Dear Coleen: The woman I met at church isn't interested. What should I do?

Dear Coleen

I hit it off with a woman I met at a church social club, so when she stopped coming to the group I was keen to find her. I started shopping near where she lives in the hope of bumping into her one day, which I did, and I asked if she wanted to have a cup of tea.

She took me to a cafe and we sat outside. It turned out her friend was there and they discussed a computer issue she was having. But to all intents and purposes we were there as a twosome, which is why I can’t understand the subsequent fall out over not buying him a cup of tea!

But we’d exchanged phone numbers, so I thought, "Great! We’ll be able to keep in touch" and hoped it was the start of a beautiful friendship and maybe even a beautiful romance.

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Then she got a call on her mobile, which she took inside, and when she returned she was in tears. She didn’t want to talk and we said our goodbyes.

Three days later I called to see if she fancied a walk and she blew up, making accusations about me trying to trick her. She said she felt abused and hung up. I was left reeling!

I didn’t call her after that, but I sent her a text explaining I had no dealings with the people she was talking about and that I respected her too much to play games. I sent several texts afterwards to try to repair things, but to no avail.

Someone advised me to send one final text saying I wouldn’t contact her again, but that my door is always open, so now all communication has stopped and the pain of unrequited love is worse than ever.

I think someone has been telling lies about me. Is it too late to win her back?

Coleen says

I think if this woman had been that interested in staying in touch, she would have given you her number before she left the group or looked you up on social media.

The fact is, you had to hang around her local shops in the hope of bumping into her, which isn’t a good sign. And if she found out that the only reason you were at those shops was to find her, then it probably freaked her out and maybe even scared her.

What to you is unrequited love might feel to her like stalking or harassment. I think you need to accept this relationship is never going to happen and move on.

We don’t know who’s been saying what to her – maybe that’s something you can find out – but she’s made it clear she’s not interested, so it doesn’t matter.

You’ve had one accidental date and one cup of tea with this woman, and it didn’t go very well, so it’s important to keep things in perspective. You don’t know her that well, so it shouldn’t be this hard to move on from.

Sometimes things just don’t work out and if it’s this complicated after a first "date", then it’s just not worth it. Whoever told you to send that final text gave you good advice. Stick to it and think about getting support from your church group.

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