A definitive ranking of all the weird (and funny) words for vagina

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
All the weird words for your vaginaJessica Lockett | Getty Images

It seems like everyone has their preferred word for vagina - be it fanny, muff, minge or one of the more inventive vagina-based slang terms, like, err, penis fly trap...

Whilst we're all for those who prefer to solely use the correct anatomical term too, by way of reclaiming and feeling pride in their genitalia, it seems vagina nicknames are still here to stay. And to be honest, we're totally here for that too... because a lot of them are quite funny and life is boring when it's not spent having a bit of a laugh over terms like 'lady garden'. Right?

So, in the spirit of choice, here's our definitive ranking of all the different words for vagina:

1. Fanny

A British institution, right up there with scones (not literally up there). Also hilarious to hear Americans say because they think it means bum. Gutted.

2. Pussy

Sounds a bit naughty and also cats are awesome? Thumbs up all round.

3. Vag

It's brisk. It's to the point. It rhymes with Madge, of Neighbours fame. What's not to love?

4. Bits

Easy to drop into conversation with minimal awks. Depending on the rest of the sentence, that is. ("God, my bits need a right good wax" = still awkward.)

5. Minky

Real cute. But also the name of a line of household products favoured by Mrs Hinch, which is a tad distracting.

6. Bajingo

Vag meets bingo. Two of life's most brilliant things.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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7. Foof

Acceptable up until the age of 10. After that, a bit strange.

8. Thingy

Used and adored by awkward ladies everywhere.

9. Vajayjay

Fun and flamboyant, this could also be the name of a Strictly Come Dancing move. Sure to add a bit of sass to any vagina-based conversation.

10. Kitty

A vastly creepier version of pussy, somehow.

11. Vagine

A more exotic alternative to 'vagina' - and it rhymes with tagine. The poetry possibilities are endless.

12. Bean

Contrary to popular belief, flicking anywhere near the delicate vaginal region is not advised.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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13. Mary-Ellen

Used proudly by an anonymous Cosmo staffer and given *rave* reviews.

14. Clunge

Horrific when used with sincerity, and yet totally acceptable when used ironically. Thank you, Jay from The Inbetweeners, for that. We think?

15. Downstairs

Can get awkward if you're talking about something that is literally downstairs and the other person thinks you're talking about your vag.

16. Twat

Sounds a bit like splat. Which is a bit gross in a vaginal context. Steer clear.

17. Hole

There's so much more to a vagina than the hole. Let us not limit it down.

18. Box

A tad misleading in terms of capacity, but whatever floats your boat.

19. Penis fly trap

If you can try and avoid the disturbing mental visual, this is some truly great wordplay.

20. Sex

"Have sex with my sex!" Erm. What?

21. Fandango

A far more exotic version of fanny. Again, could be a type of dance performed on Strictly.

22. Cunt

There's a reason it rhymes with blunt. There are still people out there deeply offended by this one, so maybe use it with caution.

23. Flower

If 80's Monica from Friends used to say it, chances are you shouldn't be using it these days.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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24. Beaver

Whilst beavers can be cute, this slang term isn't.

25. Muff

Depends on your pube-stance, really. *shrugging emoji*

26. Front Bottom

If the above doesn't suit you, maybe this one will.

27. *Pointing silently and awkwardly towards crotch*

As a wise man named Ronan once said: 'You say it best when you say nothing at all'.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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28. Doo-Dah

Also a common name for a remote. Neither thing will function properly in the wrong hands.

29. Tuppence

It's worth a bit more than that, thanks.

30. Whispering eye

The idea of a vagina whispering, and/or having the ability to blink, is just too horrifying for words tbh.

31. Axe Wound

Anyone that refers to the beauty of your vag as this deserves a quite literal axe wound. Sorry, not sorry.

32. Minge

Not the best option, however can we caveat by saying "Ooh, they've just given me a twinge in the minge!" is a fun equivalent to saying you've got 'fanny flutters' à la Love Island's Maura Higgins?

33. Lady garden

Gardens are dirty, weedy and bug-infested. With any luck, vaginas aren't.

34. Minnie

The childhood vagina euphemism of choice much to Minnie Mouse's dismay.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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35. Noo Noo

Makes you see that hoover-thing from Teletubbies in a whole new light, doesn't it?

36. Growler

Can we just... not?

37. Flange

Is it just us, or does any word with a 'ge' sound a bit... off?

38. Beef curtains

The lowest of the low.

a definitive ranking of all the weird words for your vagina
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