Divorced Women Anonymously Revealed The "Hard Realities" Of Marriage That No One Talks About, And It's Gut-Wrenching

A while back, we wrote a post where divorced women shared the "hardest realities" of marriage that no one talks about. In the comments, even more women shared their perspectives and lessons from their previous marriages. Here's what they had to say:

1."Losing your individuality and accepting a 'new' identity. Women are still pressured to take on the spouse’s last name — whether it suits them or not. Especially when kids enter the picture, your identity changes to 'wife,' 'mom,' 'cook,' 'cleaner,' 'shopper,' 'household organizer,' 'caregiver,' 'nurse,' and 'therapist.' You take on all these new roles with zero pay and no appreciation because it is expected of you."

"When I separated from my spouse of 15 years, I gained one task — taking out the garbage, which took seven minutes a week. On the flip side, I saved one to two days of chores per week, not having to cook/clean/organize after him. Most importantly, I gained peace of mind and my own identity back."

—Anonymous, 54, California

2."The loneliness. I learned about his likes and dislikes, his children's likes and dislikes, and everyone's needs. I planned and executed holiday get-togethers and birthdays, worked on his projects with him, and accompanied him to his doctor appointments and family and community activities. Almost none of this attention and care was returned."

"Not only that, but he was angry if I spent time on my health, with my friends, enjoying my hobbies — everything had to revolve around him, and he was constantly singing his own praises about what a good partner he was."

—Anonymous, 56, New York

3."Nobody tells you how quickly the years pass: Two incomes, demanding jobs, raising kids through college, aging parents, and health problems. There was never the ‘right time’ to leave my drug-/porn-addicted spouse who struggled with alcoholism, and now it’s too late. There's nobody to blame but myself — a bitter pill to swallow."

—Anonymous, 70, Texas

4."When you grow and change mentally and emotionally throughout life while your husband remains the same."

—Anonymous, 45, Florida

5."Discovering that you have been unofficially designated the role of the primary emotional caretaker in the relationship, providing support and managing your husband's emotional needs, which can be taxing."

—Anonymous, 45, Florida

6."Expectation of sex. It becomes expected. The spontaneity and emotional part of it disappears. It becomes a rote act."

—Anonymous, 57, Arkansas

"His constant demands for sex even after I turned 65. He needed constant validation via sex. I have little interest in sex. Boring, same old, same old hookups. He ignored my requests for romance, excitement, and trying new things. He should've been married to a blow-up doll."

—Anonymous, 65, Virginia

7."Joint decision-making is tough when you have been on your own. It often feels like a compromise or a loss of control over your life."

—Anonymous, 45, Florida

8."The inherent sexism and expectations that still exist for married women. My husband approached marriage as continuing his single life with a side of wife and kids to enhance the fun. As a woman, I was trained to focus on the larger 'we' or family unit. My husband shined as the golden boy while I became exhausted and mean with all the invisible/domestic labor."

"My family won't openly express it, but I suspect they find me unreasonable for expecting my spouse to be proactive or carry his weight when dealing with chores, taking care of kids, managing the household, etc. Men are still applauded for doing the bare minimum."

—Anonymous, 45, USA

9."Being excluded from your spouse's life. He never introduced his friends to me. When he visited his family in another state, he didn't want me to go as they were his family. I take pride in my house and yard. He took credit for everything I did — even telling the neighbors he wished I would help pay for upgrades on the house. He always told me he never had money to repair things."

"After a bad auto accident that left him with a broken neck, I found loads of proof that he had been cheating. Addicted to pornography. A narcissist. The man died two and a half years after his accident. I still don't miss him."

—Anonymous, 78, Utah

10."The whole 'in sickness and in health' part. What if it's both mental and physical illness that your partner does everything in their power to exacerbate? He refused to take his medication for bipolar disorder, take insulin, or modify his diet for type 2 diabetes. He was having delusions, abusing me for the things he was imagining I was doing in those delusions, and claiming he was starting to lose his eyesight."

"He's now my ex."

—Anonymous, 54, Nevada

11."My soon-to-be ex-husband is super liberal (I'm an independent) and is always vocal about women's rights, which I love. BUT like many other husbands, when asked to help around the house or with our kid, he would pout or become passive-aggressive. I asked him why this was, and he said it was because I pressured him too much??? I decided to do an experiment and NOT ask him to do anything for about a month to see what happened, and literally, nothing he was supposed to do got done — not even his bills. I politely confronted him again (because I was told that the issue was also how I approached him about these things), and he told me (AGAIN) that it was because I pressured him too much."

"I brought up that I didn't ask him to do anything for about a month on purpose to see what happened and politely pointed out that he didn't do any of his responsibilities, i.e., his bills, and he said he didn't pay his bills because he didn't like where I put the filing cabinet. So, it turns out I can't ask him to do anything because that means I'm pressuring him too much, and I also can't NOT ask him to do anything because then things don't get done at all. It then occurred to me that everything is my fault all the time — not just with this but with our kiddo, our families, and his health (or lack thereof). Needless to say, we're separated. I love these men who 'fight for women's rights,' but secretly, deep down, think women are below men."

—Anonymous, 49, Arizona

12."This is probably not for everyone, but lack of independence. We did not have kids, but with my ex, I couldn't have time for myself. Or, if I did do something without him, he would get jealous or make me feel bad. It made me feel like I could no longer be myself or have time for my own interests."

—Anonymous, 31, Tennessee

13."It's hard to keep a marriage going for a lifetime when you never truly know who your spouse will become."

14."Whatever character a person has when they are younger, they become 'more' of that as they age. A little bit selfish and narcissistic? Full-blown narcissist by 40. People pleaser who never says no? Overwhelmed, exhausted, and disillusioned by 40. We marry the person we love, but we ignore the small red flags, not realizing they will be big enough one day to break the marriage in half."

"It's hard to keep a marriage going for a lifetime when you never truly know who they will become."

—Anonymous, 43, South Carolina

15."One of the hardest things about marriage that no one talks about is maintaining your own identity within your relationship. I always thought that once I got married, everything would be about us as a unit, but as I got further into my marriage, I realized that I was losing myself a little bit. I was so caught up in my role as a partner that I forgot to prioritize my needs, friendships, and goals. While it's essential to be a united front with your partner, sometimes it's hard to remember that you can have a life outside of your marriage and that your identity is still so important."

"I wish I learned that sooner my marriage, but eventually, I realized that in my situation, it was impossible for me to have my own identity. Now, I'm happy and thriving as a divorced woman."

—Anonymous, 46, USA

16."Most men see us as their mother, not the co-parent in the home. We parent, they babysit. There's an unattainably high bar for women and ridiculously low expectations placed on fathers. Also, they get to walk away and regain their previous single life — we don’t get to do that."

—Anonymous, 52, UK

And finally...

17."I once heard someone say, 'People change and forget to tell each other.' When I married my ex, we were so close and loved and supported one another…he made me laugh. But life changes, and so do we. As you get older, things like having kids, losing your parents, and financial burdens take their toll. The hardest part for me was constantly feeling like everything I did was not enough."

"I took care of it all — the kids and their busy lives, the huge, beautiful home we restored, the pets, the meals, the shopping, the running around — and yet…I never got a paycheck for all that labor. I had no financial autonomy, and he made me believe we were disastrously broke (we weren't — he was). I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted for many years, and he pretended not to see it or care at all. When I tried to talk about it, he became angry. He refused the therapy sessions I arranged for us. He said I spent too much. I didn't earn enough. I didn't have enough sex with him. One day, I discovered he was lying to me, and that's when I broke. I couldn't do it anymore. It was years later, after my divorce, that I found out he was having an affair with my best friend of 30 years. The good news??? After my divorce, I am happier, financially serene, and truly happy with my life. I'm writing a book about my experiences. I love my kids and wouldn't change anything, but I should never have married him. I'm the love of my life ❤️."

—Anonymous, 50s, USA

Divorced women, what are some other "hard truths" about marriage that no one talks about? Tell us in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.