This word is the ‘key’ to being treated well in France, experts say
If there’s one thing Parisians want tourists to know before millions of people descend on their city for the Olympics, it’s a simple, seven-letter word.
“Bonjour.”
Knowing how to say “hello” in French might seem like a no-brainer, but experts say it’s the essential first step if you want to make a good impression. Take it from a former US expat who lived there.
“If you’re going to France and you don’t start off all your interactions with ‘bonjour,’ you may be in for a little bit of a rude awakening,” says Elisabeth Guenette, who regularly shares language tips and cultural insights from her time teaching both in France and in the US with her 150,000-plus followers on social media.
And the locals back her up. Asking for help? While “excuse me” might be an acceptable way to get someone’s attention in the US, in France it would be considered overly abrupt and rude.
“Starting with ‘bonjour’ will already drastically change your experience,’ Guenette says. “That is the No. 1 rule.”
And that rule applies whether you’re checking into a hotel, buying a baguette or making a restaurant reservation, says Countess Marie de Tilly, a French etiquette coach whose clients include brands like Chanel and Cartier.
“If you don’t say ‘bonjour,’” de Tilly explains, restaurant staff “won’t work too hard to book a table for you. It’s the key.”
Guenette says the same expectation applies if you’re simply walking into a store, even if you’re just casually browsing for souvenirs and not necessarily looking for help from the staff.
“This is a difference with American culture,” says Guenette. In France, “any store where you walk in and you can see the people who work there, you need to greet them.”
The differences don’t stop there. Here’s what else you need to know to save yourself from making a major faux pas in France.
French 101
Just like “hello” is essential for starting off on the right foot, knowing how to say goodbye is equally important. That’s “au revoir,” but if you want to switch it up, you could also say “bonne journée” (Have a nice day) or “bonne soirée” (Have a good night) if it’s evening.
Speaking a few words in French can go a long way, Guenette says.
“Knowing a tiny bit of French to begin your conversations shows that you are respecting their culture,” she says.
Three words she suggests learning: “Parlez-vous anglais?” (Do you speak English?)
“They most likely will speak English,” she says, but it’s important not to assume.
Be willing to try to speak in French, even if you might make a mistake, says Marie de Tilly.
“It’s exactly the same when I go to the US… I can try to speak English,” she says.
So, if you’re willing to try to speak French, here are few more terms to know:
S’il vous plaît: Please
Merci: Thank you
Pardon/Excusez-moi: Excuse me
It’s not about perfect pronunciation, but rather about showing respect for the country you’re visiting, de Tilly says.
“People want to see that you make an effort.”
Café culture
In a country renowned for its cuisine, “meals are sacred,” Guenette says.
While taking 15 or 20 minutes to eat a quick meal is fairly common in the US, that’s not typically the case in France, where historically it’s been illegal to eat your lunch at your desk.
Instead, workers often take advantage of the “formule du jour,” a two- or three-course meal deal advertised on chalkboards outside of countless Paris bistros.
“Meals are a precious time, and they take time,” Guennette explains. Your meal “is going to take more than just half an hour and they’re not going to be rushing things to you.”
Service also looks different in France, Guenette says.
“The waiter will not be regularly coming over to your table” to ask how everything is. “You have to very much make eye contact or signal to them to let them know you want them to come to you,” she says.
And France’s tipping culture reflects that. Tips are appreciated, but generally not expected.
“There’s no additional motivation for them to win you over,” Guenette says. “They expect to be treated like a person, and they’re going to treat you like a person.”
If you have the time for a sitdown meal, Guenette highly recommends eating at one of Paris’ iconic sidewalk cafés. Unless a table has a reserved sign or already has cutlery on it, in most cases you can seat yourself. Otherwise, you’ll want to walk inside and ask the staff for a table, Guennette says.
“And yes, you do sit next to each other,” she explains. As opposed to being seated across the table from your companion, this way, everyone can face the street and participate in another quintessentially Parisian pastime: people-watching.
“That is something I always recommend when people go to France: Just sit and relax,” she says. “Even if you don’t have that much time, take an hour because that is the true French experience.”
But during the Olympics, securing a coveted reservation is likely to be a bit more complicated. Since the crowds of tourists will be even bigger than usual this summer, Marie de Tilly recommends booking a table in advance if there’s a specific restaurant or rooftop bar you’re hoping to visit. De Tilly also notes that mealtimes are another area where France diverges from the US: Dinner service usually doesn’t start until 7 p.m.
Table manners
As an etiquette coach, observing other people is a big part of de Tilly’s job – and there’s one trend that seriously concerns her.
“I’m very surprised to see young foreigners that don’t know how to use a fork and a knife,” she says. “When you go to a nice restaurant in Paris, it’s awful to see that.”
It’s important to have basic knowledge of the local culture and its traditions, de Tilly says – like the fact that foods you might be used to eating with your hands, such as hamburgers and pizza, are commonly eaten with a fork and knife in France.
If you don’t want to attract unwanted attention in a restaurant, there are a few more things you can try to blend in.
“Every country you go to will have a different standard of volume for conversation,” Guenette says. “France is definitely on the lower end.”
If you speak too loudly in a public place, whether a restaurant, a museum or the Metro, “you will get looks,” she says.
Guenette learned this the hard way years ago, when she was at a particularly boisterous dinner with fellow teachers from the US and the UK.
“All of a sudden, we hear ‘clink clink clink,’” from another table, she recalls, as if for a Champagne toast. Instead, what they heard in the silence that followed was an audible sigh of relief from a Frenchwoman across the restaurant.
“I was embarrassed,” Guenette says. “I am in somebody else’s ‘house,’ somebody else’s culture, and there are things I can do to show respect for the fact that this does not belong to me.”
One more way to show your respect: If you’re wearing a hat, take it off before you go inside, Guenette says.
“Historically America used to be like this, too, but times have changed,” she points out.
Polite company
Expressing curiosity is a simple way to show your appreciation for the culture of the country you’re visiting, especially as a first-time visitor, Marie de Tilly says.
“It’s very important to ask some questions … to show respect and show your interest,” de Tilly says. “What is very important and elegant is to ask people, what are the traditions?”
So, even if you have a fully planned itinerary for your trip or have an idea of which wine you want to order with dinner, don’t be afraid to ask locals for their advice. You might end up discovering a museum off the beaten path or a new favorite wine pairing.
Personal questions, however, are frowned upon – even ones that might seem standard in your home country.
“If you are around my table for example [and] we are invited to the same dinner, I will not ask for the first time, ‘Are you married? Do you have children?’” de Tilly says.
Similarly, you won’t want to go right in for the classic cheek kiss, or bises, if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, Guenette says. That’s reserved for friends and friends of friends. If you don’t know someone personally, say “Enchanté” (Nice to meet you) and introduce yourself.
“Definitely don’t go to a restaurant and do the bises to your waiter,” she says. “That would be very inappropriate.”
Also inappropriate? Discussing politics at the dinner table – especially after the country’s recent elections.
“It’s really touchy because there’s two extremes, the right and the left,” de Tilly says.
Blending in
If you don’t want to stick out, here are a few more things to keep in mind.
When you’re taking the Metro to get around the city, hold onto your ticket as proof of purchase until you’ve exited the Metro station at your destination, Guenette says. If you lose it, you may be on the hook for a big fine. According to the official website for public transport in Paris, getting caught without your Metro ticket could cost you up to 100 euros ($109) on top of what you already paid in the first place.
If you want to make things a bit easier on yourself, Metro passes are also available for purchase and may save you some money.
Next, eating on the go isn’t widely accepted.
“You’ll stick out,” Guennette says.
So if you decide to buy a homemade sandwich from a food stall in one of Paris’ covered markets, resist the temptation to dig in while walking to your next destination. Instead, find a spot to sit down away from the city’s bustling sidewalks – for example, a bench in the quiet Square du Temple - Elie Wiesel, the rolling hills of the Parc des Buttes-Chaumont, or the banks of the Canal Saint-Martin.
The same goes for lugging around a big water bottle.
“It’s not common,” Guenette says. “And it’s usually tourists” who do it.
But standing out doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, Guenette says.
“Do whatever you want, just be aware that if you do this thing, people will know that you’re a tourist,” she says. “And sometimes, who cares?”
Fact vs. fiction: Are the French actually rude?
Born into one of the oldest families in French aristocracy, de Tilly is an expert on savoir-vivre, or good manners. By her own definition, that means understanding how to coexist with people around you, no matter how different or similar you may be – and she’s made it her mission to teach foreigners and the French alike how to do just that.
Etiquette, however, is about much more than “please” and “thank you” in de Tilly’s eyes. One of her areas of expertise is training employees of luxury brands on how to receive customers in their stores.
“When you come for the first time into Chanel, even if you don’t have money… you have the right to a good welcome,” she says.
In the same spirit, de Tilly says she hopes the French will give a warm welcome to tourists in town for the Olympics, even though locals complained when Paris was first selected to host the Games.
“We said it could be awful for traffic,” she says. “I’m living in the center of Paris, and you can’t imagine the mess.”
But now, she says Parisians see that their city is ready for its moment on the world stage. She’s even looking for tickets herself.
“I hope with all my heart that it will be a success,” she says. “We need it now because the mindset for French people is very difficult because of all the politics.”
In Guenette’s experience, the stereotype of the rude Parisian is an exaggeration.
“A lot of it comes down to not having a common societal understanding of the politeness expectations,” she says. “If you are able to go into these situations understanding what their expectations are, people are much more willing to engage with you.”
She points out that most people don’t take kindly to rudeness, no matter where you’re from.
“If they feel like you’re being rude to them, it makes sense that they are then going to kind of reciprocate that,” she says.
Ultimately, de Tilly says, French people are proud of their culture – and that pride can sometimes be taken for arrogance.
“French people love their way of life,” she says. “And I think it’s so important that people come to France to see that.”
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