45 weird (and funny) words for vagina ranked
We might not admit it, but most of us have a preferred word for vagina - be it fanny, muff, minge or one of the more inventive vagina-based slang terms, like, err, penis fly trap... There are just so many words out there.
Whilst we're all for those who prefer to solely use the correct anatomical term too (by way of reclaiming and feeling pride in their genitalia), it seems vagina nicknames are still here to stay. So, why pretend otherwise? And to be honest, we're totally here for that too... because a lot of them are quite funny and life is boring when it's not spent having a bit of a laugh over terms like 'lady garden'. Right?
So, in the spirit of choice, here's our definitive ranking of all the different words for vagina:
1. Fanny
A British institution, right up there with scones (not literally up there). Also hilarious to hear Americans say because they think it means bum. Gutted.
2. Pussy
Sounds a bit naughty and also cats are awesome? Thumbs up all round.
3. Vag
It's brisk. It's to the point. It rhymes with Madge, of Neighbours fame. What's not to love?
4. Bits
Easy to drop into conversation with minimal awks. Depending on the rest of the sentence, that is. ("God, my bits need a right good wax" = still potentially quite awkward.)
5. Minky
Real cute. But also the name of a line of household products favoured by Mrs Hinch, which is a tad distracting.
6. Bajingo
Vag meets bingo. Two of life's most brilliant things.
7. Foof
Acceptable up until the age of 10. After that, a bit strange.
8. Fufu
Much the same, we probably shouldn't be using this one as an adult. Though Urban Dictionary does define 'Fufu Land' as a magical place...
9. Thingy
Used and adored by awkward ladies everywhere.
10. Vajayjay
Fun and flamboyant, this could also be the name of a Strictly Come Dancing move. Sure to add a bit of sass to any vagina-based conversation.
11. Kitty
A vastly creepier version of pussy, somehow.
12. Vagine
A more exotic alternative to 'vagina' - and it rhymes with tagine. The poetry possibilities are endless.
13. Bean
Okay, technically this refers to the clit, not the vulva, but we couldn't not include it. But contrary to popular belief, actually flicking the bean probably isn't advised.
14. Mary-Ellen
Used proudly by an anonymous Cosmopolitan staffer and given *rave* reviews.
15. Clunge
Horrific when used with sincerity, and yet totally acceptable when used ironically. Thank you, Jay from The Inbetweeners, for that. We think?
16. Downstairs
Can get awkward if you're talking about something that is literally downstairs and the other person thinks you're talking about your vag.
17. Twat
Sounds a bit like splat. Which is a bit gross in a vaginal context. Steer clear.
18. Hole
There's so much more to a vagina than the hole. Sure, it's descriptive and to the point, but it's a little functional and reductive for our tastes. Not something to be used in any sexual context.
19. Box
A tad misleading in terms of capacity, but whatever floats your boat.
20. Penis fly trap
If you can try and avoid the disturbing mental visual, this is some truly great wordplay.
21. Sex
"Have sex with my sex!" Erm. What?
22. Fandango
A far more exotic version of fanny. Again, could be a type of dance performed on Strictly.
23. Cunt
There's a reason it rhymes with blunt. There are still people out there deeply offended by this one, so maybe use it with caution.
24. Flower
If 80's Monica from Friends used to say it, chances are you shouldn't be using it these days.
25. Beaver
Whilst beavers can be cute, this slang term isn't.
26. Muff
Depends on your pube-stance, really. *shrugging emoji*
27. Front bottom
If the above doesn't suit you, maybe this one will.
28. *Pointing silently and awkwardly towards crotch*
As a wise man named Ronan once said: 'You say it best when you say nothing at all'.
29. Doo-dah
Also a common name for a remote. Neither thing will function properly in the wrong hands.
30. Tuppence
It's worth a bit more than that, thanks.
31. Whispering eye
The idea of a vagina whispering, and/or having the ability to blink, is just too horrifying for words tbh.
32. Coochie
A classic. We have our friends across the pond to thank for this one...
33. Minge
Not the best option, however can we caveat by saying "Ooh, they've just given me a twinge in the minge!" is a fun equivalent to saying you've got 'fanny flutters' à la Love Island's Maura Higgins?
34. Lady garden
Admittedly referring to pubes rather than vaginas themselves, gardens are dirty, weedy and bug-infested. But with any luck, ours aren't.
35. Minnie
The childhood vagina euphemism of choice much to Minnie Mouse's dismay.
36. Mini
A variation of Minnie, this option is not much better.
37. Noo-noo
Makes you see that hoover-thing from Teletubbies in a whole new light, doesn't it?
38. Growler
Can we just... not?
39. Flange
Is it just us, or does any word with a 'ge' sound a bit... off?
40. Snatch
It's fair to say this one doesn't do justice to the beauty of your vag.
41. Pussoir
Courtesy of algospeak, you've likely heard your fave sex positive influencers use this one before.
42. Foo foo
Um... What?
43. Hoo ha
What's with all the oos?
44. Nonny
Yet again, not the nicest sounding name.
45. Vulva
Last but not least, we have the correct term for the whole thing, including the lips surrounding the vagina, the clitoris, and the small glands on either side.
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