Emotional cheating is more common than ever in the digital age—here’s how to handle it
When you hear the words 'cheating' or 'affair,' you probably imagine steamy sexual trysts. But there are multiple ways cheating can show up in a relationship, and it’s possible to break your partner’s trust and boundaries without even bringing sex into the equation—namely, through emotional cheating. While some believe this form of infidelity is no big deal or perhaps not infidelity at all, the truth remains that it can often cause an immense amount of pain and harm in a relationship.
In general, infidelity means going outside of the exclusivity agreements of your relationship, although its definition is subjective and can vary from couple to couple. Typically, cheating 'involves following an attraction that transcends mere platonic connection, leading to deeper emotional or intimate involvement outside the established boundaries of the partnership,' says Benu Lahiry, LMFT, a couples therapist and chief clinical officer at Ours, a virtual couples therapy platform.
Because emotions themselves are subjective, emotional cheating can be subjective, too. It’s highly dependent on a couple’s boundaries, relationship structure, and definitions of fidelity and intimacy. 'While some would question whether or not [this behavior] constitutes cheating, the emotions involved are powerful enough to compromise your feelings for your current partner,' says Michelle Leno, PhD, a psychologist based in Detroit.
What is emotional cheating?
Simply, 'emotional cheating is cheating without becoming physically involved,' says Leno. This often looks like developing intense or romantic feelings outside of the bounds of a relationship, adds Lahiry.
In the digital age, this form of infidelity comes up more often and can be more subtle, according to Lahiry. This is 'because we have so many more outlets for emotional cheating, such as social media and text and messenger platforms,' she says. 'Before, emotional cheating required a more active engagement: You met someone in person, and there was a spark, an energy, or initial attraction in the moment.' Now, it’s easier than ever to connect with someone online, or get gratification from text conversations or Instagram DMs, she explains.
Emotional cheating can also be a slippery slope. 'It may not start maliciously or intentionally, but it can spiral into vulnerability, the development of feelings, and a betrayal of trust,' says Lahiry.
Because emotional cheating is rooted in romantic feelings, it's important to note that intimate platonic connections aren't a form of infidelity. For example, if your partner is constantly accusing you of emotionally cheating because you have a close friend or because other people are meeting your emotional needs—which is natural and healthy—then it may be a deeper problem of jealousy, control, or an insecure attachment style.
'It's vital to remember that one person cannot fulfil our every need. So it is essential to have meaningful and appropriate relationships with people outside our primary one,' says Audrey Schoen, LMFT, a therapist based in California. 'However, it's when the nature of those relationships starts to undermine and erode the bond with our primary partner that we start venturing into emotional cheating.'
What are some signs that I'm emotionally cheating?
Again, there's nothing wrong with fostering other close bonds with people while you're in a relationship. But if you're engaging in a lot of the signs below, you might be hurting your relationship.
1. You feel the need to hide your communication content or frequency from your partner.
Any kind of dishonesty or urge to be dishonest is a primary sign that you are going outside the boundaries of your relationship. Healthy relationships, whether monogamous or polyamorous, require honesty to function. When you feel yourself wanting to be dishonest or lying to your partner, it’s time to reflect.
'If you’re withholding information from or being evasive with your partner, wanting more from this new engagement and not stopping it, or taking time out of your day or priorities for this other person, something is likely brewing,' Lahiry says.
An exception here, however, is if you’re in an unsafe or abusive relationship, says Emily Hu, PhD, a therapist based in California. In these cases, you might feel the need to hide interactions with others from your partner 'in order to gain more support, keep yourself safe, and/or plan how to leave the relationship,' she explains.
2. You’re withholding time and energy from your partner and giving it to someone else.
Relationships require an investment of time and energy, and if you find yourself giving that to someone else that’s not your partner—especially after they’ve pointed out the difference and asked for that investment—then you might be embroiled in an emotional affair. In polyamorous relationships, this can look very similar: One partner might expect a level of quality time from you, and you might instead pour that into one or more of your other partners.
But simply feeling excited about a new person doesn’t automatically mean you’re emotionally cheating. Lahiry says it’s a pretty normal occurrence to 'find excitement and energy in an exchange with someone that you haven’t tapped into or felt in a long time within your relationship.'
Maybe you’re in a monogamous relationship and forming a new platonic friendship with someone who shares some of your niche hobbies; or maybe, you’re polyamorous and enjoying the honeymoon phase with a new love interest. However, this becomes harmful if you stop communicating with your partner, and find yourself checking out of the relationship.
3. You find yourself comparing your partner to another person.
Everyone deserves to be appreciated for who they are. If you find yourself comparing your partner to another person frequently, it’s time to question whether you need to change your behaviours or perhaps end your relationship, says Hu.
4. You’re avoiding or trying to run away from your relationship.
Most emotional affairs have an element of compulsivity (meaning you feel like you can’t stop), because they’re a form of avoidance, says Brian Tierney, PhD, a couples therapist based in California. While your feelings for the other person may very well be genuine, the need to act on them with secrecy or to avoid your partner while doing so can stem from the temporary relief you are getting through avoidance.
'If you search yourself and find that you are regularly avoiding something in your primary love bond by escaping into [another] relationship you are evaluating, it is a strong sign that you are emotionally cheating,' Tierney says.
5. You’re prioritising someone else’s needs over your partner’s.
This is related to an investment of time and energy, but can also go deeper than that. When your partner’s needs or wellbeing is no longer your primary concern, but someone else’s needs are, it’s a sure sign that you’re being unfair in your relationship.
For instance, if your partner asks you to attend a difficult family event, but the other person you are involved with needs your support on the same day, choosing someone besides your partner would most likely be a violation of the trust and expectations they had of you. 'Emotional cheating is a costly [distraction] that drains the emotional investment of the cheater out of primary relationships, leaving partners with feelings of confusion and abandonment,' says Tierney.
6. You’re developing or expressing romantic feelings toward someone other than your primary partner.
Lastly, the most obvious sign of emotional cheating is romance. If you find yourself building a romantic connection outside of your partnership, having frequent fantasies about another person, or even telling this other person how you feel, you might be emotionally cheating.
In polyamorous relationships, this can still exist—although most poly people agree that restrictions on or guilt-tripping around feelings can be unhealthy. 'The key to navigating the potential for emotional cheating when exploring polyamory is to understand that polyamorous relationships involve consent from all parties,' says Hu. 'If one person who is involved in the network is not consenting [or] aware of what is happening, then you are not going about this ethically.'
What are some signs my partner might be emotionally cheating on me?
First off, a caveat: If one of the below signs resonates, try not to spiral. While these can be signs of emotional cheating, they could also signal that your partner is going through a difficult time, you're having a communication problem, or you have different ideas of what boundaries in a relationship should be. 'Don't jump to conclusions,' Hu says. 'People are raised with different ideas about privacy and boundaries, so sometimes getting pushback from your partner simply indicates that you've brushed up against one of their personal boundaries.'
Still, the following signs might be indications that something’s up:
1. You notice a change in your partner’s behaviour towards you.
Again, make sure that you’re not projecting or just feeling anxious before you take this one as a sign. But there are often changes that signify something different in the relationship, especially 'a gradual shift in the pattern of how your partner shares their inner experience with you,' says Tierney.
'They may start to withdraw or just feel more distant. It feels like their mind is always somewhere else,' Hu adds. 'They may act in suspicious ways, such as by keeping their phone with them all the time or giving you just the superficial descriptions of what happened at work or when they went out with that friend.'
2. Your partner won’t communicate with you.
If you’re asking your partner about the state of your relationship—including any changes in their behaviour—and they refuse to communicate with you, this may be a sign that they’re emotionally cheating.
'Refusing to help you understand what’s going on or denying their changed behavior could be a sign of something deeper,' says Lahiry. 'Your partner may not be emotionally cheating, but your relationship could be in jeopardy if you’re out of sync and can’t discuss what’s wrong.'
3. They get defensive about the other relationship.
If any of your attempts to discuss the other relationship devolve into communication shutdowns, anger, gaslighting, or other forms of defensiveness, there might be reason to believe that infidelity is occurring, both Tierney and Hu say.
In some cases, however, your partner might not be intentionally lying to you if they deny something’s up. 'Sometimes, one partner may not even be aware that what they're doing is emotional cheating; it's often hard to see the forest when you're deep in the trees,' Hu says.
Your partner could also feel like you’re controlling them or trying to unhealthily dictate the bounds of their other relationships, so make sure this isn’t the case before you decide on next steps.
Can a relationship survive emotional cheating?
If you suspect that your partner might be emotionally cheating—or you worry you’re the one having an emotional affair—it’s important to remember that it will take both of you to address it. 'Relationships take two, and emotional infidelity is often a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship dynamic that will require work on both sides to address,' says Schoen.
If you decide to confront your partner, it's best to have a direct conversation versus a passive-aggressive one, says Leno. And if you leave the conversation still feeling unsettled, try couples therapy.
If you are the one having the emotional affair, you need to decide if you want to invest your energy into your partner or not. Whatever you do, you have to make a decision. Leaving people in limbo and giving them less than what they deserve isn’t fair to either of you, says Hu. You can choose to leave and let your partner be happy with someone else, or stay and work on repairing your relationship.
There are many who might choose to ignore emotional cheating or see it as harmless, especially compared to sexual infidelity—but no matter whether you’re the cheating party or the faithful person, it’s important to remember that emotional cheating is often a symptom of something gone wrong in the relationship. 'Emotional cheating is often born out of difficulties and unmet needs in the primary relationship,' says Hu. So, by ignoring it, you risk making the issues worse by letting them fester.
In fact, discovering an emotional affair can possibly be an opportunity for growth in your relationship. 'I’ve worked with couples recovering from a betrayal of trust, or cheating, who were saved by what happened to them because it alerted them to how far they’ve strayed from where they want to be and how much work they actually need to do to keep their relationship alive and healthy,' says Lahiry.
But sometimes, an emotional affair is the confirmation you need that it’s time to walk away. You deserve to feel loved and secure, and your partner should be giving you that.
Meet the Experts: Benu Lahiry, LMFT, is a couples therapist and chief clinical officer at Ours, a virtual couples therapy platform. Michelle Leno, PhD, is a psychologist based in Detroit. Audrey Schoen, LMFT, is a therapist based in California. Emily Hu, PhD, is a therapist based in California. Brian Tierney, PhD, is a couples therapist based in California.
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