, sniffs and says, “I always wear blue”. The subject is swiftly changed, and I feel like I’ve committed a people-pleasing social faux pas.

Perhaps honesty is key. Our silver fox postman walks past in weather-inappropriate shorts, and I resist the urge to shout “Oi, sexy legs!” (we’re not in a 1970s Carry On movie, after all), instead opting for a safer “Nice hat!”. He grins and salutes, but that’s about it. No tidal wave of success and positivity is flowing my way thus far.

Unlike our American counterparts who, studies have found, give compliments far more frequently and with greater ease, we understated Brits are not so big on positive affirmation. I look for some advice. Lucy Williams, a portrait photographer friend who’s had plenty of practice complimenting strangers to put them at ease during shoots, says: “It can be hard for people to accept a compliment. So, when you give one, give a reason for it and be genuine – don’t gush. And remember, you must genuinely notice things and mean them.”

Noted. OK, so no more random flattery. And, as I soon discover, having an ulterior motive really doesn’t work either. Like when I tell my other half how brilliant he is at solving problems, but instead of offering to solve the problem of making me dinner, I’m treated to a half-hour run-down of all the ways he’s put his brilliant problem-solving skills to good use of late.

Compliments can go disastrously wrong, and I am the queen of ham-fisted attempts at flattery. I once gushed at someone that she didn’t look a day over 55, and it turned out she was 49. I mean well, but my mouth trips me up.

And the rules are hard to decode. If someone says,‘You look well”, do they mean it, or are they implying you’ve ballooned in weight? When someone praises my “lived-in” house do they mean it’s likeably idiosyncratic or a total pigsty? (I think I know the answer.) And compliments can be deceptively spiky – a fist of steel in a velvet glove. Someone once actually told me, “Oh, I love your eye make-up – it’s great to see you’ve made such an effort.” Ouch, talk about damning with faint praise! But then, is gushing “You look AMAZING!” at all and sundry any better?

Following Williams’ compliment-giving advice that specificity and sincerity are key, I tell my friend Sandy how much I love her sage green jumper, adding, “it really brings out the green of your eyes”. And I mean it. She beams with delight and sure enough, our subsequent conversation is deeper and more honest than it’s perhaps ever been – good vibes have indeed flowed between us. What is it about paying a genuine compliment that makes us feel good – both the giver and the receiver?

Psychologist Jess Baker says it’s very similar to what we call the “helper’s high” that occurs when we do something nice for others, which releases the feel good chemicals dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin in the brain. “Neuropsychological research has found evidence that suggests that when we’re acting with kindness, it yields many different benefits for the giver, creating positive relationships. Releasing oxytocin, for example, helps you to build bonds of trust and love.”

What’s more, according to a 2010 study at Mount Royal University in Calgary, compliments engender a sense of reciprocity – being “paid” a compliment actually makes us more compliant and want to do something in return.

But what about compliments for changing hearts and minds of people you don’t click with? Mindy says, “If you start focusing on the good about that person, you’ll start to see more positive things, and in making a positive comment you get back what you put out. But it’s vital to be sincere, be specific, smile and make eye contact.”

OK, here goes. At a business lunch I spot someone who is always a bit frosty whenever our paths cross. This time I look her straight in the eye, smile and sincerely comment that her recent change of hairstyle really looks great on her. She is slightly taken aback, but infinitely less frosty. During our brief chat, she admits that she hates networking and is glad to see a familiar face. And while we’re not yet best friends, she now connects with me regularly on LinkedIn. Coincidence? I think not. A new ally? I hope so.

It’s a miracle. How did that happen? “When you pay a compliment, your whole energy changes, and that impacts what you attract back,” Mindy says. “Other good opportunities will start happening to you, because you’ll be in a different frequency, magnetising yourself to other good things.” Er, right. This seems a bit far-fetched. “But it has to be sincere,” he warns. “Or the person will wonder what you’re after.” Well that I can believe. And as Mindy is known as the “$100 Million Dollar Coach”, perhaps he’s on to something.

It’s true that I often have positive thoughts about people that I never get round to sharing with them. And in sharing them, good things do happen. After attending a brilliant event at which a friend is a speaker, I call and tell her how great she was. I give specific details: “You made your subject really accessible – I understood it all.” I’m taken aback when she replies, “Honestly? I was having the worst ever week. Did I really do a good job?”. She is thrilled to know she did well, and a long heart-to-heart ensues. Before I know it, we’ve agreed to a mutually beneficial work collaboration that will make a significant difference to me and hopefully her. I’m guessing this is the kind of success Mindy is talking about. An opportunity presented itself that may never have arisen otherwise.

“In the Psychology of Persuasion, the classic book about influencing people, if I offer you something then you feel indebted to me, and it’s the same way with compliments – an authentic compliment makes you see me as a nice person, and you’re more prepared to do something for me if I ask you to,” says Baker. “It’s a win-win. But there’s always a fine balance with these things as to how we use it.”

So, how do I feel after two weeks of telling people how great they are? Pretty good, actually. All this positivity has lifted my mood and made me feel braver, more adventurous and sociable. I feel more supported and less solitary in my self-employed life. On social media, instead of lurking, I’m taking the time to praise great posts, and getting more positivity back in return. I’ve had a flurry of invitations and opportunities, filling my diary with social and networking events. It may be a coincidence, but I’ve even got considerably more work. No fame, dizzying success or huge bags of swag have come my way just yet, but it feels like the world is just that bit more abundant. Am I on drugs? No, I just like your smile.

We never know what kind of day another person is having and giving them a little boost costs you nothing. As your mum probably told you, “It’s nice to be nice” – and it might just reap rewards.

How to give effective compliments

Be sincere: “If the person receiving the compliment perceives you as inauthentic, because you’re clearly just schmoozing the room, they’ll think ‘What does this person want from me?’” says Jess Baker. So be sincere when you pay them a compliment.

Body language: “Smile and make eye contact when you pay a compliment, so the person really feels noticed and you connect fully with them,” says Mindy Paul.

Be specific: “It can be hard to accept a compliment. So, when you pay one, give a reason for it, like ‘That colour really suits you’ rather than gushing ‘Wow, look at YOU!’ You must genuinely notice things and mean them for the compliment to land,” says Lucy Williams.

Find the good: Connecting with someone you don’t automatically click with can be achieved with a well-placed compliment. Spot the good in them – how erudite they are, how brilliantly they handle rude people – then disarm them by commenting on it.