Eight ways that Wanderlust got midlife sex completely wrong
The BBC/Netflix co-production Wanderlust has been dubbed TV’s sexiest ever drama, though on the basis of last night’s episode this is only true in the literal sense of the scene set in a local swimming pool. Far from being ground-breaking, it ticks all the usual TV tropes most recently showcased by Dr Foster – improbably nice kitchen, check; unusually young-looking parents of teenagers/adults, check; chief protagonists working as a doctor or teacher, check.
It examines the sex life, or the initial lack of it, of a married couple Alan and Joy, played by Steven Mackintosh and Toni Collette. But is it a true reflection of the realities of middle-aged, middle-class sex in a long-time relationship? Not that I can speak for all of us in that demographic, but there are many incidents that bear as much resemblance to the reality of my world and that of my friends as the latest Marvel Avengers movie.
1. Toni Collette didn't have any body issues
She can have a whole conversation standing in a swimming costume without running to grab a towel or floaty kaftan. She doesn’t even bother to cross her arms ineffectually. She’s similarly open when sporting the scratchysexy undies she’s bought for seduction. Mind you, if I had her body then I’d probably be as relaxed but this comes after we see a conversation with her GP where says she does no exercise bar gentle cycling. The few women I know with such taut bodies are engaged in a daily regime of Barry’s Boot Camp and personal training that David Beckham would baulk at. None of these women work or have a family.
2. Looking into your other halves eyes.
The married couple at the centre of it, Paul and Joy, attempt to initiate sex after a drought by stripping off slowly in front of each other with all the lights on and much eye-gazing. It doesn’t work because why would it? Get in bed, fumble, job done. No married couple wants to make it any longer than it needs to be.
3. No-one has a work day 'lie-in'
When sex doesn't happen Joy decides to seek pleasure elsewhere, namely with her own fair hand first thing in the morning before being interrupted by her teenage son wanting to know where his shoes have got to. Part of this scene is very realistic indeed but it’s not the bit happening under the duvet. It’s breakfast, damn it, it’s time for putting a wash on, shouting and looking for lost keys. In Joy’s case, it’s also time for giving yourself an impressive blow-dry. But weekday morning masturbation? Not a chance.
4). Her son doesn't get teased
When the son mentions to his friends that awkward morning moment with mum (see above) , none of them comment about how fit she is. Teenagers would definitely make a ‘your muvva’ joke at this point.
5) Joy mistakes perving for flirting
In recovery from a bicycle accident, Joy attends a hydrotherapy session in her local pool. It starts off authentically when someone wees in the water, but then veers into fantasy when a handsome man starts checking her out and throwing flirtatious glances across the cracked tiles. At this point, the four decades worth of perv-alert that all women develop by her age would be sounding like a klaxon, but Joy flirts back.
6.And then takes it even further
Rather than avoiding the swimming pool creep for the rest of her life she goes back to hydrotherapy session number two where the lascivious looks continue. She can’t call the police on him (because, of course, he is the police, the third profession to reliably feature in TV dramas), so instead she gets into both his car and invites him into her therapist’s shed to finish off the job that her son had interrupted the week before.
7. Who uses catalogues any more?
Everybody is at it on the self-pleasuring front, including one of Alan’s colleagues at school who does it over a Damart shopping catalogue in the English Department office. This would never happen in the days of online porn - and online shopping come to think of it. It is not 1976. Disconcertingly he’s also played by the actor who was last seen as the Dowager Countess’s butler in Downton Abbey. Maybe teachers do engage in this sort of behaviour at work, but Spratt never would.
8. Nobody thinks having an affair would be exhausting
After both Joy and Alan stray and subsequently confess, she says they should do it more often with other people to spice up their lives. The women I know are too tired to want an affair on top of a marriage. In fact, most of them are too tired to even watch sex on TV. Actually, just sitting down in front of Wanderlust left me exhausted.
