Dear Richard Madeley: My husband secretly wrote to his old flame – should I be worried?
Dear Richard,
My husband left his email inbox open on a browser tab and I’m afraid I had a look. I didn’t find anything overtly incriminating, but I did see that he’d written a long message to an ex from decades ago saying how lovely she’d been and how sorry he was about some of the things he’d done. He didn’t say anything lairy, and he went out of the way to say how happy he was with me, but I still find myself upset. In the message he said he was writing to her because he’d been going through his mother’s things after clearing her house and he’d found some old letters – fair enough, I suppose. But I’m not in contact with my exes, I haven’t kept any old letters, and I don’t understand the impulse.
I suppose I can see why he didn’t ask me if I was OK with this, but of course now if I raise the subject I’ll be the untrustworthy one, as there’s no way I could know without having snooped around. (And I don’t make a habit of peeking at his emails, by the way.) Is there some innocuous way I can raise the subject?
— Anon, via email
Dear Anon,
I don’t think so. He’ll suspect you’ve checked his sent box right away. That’ll lead to a mega row, and just before Christmas, too. To your credit, you’ve done well at trying to keep a level head about what you discovered. Well done, Anon. That must have taken a lot of self-control. And it’s bought you some time to think.
So, let’s go through this together, shall we? What exactly has he done wrong? He wrote a letter of apology to his ex for all his bad behaviour when they were together. He’s told her plainly that he’s found happiness with you (this is a really important factor, Anon. If he had ulterior motives for writing to her, he would never have included that bit). He’s given a credible reason for deciding to write to her (those old letters he found in the attic).
I can see why you feel disappointed that he didn’t take you into his confidence and discuss this with you. But he may well do so at some point in the future. In any case, all couples, however happy, keep some things to themselves. It’s normal. No one is ever truly 100 per cent transparent.
I honestly think you have nothing to worry about, Anon. You didn’t find anything incriminating in any of the other emails you scanned. It seems to have been a one-off. Because he didn’t write to her again, did he?
I think this is a man taking an opportunity to clear his conscience. We all have elements in our past we feel regretful, even guilty, about. My strong advice to you is to let this lie. And you’re right: it’s not a particularly honourable thing to do, to secretly riff through a partner’s emails, although I understand the curiosity and temptation you felt. So here’s another piece of advice. Try not to do it again.
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