England v Spain: Which is best for food, history and culture?

You may, possibly, have heard. Today will see England and Spain contest the final of the Euro 2024 football tournament. So what better reason to compare the two countries, not just on football, but on their travel appeal: from history to food, coastline, music and wine?

The result, revealed below, is most certainly definitive, and wholly, factually, undeniably accurate. Probably.

Can it be used as part of an appeal to the International Court of Arbitration for Sport, should today’s outcome on the pitch be the “wrong” one? Let’s just get through the game first, shall we, and leave the lawyers to sort out the rest…

Beaches

Deciding this particular category on geography and maths alone does feel a little unfair.

After all, Spain has more coastline than England. Our Iberian friend has 3,575 miles of foam-flecked seafront, if you include Mallorca, Ibiza and the rest of the Balearic Islands, which we must. Oh, and Tenerife, Lanzarote and their Canarian colleagues.

Which we also have to because, well, they are Spanish. Even leaving aside the recent anti-tourism demonstrations on Mallorca and Tenerife, that is a great deal of scope for sun and sand.

England, by contrast, has some 2,748 miles of shore. But chucking the Isle of Wight into the equation isn’t going to offset the hard truth that Menorca is bigger and warmer.

True, there are some very splendid stretches of Anglo-coast – not just in venerated Devon and Cornwall, but along the lovely edges of Lincolnshire and Norfolk. Nonetheless, if it’s a choice between a rainy “summer” day in Cromer and a hot afternoon close to Pollenca, you will probably still be taking your chances with Juan, Ana and their furious placards.

Scenery

England, never let it not be said, does scenery on a widespread basis, and with a fair amount of drama. You have the Lake District; the surface of Windermere shimmering in the sunlight, on those days the sun deigns to come out. You have the Peak District, and its highlight Kinder Scout – which is not a term for a young man in an olive-green uniform who happens to be a little more genial than his fellow members of his pack, but the area’s highest point (2,087ft/636m). You have the low-lying waterways of the Norfolk Broads, the chalk hills of the South Downs, and the epic wildness of Dartmoor. All glorious stuff.

Then again, Spain is quite good when it comes to mountains. It co-parents the Pyrenees, and has full custody of the Picos de Europa, the Sierra Nevada and the Sierra de Tramontana. Tenerife is an actual volcano – although one you can hike up without worrying that your soles will melt on the way (Mount Teide’s last eruption was in 1909).

Hmmm, tricky. All right, let’s try an approach that this country hasn’t extended towards its European neighbours for the greater part of the last decade or so – and be diplomatic:

Music

Well, on the one hand you have…

The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Joy Division, Duran Duran, New Order, The Cure, The Smiths, The Stone Roses, Massive Attack, Portishead, Blur, Oasis, Pulp, Radiohead, Arctic Monkeys, Stormzy, Bananarama, All Saints, Girls Aloud. And Elgar.

On the other you have…

The blokes who wrote the Macarena. Now donchoo worry ‘bout my boyfriend. Indeed.

Art

Well, this is clearly going to be the same as the music category. Is there anything more English and artistic than The Hay Wain, John Constable’s 1821 – but eternally romantic – depiction of the Suffolk countryside? Or, perhaps, J.M.W. Turner’s encapsulation of the gloomy majesty of the Lake District in Morning amongst the Coniston Fells (1798)? Add in Damien Hirst and his diamond skulls, Tracey Emin and her provocative installations, and Banksy and his streetscape genius, and, yes, England has the whole art thing covered.

By contrast, Spain has almost nothing. Picasso was quite good. Joan Miro knocked out a few passable daubs. Salvador Dali is worth mentioning, at a push. Other than that, there’s nobody else who even knew one end of the brush from the other. Especially if you discount Diego Velazquez and Francisco Goya, and insist that, whatever his contribution to the Spanish Renaissance, El Greco was Greek, actually. I mean, it’s literally his name. Look, the whole country is a cultural wasteland. Let’s just spare its blushes and move on.

Wine

The fact that excellent, supple wines are now produced in English vineyards is solid evidence of either the giant leaps taken by the viticulturists of this island in the last few years – or the terrifying advance of global warming in the last 20. Or perhaps, simply, a little of both. However, it is probably safe to say that Spain is still leagues ahead when it comes to matters of the grape – in the Rioja region alone, which swarms over much of the north-east corner of the country in a haze of red and purple fruit. So much so, in fact, that not all Rioja comes from Rioja. Pardon? Well, yes. As keen oenophiles know, the Rioja Alavesa sub-region, which pumps out plenty of rich crianzas, is part of the Basque Country, rather than La Rioja. When we need to make such hair’s-breadth distinctions about the wines of Kent and Surrey, we’ll know that Vin Anglais has caught up. For now:

Food

This really is a matter of personal preference. Do you want a roast dinner on a Sunday afternoon in autumn – one where the beef is perfectly cooked, the Yorkshire Puddings are crisp but not too crisp, and the whole thing comes with a horseradish sauce of just the right piquancy? Do you want fish and chips on a seafront promenade on a grey Tuesday in March, where the batter is so delicious that you have to fight off seagulls with a stick?

Or would you prefer to do a tapas trail through the bars and cafes of a Spanish city (pintxos, if you are taking a gourmet tour of San Sebastian. Which you really should)? What about one of those platters of jamon y queso (“ham and cheese” sounds so much more alluring in Spanish) in one of those fabulous marketplaces which can be found in just about every town on the Spanish map? A few padron peppers as well? Yeah, go on.

Take your pick. Just make sure to keep your choice place-appropriate. A tapas tour of Carlisle may not be quite as tasty as a similar gastro-odyssey in Cadiz. Good luck getting through that giant roast dinner on a blazing hot day in Andalucia. Location is everything.

Cities

A lot of options to choose from here. Madrid is elegant and sophisticated. You can go to the Prado, or the Reina Sofia, and look at all the artists mentioned above. Seville, Granada and Cordoba all remember the Moorish era which left Andalucia with so many architectural treasures. Valencia is just fantastic, particularly when Las Fallas, its festival of sculpture, fire and madcap pyrotechnics is lighting up the March sky – but also in just about any other month, because it has a beach, and Playa de la Malvarrosa is marvellous.

But then, England’s cities have plenty to recommend them. Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol all have remarkable industrial heritage, and have all contributed to the musical list above. You haven’t lived until you’ve enjoyed a night out in Newcastle, and managed to survive it. And London is London, a global metropolis of infinite energy and possibilities.

How to distinguish between the two nations? Well, there have been anti-tourism protests in Barcelona this week, with a few churlish souls squirting water pistols at international visitors. That has to be worth a point off, no matter how astonishing the Sagrada Familia looks (Have you finished it yet? No? Righty-ho. Carry on). There is no way you would witness that sort of behaviour in London. Not with the latest water price rises, anyway…

Football

Never mind what happens on the pitch this evening. And never mind which of the two countries has won more trophies (erm, that would be Spain). It’s all about the stadium. If you are going to devote one valuable morning or afternoon out of a three-day city-break to wandering around a football ground in which no-one is playing football (very possibly causing your partner to reassess the future of your relationship in the process), then you need to make sure that the football ground in question has lots of shiny things to look at.

Which probably means either: a) The Camp Nou in Barcelona. A cathedral of the game which will hold over 100,000 souls once the latest improvement works are completed. Has lots of photos of Lionel Messi scoring all the goals. He played here. He was good.

Or b), the Santiago Bernabeu in Madrid. Home of the reigning European Champions Real Madrid – although they seem to be European Champions every other year, so this is nothing special. Still, you can look at the trophy. Lots of photos of Cristiano Ronaldo scoring all the goals. He played here. He was good. He has mentioned this once or twice.

Or c), Wembley Stadium. Bit of a schlep up the Jubilee Line, if it’s working that day. You won’t find too much club memorabilia, because this is the national stadium – although you may find a couple of bits about England winning the World Cup here, 809 years ago.

Final score: England 32 – 34 Spain

And if that ends up being the final score on Sunday evening (Harry Kane to score 27 of them, and still be criticised), there will end up being the sort of betting investigation that makes a few flutters on the date of a general election look like a children’s game of