Dear Coleen: We're getting divorced. Should we keep living together for our kid?

Dear Coleen

My wife and I have agreed to separate after 20 years of marriage with a view to getting divorced in the future. However, we have a daughter who's 17 and in an exam year and, after much talking, we’ve decided to stay living together until she goes off to university.

We feel it'll keep things stable for her while she’s studying, plus it’ll also help us financially in the short term. There was no one else involved in our breakup, but I feel strongly that middle age has been a factor for both of us.

We'd become increasingly irritated with each other, which resulted in us doing our own thing and having less and less in common. I suppose my question is, can we stay living together without it causing damage to us and our child?

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We don't argue a lot to be honest, but I’m sure it’s obvious to our daughter that we would rather not be in each other’s company, as we barely spend any time together.

We haven’t said anything to our daughter yet about any of this, which is another bridge to cross and I’d also welcome any advice on the best way to do it.

Coleen says

I think this very much depends on what kind of relationship you have with your wife. If you’re both in agreement about separating and feel sure you won’t create a difficult ­situation for your daughter, then I don’t see why it can’t work in the short term.

But I would remind you that she’s 17 and not an idiot, so I’m pretty sure you and your wife could sit down with her and explain what you’ve decided and why.

You could even say things like you still love each other as friends and as parents to her, but you’ve grown apart and have nothing left in common.

Add that because you’re still friends, you’re going to stay living together for a while until you’ve figured things out and she’s finished with exams. And reiterate how much you love her and that nothing is going to change for her in the immediate future.

If you don’t speak to her now and drop it on her in two years’ time, it won’t be any easier. It might even be harder because she’ll be going off to university and coping with lots of other big changes.

If you tell her now, she’ll have time to get used to the idea and get all her questions answered. I do understand how hard this is, as my daughter Ciara was 15 when her dad Ray and I split up.

But you can help your daughter to see how things could be better for you all in the long run. Be prepared for sadness and tears, though. It’s tough news to hear, whatever age you are. All the best.