My divorce felt like the end of the world but I found happiness again

When Claire Macklin’s husband *James told her he was leaving her, it felt like her entire world had fallen apart. Now a 50-year-old divorce coach from Bristol, Claire was working as a corporate lawyer and had two young children at the time. Here on Divorce Day (8th January) when lawyers expect to see a spike in divorce proceedings, Claire shares how she rebuilt her life and now helps others.

We were in the middle of watching Holby City when my husband told me had met someone else and was leaving me. "Does that mean you are going to leave our one and three-year-old too?" I asked, in utter shock. I can’t remember what he said in response. It was a bolt out of the blue and it felt like the end of the world. I remember curling up on the floor in a foetal position and thinking, ‘What do I do?’

Everything was a bit of a blur after that but I remember going round to my neighbour’s house to tell her what had happened. "He can’t leave if I’m not there," I told her. My neighbour called my parents and told them what was going on and when I went back home, my husband was there by the door with a bag packed, ready to leave. My parents called my brother, who arrived a few hours later, in the early hours of the morning, to sit with me.

Over the following days, weeks and months, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions – anger, fear, hurt, confusion, panic, shock and sadness. I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how I would possibly get through it. In those first few weeks, just managing to get through 10 minutes without crying felt like something of an achievement.

I lost two stone in six weeks, stopped sleeping and lurched from one emotion to the next. It was one of the most challenging and difficult things I have ever been through.

Reeling in shock

I knew nothing about divorce and, perhaps naively, didn’t think it was something that could ever happen to me. *James and I had met at university and been together for 14 years. My parents were still together, none of my friends had ever got divorced and at 35, I thought I was in a happy, stable marriage.

Looking back, I was so immersed in day-to-day life with two small children and work, I probably wouldn’t even have noticed if there was anything wrong. I didn’t see any cracks in my marriage at the time.

That all changed that night and six weeks later, I went to see a divorce lawyer who told me that I didn’t need to rush into anything or make a decision then and there. It took me about six months to get my head around what was happening and in October 2008, I went to see the lawyer again and started divorce proceedings.

By that time, I had realised that I didn’t want to be a victim of divorce. I did not want it to define me and I began to try and look for some silver linings. Even though I was only a size 12, I’d lost two stone from feeling too sick to eat and knew I was looking pretty good. I started to take more care with my clothes and appearance. At first, it was partly to show James what he was missing but then I began to realise, I was doing it for me.

Rediscovering myself

I enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to ask permission to take the children out, that we could eat whenever and whatever we wanted and that I had a bit more freedom. I had, I realised, always been quite independent.

I remember a wise friend telling me that even if I was feeling awful, if I started the day with a smile on my face I would automatically to start to feel better and I took her advice. I made sure I held my head up and put my shoulders back too. I was, I decided, going to take control and get my life back.

I joined a local dance class and, on the weekends when my ex had the children, arranged to go and see old friends from university.

The law firm I was working for at the time were great and offered a free counselling service. My colleagues and friends were also very supportive, calling in to check in on me a few times a week.

I came to see that my divorce was actually a fantastic opportunity to redefine myself, learn more about who I am, and create a different, exciting future for myself.

I worked really hard on letting go of the anger I felt. I did journalling, I talked with friends and I did a lot of thinking. I was determined that the anger I felt towards my ex wasn’t going to define me or that I wouldn’t turn it in on myself.

Creating a new life

Since that fateful night in 2008, I have found more inner confidence and strength than I ever believed possible. My children, now in their teens, are settled and happy, and I am immensely proud of how I handled my divorce.

In 2016, I got married again to a man I met at my dance class and I also left my job and went on to do a coaching course in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), which looks at how you can reframe your outlook and use tools to change your thinking. I knew I wanted to use my experience of divorce to help other women going through a break-up and set up a website. I began networking with family lawyers and other business professionals and eight months later, I got my first client.

I realised, since launching my business, that many people think that divorce is just a legal process but there’s a whole emotional journey you go through too. It throws up so many challenges – emotional, financial and legal.

The one thing I aim to give the women I work with is hope and something to look forward to afterwards. Lots of people get through the legal process but then, in the aftermath, they start questioning who they are now and what their new life will look like. After the divorce papers come though, it’s usually 'What now?' That’s where I come in.

Supporting others

I focus on seven different strategies, or what I call pillars, including connecting to who you really are, getting clarity on what you really want, taking control and creating the life you want.

I work with my clients to help navigate those emotions and challenges together, with positivity and confidence, so they can rebuild their inner strength and redefine themselves.

I actually divorced my second husband in 2021 but that was my decision and helped me to see things from the perspective of the person leaving a marriage. I realised that that is not easy either. My second husband was quite a bit older than me and I think I was looking for a father figure for my children rather than a companion. It was all quite amicable though.

Healing the past

I get on really well with my first husband now and his wife, the woman who he left me for. They went on to have another child together so my children now have another sibling too. My ex is a great dad and it has always been really important to me that we all get on because we have children together and one day, when they get married, we’ll all need to be there to celebrate.

My advice to anyone going through a break-up is to try and think about it in a more positive way and reframe things. It’s about focusing on what you have gained – whether that’s weekends to yourself or something seemingly inconsequential like cooking a meal you like but your ex hates – rather than what you have lost. And remember that although it might not seem like it now, this might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

*Some names have been changed to protect identities.