Diageo's premade old fashioneds, Manhattans and margaritas aren't reinventing the wheel and that's fine
Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
As a lazy, lazy man, I can appreciate the rise in canned and bottled cocktails. While I'm happy to mix whatever I have at home into a glass, any drink that requires a thought-out trip to the grocery store beforehand generally doesn't pop into my field of vision before it's too late.
Diageo is betting I'm not the only one. While the super-brand's lineup of premixed, bottled cocktails generally trends toward the simpler side of mixed drinks -- old fashioneds, Manhattans, margaritas -- there's something reassuring about classic cocktails from trusted spirits like Ketel One and Tanqueray. It probably won't rival what you'd get at your trusted local bar, but it'll still be solid enough with a lower price and minimal effort.
The first iteration of the conglomerate's pre-made drinks run six deep. Let's see if it's worth it.
Bulleit Old Fashioned: B+
Living in Wisconsin has warped my appreciation for the old fashioned. Sure, you can still get a bourbon/bitters with a twist, but the Badger State takes that mid-century standby and goes wild with it. Brandy instead of whiskey. Muddled cherries and sugar at the bottom. Sweet and sour variants.
The state that out-drinks the rest of our great nation has created a spectrum of cocktails for everyone from beginners to the most grizzled boozers out there. It's beautiful in its inclusion, regardless of how you feel about Korbel.
Tonight we're rolling with Bulleit bourbon and orange bitters. That's it. Bulleit is a quality spirit at a low price and an alleged family history of homophobia that makes me feel a little worse about drinking it even if I really, truly like their rye.
There's room to add my own garnish here, but I'm gonna sip this alone over ice in order to figure out how it tastes it itself. It smells like wheat and citrus right off the top, pleasant but sharp. For a cocktail that's 75 proof, it comes off delightfully smooth. It's thick and sweet and only slightly warm.
The drink itself isn't complex or ornate. The bitters cover up the strength of the bourbon, making it very accessible -- especially since it ends sweet and citrusy. It's a nice step back from sipping the spirit straight from a rocks glass, sacrificing just a bit of booze for a much softer experience.
Bulleit Manhattan: B+
This smells great right off the pour; a little rye and a lot of fruity bitters. It's alluring, particularly for a premade cocktail.
The bitters and vermouth carry this, working with Bulleit Rye -- a flavorful rye whiskey that's always inexpensive and available and a little troubling -- to make an easy sipping cocktail. You get a dry experience with unmistakable notes of stone fruit. You can basically taste the maraschino cherry waiting at the bottom, even if it's nowhere to be found.
Like the old fashioned, it makes for an easy drinking cocktail with a high proof. Simplicity is the selling point here, but there's a broad general appeal to this very basic drink. You won't find yourself fishing for depth or flashing across a spectrum of flavors. Instead, you get the kind of stiff pour and general craftsmanship of a drink you'd get at a VFW hall. That's a good thing.
Tanqueray Negroni: B
Alright, let's head into rarely charted waters. I like gin (kinda). I like drinks with bitters in them. But I can't remember having a negroni more than a handful of times in my life, and that would be, like, a baby's fist if we're being honest.
It pours a soothing magenta. It smells herbal and a little bitter. The first sip is surprisingly sweet. The gin itself is fairly muted, making this feel more medicinal than alcoholic. It's a bit thick but pleasant, slightly juicy but ending on that minor sour note.
It's not for me, but it's not bad.
Ketel One Cosmopolitan: B-
Here's another cocktail I haven't had since… I want to say undergrad? When my girlfriend ordered a round for the table and one of my friends attempted to snort his because 21-year-old men are goblins?
This pours much lighter than I'd expected, but I'm also drinking it over ice, which is not how it's typically done. It doesn't smell like much of anything, but if you drill deep you get a little fruit without much of a boozy sting.
It comes through stronger on the first sip. The vodka isn't overpowering but is apparent, lending a little low-key burn to the procedure in a very familiar vodka way. It slides under a slightly syrupy layer of cranberry and triple sec that's equal parts sweet and tart.
It's a little too much for me. I'm sure it's fine as a cosmopolitan, but it's just a bit too thick and a bit too simple for my liking. I think I'd like it to be either stronger or sweeter. Either way, I'm not going back for a second.
Astral Margarita: A-
Now we're back to a place where I'm familiar. While I don't know anything about Astral -- it looks like a perfectly reasonable tequila blanco that has high reviews and a low price -- I'm excited nonetheless.
It pours a clean, cloudy white. It smells, well, like a margarita. There's tequila and lime and maaaaybe just a little bit of salt even if it isn't on the meager ingredients list. The first sip hits all those notes; light tequila, tangy lime and a clean, fresh finish.
The triple sec also clocks in to add that extra layer of citrus that makes the whole experience very smooth. I hesitate to call a cocktail poundable, but this margarita goes down easily with little burn to make you regret any sip. The flavor is full bodied -- not quite intense, but still potent enough to linger through each pull.
Ketel One Espresso Martini: B+
(big sigh) Well, espresso martinis are to the cocktail world what lime is to the hard seltzer world. I understand why you have to bottle it, I just don't really want it in my mix pack. Still, I have a job to do, so let's drink the least impressive form of boozy coffee.
It pours like a pitcher of cold brew. It smells like roasted coffee. It tastes... well damn, it tastes a lot better than I expected. The coffee is at the forefront but not acidic. The vodka is light and, while apparent, not nearly as boozy as it was in the cosmo. Despite the dark pour, it comes off a little creamier than it looks.
All this makes the whole experiment feel like a dark iced coffee. That is, if your Dunkin' trip could get you drunk. It's easy to sip and never bitter, but it's also barely 40 proof, so it's not going to hit you especially hard. I don't see this one as a chic evening drink but a morning tailgate eye-opener -- the training wheels before you crack that Voodoo Ranger and launch into something harder. In that regard, it works better than expected. It turns out turning down the ABV was the key to making a trendy, tired drink a little more drinkable.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?
This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Diageo's premade cocktails over a cold can of Hamm’s?
It probably depends on my mood. But on a one-to-one basis, I'd rather have the cold can of beer.
This article originally appeared on For The Win: Diageo's premade old fashioneds, Manhattans and margaritas aren't reinventing the wheel and that's fine
